Feelin' Groovy

So I'm back in America, I've had a few days to decompress , to sort out my thoughts, etc. And to be honest I'm still not sure what to say, its weird being here, I hadn't realized how much I'd come to see my world though the lens of Israeli culture. I feel in many ways that in the last year I shed much of my attachment to America culture and life. At the same time I reamin fundamentally American in mentality I can't escape it. I miss Israel, I miss the rude people and the terrible service. I miss the rolling hills and that sparkle Jerusalem has at night that I've never been able to find anywhere else. I feel isolated in many ways I've spent the last year learning about being and living Jewishly. And without realized it I'd come to expect for everyone around me to feel the same way. Now I'm surrounded my the goyim, the other nations and its strange. Here I'm not surround my people who are searching for something beyond what you can see with your eyes, here I'm in the land on concielment. And I'm scared, its pain and simple. Now I'm in an extreme minority, and I have to justify every little aspect of my daily existance. Questions about my mundane activities are prevelent. Some people here think I've 'drank the kool aid' and frankly maybe I have. I know that I never would have thought I'd end up here three years ago. Never would have been able to accept the idea or god and the Torah being infinate and inchangable. Now its a reality that I've accepted and in many ways exbraced. And that means inevitable conflict I know that I can't stay where I am and so I'm moving on. Heading to a better environment for myself on Sunday, going up to New York, staying at a yeshiva until I can find a job and a place. I know I can't ever live with my parents again. Its hard to think that in many ways I'll never be able to go back, back to the days of innosense when I was just learning, just curious about my heritage. Thats the preblem sometimes after a while you start to see it as a better alternative. I've been asked countless times already 'what do you see in this? Why do you feel the need to do all this?' I wish I had a good answer. I in many ways have no good answer. Except to say that me and my friends spend all of high school and college bitching and complaining and discussing how much mainstream American culture sucked. Spent countless hours and days thinking of ways to distance ourselves from it and how we could best distance ourselves from it while also taking advantage of it. And I did something about all those discussions. I sought something better something more meaningful and less empty. For me Judiasm, was that alternative. In won't be for everyone but it is for me. It's what makes sense for me. I feel that a life filtered though the wisdom and gudiance of Torah can and will lead me to a fulfilling life, for me. I'm not trying to say it will be for anyone else but it is for me. I know thats in many ways selfish. That in my search of meaning and contentment I'm going along a path that few have tread and that few could ever imagine stepping foot on. So be it. I know that my journey down this path isn't going to be easy, if it was easy it wouldn't be worth doing. But I know that for me its correct, I'm not trying to speak for anyone else just for me. And thats where I am right here right now, right at this moment. Like I've said before this maniac mitzvah is far from over, in fact I think its just begun. Shalom in the home from Jersey, Jersey, Jersey.

Back in action

I'm back in the United States, I've been back for 24 hours now and I feel like I'm in the twilight zone, but all is well. I'm just trying to decompress and adjust to the time difference. My flight was uneventful and easy. I already have lots of thoughts but I think that I'll wait for a full on post from the backwaters of New Jersey for at least one more day. Shalom.

Goodbye

This is my last post from Eretz Israel, I can hardly believe it. I spent last week up North Safed was beautiful as always. The klezmer festival was a ton of fun. I had no plans going up there and was going to travel alone. Fortunately I was joined by a motley crew, as always with no real plan I had a great time. I dipped in the Ari’s mikveh, visited Rabbi Shimon bar Yokai’s kever in Meron and danced with thousands and thousands of people late into the night in Safed. I also got a chance to go sailing off the coast with friends. It was amazing we sailed from Akko to Haifa on a thirty foot sailing boat up and down the coast. I got to man the ship doing everything from hoisting the sail to taking the wheel. All in all I’d say it was a successful last week here in the Holy Land. For Shabbos I went to Rabbi H’s any all time classic for me, in the first three months here I went every other Shabbat, I got a little misty between Kiddush and Hamotzi as the reality of leaving hit me for the first time. He is one of the kindness and most gentle souls I have ever known. My father remarked after he met him, he is a man who has found his calling in this world. I also had a wonderful second meal and got to do third meal and havdallah with Rabbi B, one of the most remarkable people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. As I walked though the Old City with him Hassid’s and students alike approached him with questions, well wishes on his daughters’ engagement, etc. As patient as he is wise, he would stop and make time for everyone on the two minute walk though the square that took a half and hour. I have learned an immense amount not just from our talks but also but observing him being quite in his company. I owe a great debt to those two and many, many others. Also to the many amazing friends I’ve made here who have been there with me though the good, bad and ugly. As with most things in life the people really make the experience and my experience in Israel has been filled with seekers, people who are looking to become better more complete people. They’re not always perfect but at least the people I’ve been fortunate enough to meet are trying and that is saying something. I feel like there’s so much more I could say about this experience, certainly looking back at all my posts on this blog I realize I have. But nothing will every truly capture in for what it actually was. Words in the end are dead how to you truly express the feeling you get standing at the Kotel praying, at times pleading to god for mercy for an illumination on your path. How do you describe walking though the hills and valleys of antiquity with people you’ve known for a few months but feel like you’ve know forever? I don’t know but I’ve tried my best to capture my experience in the truest and most honest way I could. I know now that as I leave I try to do justice to this feeling as well, but in the end I’ll fail, hopefully spectacularly but fail I will. So I won’t try to keep doing so. At the end of the day I’ll know that this was real. I’ll hopefully have been able to impact the many people I’ve met here in some way just as they have impacted me so greatly. And I know that I’ll never be the same person I might have been had I never picked up and set off on this crazy journey and I don’t regret a moment, not one solitary single moment. I love this land and these people they are my heritage. Shalom Alechem and until later then from Eretz Israel.

168 hours

At this time next week I’ll be at the airport, the realization of that moment is really starting to hit me. In many ways I’m ready to go home. I never thought when I left I’d be gone for so long. Funny how life works, I can’t help but feel like I’m getting repetitive, I guess I have little more to say about my journey at present, more then anything I suppose its due to the lack of activity here in Israel. There just isn’t that much going on, I feel bad on one respect I’m tired and worn out. I don’t feel as though I’m taking advantage of this bit of time I could be using it to learn, to pray, to do whatever. After all I’m going to be leaving, back to the diaspora and the land of concealment. There won’t be thousands of minyans at my back door, constantly in motion. And yet I’m just a little bit tired, my inspiration has been waning. But once again I suppose that’s natural, without many people around, with most of my friends gone its all on me and I just need a break. I know I’ll be going to home to many challenges. And I’m not sure that I’m ready. At the same time I know I’m leaving armed with a slue of knowledge and more mature and confident person then when I left. I know there will be struggles; the kippa on top of my head that has become second nature to me to wear might suddenly feel heavy. Already I know making Shabbat plans will me harder, even here it’s not my favorite thing to do. I’m excited about the possibility of getting to do my own and inviting people over. But I know all those things will come in time. I worry about weaknesses I’ve failed to address suddenly hitting me over the head. That’s my nature I worry, especially when I have little else to do like now, one week less then 168 hours until a new leg of this adventure begins. I’m going up to Safed for a few days I don’t know exactly what I’ll be doing but I know that I’m saying goodbye. Goodbye to the birthplaces and kevers (graves) of my ancestors. Goodbye to places that hold an ancient lure and that sprinkling of magic that can be found nowhere else. The land of the matriarchs and patriarchs, the land that has been settled since the birth of modern man, shaped and reshaped in the image of those who believed it belonged to them and them alone. But Israel belongs to no one person; it’s a heritage for the world. The eye of the universe and the center of the world; I’ll be happy to be out of the center of the frying pan, but the outer rim while safer lacks all the action. Enough for now, Shalom Alechem from Eretz Israel.

Only the search matters

August 17, 2008, funny how my posts all seem to be dated now, I guess it’s just my way of counting down. Once again I’m back to my old ways without an internet connection handy all these entries will be thrown up at the same time. It’s a weird way to do things but that’s just where I am. I’m finding now that I’m in the single digits my growing excitement and dread is growing. In fact I can hardly wait to go home, and conversely find myself more in love with Israel then ever. I also find myself more reflective then ever, and in many ways less connected to god. Maybe its just a lack of inspiration, maybe its just me cushioning myself for an inevitable fall but now that I’m getting ready to leave I’m really beginning to think about where I’ve come from and what I want to take away from the whole experience. I think in the end, I’m committed to this path I’ve chosen, when I arrived in Israel it was with no intention of becoming a ‘frum’ Jew. It was never in the cards so I thought. But I realize more and more now that, that is precisely what I am, maybe not on the outside but on the inside its always what’s made the most sense to me. And I don’t expect the transition to be easy. I know inevitably I’ll fall and get back up perhaps hundreds of times. And due to my lack of an extreme nature I can’t see myself making a fuss over to much when I initially get home. But I know it’s there now deep down inside. When I got to Aish HaTorah I came with the naiveties intentions to learn about my people and who we are. I can now walk away ten months later with a rich understanding of our history and legacy to the world. And I can walk away with the beginnings of a foundation I sorely lacked. Were that will take me I don’t know exactly I know I have skills I’d like to build on. My Hebrew for instance is still woefully poor but now finally for the first time I have a foundation to start with and as long as I’m willing to dedicate myself to fifteen minutes to a half hour of practice a day I know that in time I’ll come to read it fluently. I also know I’d like to explore other methods to incorporate into my davening (prayer) through yoga, and other forms and breath and body control. This is in many ways a well beaten path. I also know that al least at present I have no plans to fully bend myself to the Torah. It’s admirable for those who choose it and I may very well do so one day. But for now I’m all about the baby steps. God willing when I get home I’ll be able to situate myself in a religious community, find a few families who I can connect with and learn from. Establish a life that I’m comfortable with but also where I’m growing and I’ll take it from there. Life is after all a pretty simple game. Even if we’re tricked into thinking its not, it is in its essence simple. You live, you die and in between you try to find a little happiness, something to do with your life that gives it a purpose and makes it meaningful. I suppose in the end that’s still a more existential sentiment then a Jewish one. So be it, at least for now that’s just where I am. And that’s what’s important for me, for now. Being honest about my beliefs and living those beliefs in a way that doesn’t compromise myself. I was once told by a wise man that when people come to yeshiva they are exposed to a world for truth and when they leave that truth becomes covered up and concealed. Much in the same way it was for the Jews on Sinai, they we’re given a direct revelation from god, long to be complaining that god must hate them and must be trying to kill them a short while later. And it’s the same for our lives. We’re given little bits a truth in blinding moments of clarity. Only to have those moments concealed by the day in and day out concerns and worries of our lives. But if we’re careful and smart we’ll find a way to hold on to those memories and carry them with us and in moments of darkness and concealment we’ll be able to find our ways. I hope and pray that though difficult I’ll be able to do just that… Is it really eight days until I leave? Yikes!! Shalom from Eretz Israel.

Lets get to the point

Life being what it is one dreams of revenge, I’m not exactly sure what that means but I’ve found that despite my lack of clarity on its meaning I find myself uttering it from time to time and for whatever reason it fits. It’s absurd to think about, but like I said sometimes its just works. I love life, mine in particular but I really wish I could figure it out sometimes. It’s funny because while I’ve accepted Torah as the essential truth in the world, apply it to my life and figuring out its place in my life isn’t always so easy. But one thing at a time, I tend to get caught up in how far I have to go, how much more I have to learn and accomplish that I often forget where I’ve come from, it seems now a lifetime ago that I was arguing with Rabbis about why god couldn’t exist but really it was only a year and a half ago, its funny thinking about conversations I had with my dad about being cynical of religious people and their motives about not giving up anything I liked for the sake of truth. I still cling to that motion very much, but I know its no longer me. I’ve accepted that I can not have faith without acts of devotion. Even if those acts do at times cause me considerable pain. Even if they force me outside my natural instincts, that is I’ve begun to realize the whole point of many mitzvoth, given the incredible range and scope of them. Living a life devoted to god and the mitzvoth forces a person to go outside themselves and in the process perfect themselves. That is the goal, it is often distorted and ugly as well as beautiful. There is as I remind myself and others a difference between being a self actualized person and a religious person. Simply believing in god and following the mitzvoth doesn’t make you a good person. That’s the goal of course that though the Torah and the minutia of detailed practice one will not forget the central tenant of the Torah, namely “Love your neighbor as you love yourself” and will always remember that it is a tree of life for those who grasp it. Remember the Garden of Eden? Two trees the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. What was their central mistake? Eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil first, if they had eaten from the tree of life i.e. studied the Torah and came to know and understand it then they could have experienced the world as it is though the tree of knowledge of good and evil. That’s our purpose, not to run away from life though the study of Torah but to first immerse ourselves in it and then go out into the world armed with the knowledge we’ve acquired. And that’s what I’m preparing to do. My learning is far from complete but I’ve come a long way from where I started and I’m ready for a new challenge even if it’s hard. Especially if it’s hard, because all the best things in life are hard, otherwise what would the point be?

Emes

Note: This was written three days ago, even now looking at it I'm not sure how much of it I mean. Which is not to say that as I was writing it, it wasn't the truth, it was and to a large extend very much is. But I've also realized how little I actually know about anything. And how much coming home has scared me and in many ways warped my perception of the world. Truth be told I'm not sure of anything at the moment.

August 14^th 2008, eleven days until I return to America, the last week or two has been extremely hard saying goodbye always is. But for whatever reason this goodbye seems particularly painful. I’ve seen and done and experienced so much in the last ten months, I hardly remember the kid who left New York thinking this would be a three month adventure. Now almost ten months since I left the shores of America for this frontier on the edge of the world I’m ready to go home. Maybe that’s what makes this goodbye so hard. I know that I’m ready for something else yet I don’t really want to say goodbye. I know I still have so much more left to learn, so much more to grow and I know this is the best place to do it. And yet I’m ready to leave and I don’t ever want to leave. Israel is home, my heart belongs here and it knows it. My soul has exploded here and I know it just won’t be the same at home. I’m going back to a place where I’ll be an extreme minority, where I’ll be forced once again to reevaluate my life, what I stand for and what I’m willing to endure for those beliefs. No I don’t think I’m being overly dramatic, yes I know I’m speaking emes, truth. I feel like at the present I’ve resolved what I need to resolve, save one precious, tender, mysterious problem. I’ve otherwise closed every door I’ve opened since I got here. Yes I feel like I’ve found closure with my life here. Except of course for one gaping hole in that door, it’s why I’ve had so much difficulty writing lately. Every time I sit down to write it inevitably pops up in my prose. Like with so many things in life it’s a girl thing. George Carlin famously does a sketch about this remarking “why did we bring a car to the moon? There might be women there!” And so it goes. It’s such a simple thing you’d think, but of course we all know its not, emotions can be deceiving and your heart and eyes will mislead you, they’ll turn you astray. And without them life would not be worth living the mind, and the soul would be empty without our emotions to move them. To carry them away, to make us feel invulnerable and yet to leave us so very vulnerable, I have a lot of trouble with that I’ve heard from more then one person that I talk and talk and talk and yet they’re not sure what exactly I believe. I think that’s a little much I’m certainly not a closed book and I’ve often a little to open about what I’m thinking about everything. I do after all have an opinion about everything as I’m often told. And yet I have an issue making myself vulnerable. And that’s where I am right now, I have eleven days until I leave Israel and I have a girl who I haven’t talked to in a week, a girl who I believe I may have something special with. It’s difficult to say, but it’s what I believe. I believe that the connection I feel when I’m with her and even when I’m not is not typical. That is to say it’s unique, special and I’m leaving. I’ve thought about it from every angle, picked it apart, held it up and still I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to admit that I feel this way. I’m usually so sure of my emotions; I usually trust my instincts, my intuition. And now I’m not so sure what if I’m wrong? What if given my statement above that I feel like I’ve resolved most of what I set out to do here, I just don’t have anything else to occupy my considerable brain power. What if my memory is faulty, what if, what if? That perhaps is the worst part for me, so many what ifs the biggest one being of course what if I put myself out there and there is nothing there what if I’m wrong? I think I’ll just have to deal with those what ifs I don’t know what else there is to do. After all what if I ignore those feelings? What if my what ifs, aren’t what ifs at all. What if my feelings are right? That what if might just be the scariest what if of all.