Appearance, Acceptance and Tisha B’Av

I’ve been thinking about appearance, I belong to a community that is all on the same wavelength, they all practice very similarly, they all dress similarly, it is a community that has an amount of conformity to it. That’s one of the things I like about it, even if I don’t match that same wavelength, it’s refreshing to be in a place with so many different permutations of the same idea. For all its ‘conformity’ it’s still remarkably diverse

Even given that diversity I still stick out and you’d think in that context that it would be weird for someone like me, to find a place in it, especially when I seem quite the outlier. In Jerusalem much of the way I dressed, many of the things I did were symbols of my freedom from and lack of attachment to the system that surrounded of me. I don’t mean to suggest that those were the only things that drove my decisions about appearance and actions but to it definitely played a role sometimes more sometimes less.

They were my assertions that while I was there, I wasn’t all there, that I was different. Here in this place while many of my actions are in their essence the same, they are symbols of the exact opposite idea… funny how that can happen…

While there I felt the need to rebel, to show my lack of conformity to some, not all of the ideas I was being exposed to, here in this community I’ve made for myself I feel none of that, and thus actions that look the same on the outside hold a profoundly different message. Here I do the things I do because they are me, because they are a genuine expression of who I am and what I believe, they aren’t a rebellion, they’re an acceptance.

They’re not an advertisement for my uniqueness in any way, except in the simple act of being me, being a part of my personality, one that neither I nor the community I’m a part of believes makes a person any more or less of a person to do. I love that. I love that something that I once used to differentiate myself is now an act of accepting myself. This is me, I’ve made a lot of changes, I’ve grown a lot, seen a lot and this is still me.

That’s one of the reasons why all of us need to be careful about judging people for their actions and appearances to quickly, we’d all like to think that we can just separate looks and actions and you name it. That we can distill actions and label those actions as one thing or the other, that things that look the same are the same. But we can’t because actions that look exactly the same on the outside can mean completely different things depending on the time or place in which they are done and it’s too easy to forget.

Yesterday was Tisha B’Av. On Tisha B’Av we mourn the loss of the Bais Hamikdash (the temples: there were two) the first one was destroyed for the crimes of sexual immorality, murder and idolatry.

The Second temple was destroyed because of baseless hatred; baseless hatred is not plain hatred. Plain hatred has a reason. For example, you hate a person who causes you financial loss or physical discomfort. Baseless hatred occurs when another person's mere presence threatens to diminish the importance of their being in their own eyes and it is for this reason that we are still in exile.

It is only when we begin to allow ourselves to see past all of our assumptions, all of the nonsense that we can begin to see people for what they truly are, for what those actions truly mean, may we all merit the humility to do so.

She-yibaneh beis hamikdash bi-m'heirah v'yameinu v'sein chelkeinu b'sorah-secha

many opinions

Where there is much desire to learn, there of necessity will be much arguing, much writing, many opinions; for opinions in good men is but knowledge in the making.” - John Milton

Open my heart

I always thought that religious people were running away from life, that the world was just too big, too scary, too much to deal with and they found a way to escape from it. It always seemed like a great out to have. If god controls everything then we’re not responsible, I can pass off the blame on someone else.

That’s what I used to think.

I suppose for some people that is the case, I never truly believed that living a life for god, could also involved living a life for oneself; devoid of personal responsibility one could just put up their feet and enjoy the ride.

I know differently now, for many people it’s not like that at all. For me initially it was an act of curiosity… wait a minute… your telling me that all those random experiences I had of ‘oneness’ those moments of feeling beyond myself, those feelings of connectedness have been experienced by others? That they’ve been talked about and debated by scholars of every major faith? You’ve got to be kidding me. I felt so surprised to learn that many of the ideas that I held sacred were indeed considered sacred by my own faith.

I’ve often wondered if I could have gone to other faiths and found the same or similar things. I think the answer is yes, but after my initial fear and rejection of my own for so many years, it felt oddly right to me to give what I’d been given a real chance. Not that I didn’t buy a book about Buddhism with my first collection of Jewish books when I went to the local bookstore (the books I bought? To be a Jew, God is a Verb, Siddhartha and The Jew in the Lotus). I mean I had to make a nod to the multiculturalism that I grew up with and was holding on to with ferocity.

As I continued to learn, I was constantly surprised by the ideas I was dealing with, about how well the overreaching philosophy meshed with my own. God was a part of that philosophy but I still felt it unnecessary to really tackle the elephant in the room. It’s not that I ignored god, it’s that I felt the question irrelevant. Okay so maybe this ‘god’ character is at the center of all this amazing philosophy, I don’t need to believe in god to get wisdom from this. I can take what I like and leave the rest, after all if my own consumer dominated culture has thought me anything it’s that I can pick and choose what I like, whatever fits into my own groove.

The great danger of that idea is that we, being the selective selfish creatures that we are will most likely ignore the things that we may most need to better ourselves, preferring to stay within the comfortable assumptions and behaviors that got us to that point.

What I’ve begun to realize of course is that accepting god, god as I understand him / it / she / we?? Is ultimately an act not of complacency or surrender but an act of love, mans salvation is by and through love. Being in love means that we are giving up ourselves to someone .That you are allowing the way you act to be influenced by them because you want to connect with them. Its means that you are risking being driven insane by that person when you do something they don’t like; all because you know that they believe you can do better. It means that when you do disappoint them that you’re allowing them to make you feel sad, to feel pain all because you want so fully to connect with them, to be with them. And it also means that you are allowing yourself to cause them pain because when love is mutual, when it is truly shared it means that you will cause them pain because they care about you, because they believe in you. Because they don’t want to see anything bad happen to you, because they want to protect you even when that may not be possible. I was surprised when I learned this, I continue to be surprised when I see this fully realized in the world; because it is the ultimate act of greatness, it is the ultimate act of self to live this.

I accept my own selfish impulses, I accept that I am weak when I should be strong, I accept that I must fail, I accept that I have only one small part of the answer. Yet I do not despair, I once thought that turning towards god, was to accept certainly into one’s life. Now I know it is the act of accepting and embracing uncertainly, it is an act of rejecting tragedy and accepting hope and salvation.

A moment of Zen: 23 Tammuz, 5769

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm – Winston Churchill

Rhythm and Blues

Camp is a quiet time, a time for reflection, a time to find oneself.

Many kids here are discovering many things about themselves that they may have previously not known. For me personally it’s been fascinating to watch and to be a part of. I completely underestimated the psychological toll that being here would have on me. Because camp makes me sad, it makes me feel like I’m ten years old all over again. Isolated, struggling to figure out where I fit into the diversity, unsure of myself and what I’m doing.

I never expected it.

I don’t know why but it just never occurred to me before this whole thing started that I would be forced to confront such old demons, demons that I had thought were well in my rearview mirror. But they are not and I’ve come to realize that now. I still hold the old images of myself deep in my heart, I still imagine myself as that young adolescent: lost and confused, unsure of himself; scared and angry at the world.

We all carry past images of ourselves. We all fight old assumptions, it will never stop.

For me it’s been as much about my future as my past, when I decided to come to camp it was as much a decision of necessity as anything else… I wasn’t sure what else to do so I took this job and came. It has been rewarding beyond measure. But as with all decisions made because of uncertainty it has lead in many ways to more uncertainty, to more confusion and doubt.

I’m struggling to figure it out.

I believe I am taking steps in the right direction and it’s that belief that is leading to the strength to carry on and to keep going.

But the fog is lifting and a new day has begun, I will not allow myself to succumb to the negativity that has at times surrounded me here, I will not allow it because I cannot control everything but I can control myself. I believe in purpose and order, I trust that my trials will make me emerge a better, more complete man, I will because I must.

To those who curse us

Camp makes me tired, just forty more days and it will be over… forty days. Our sages tell us that forty days have a powerful resonance to it. In Deuteronomy Moses appeals to god for forty days after the sin of the golden calf. I only just realized that that’s how much longer I have until camp comes to an end. Thus far it has been an extremely rewarding and tiring experience. I’ve been faced with new challenges, given new responsibilities, and to this point I’d like to believe I’ve risen to them.

It hasn’t been easy.

There are some mornings like this one that I wake up at 5:00am with my head so full of thoughts that I can’t go back to sleep. If I’m being honest then I’d say even when camp isn’t going on I’m somewhat prone to these mornings. One hand it’s my natural cycle, I’ve always enjoyed the peacefulness of the morning hours, I definitely do most of my writing at this time of day. I like to solitude of having my thoughts to myself, I know that one day in the not so distant future these times will be ancient memories. Lost in the rush of mornings filled with noise, filled with the demands of true adulthood, I’m feeling nostalgic already.

Can you feel nostalgic about time when you’re in it? I believe so.

Camp is giving me a wonderful clarity on my life, no TV, lots of work, kids running around, it has a realness to it that can’t be denied.

I’m dealing with a situation here that worries me, I’m a natural worrier, some parts of your nature can’t be escaped, I need people in my life to calm those fears, and I’m so fortunate that I have them and that I’ve found them. I’ve found in life that occasionally there are people of feel threatened by your very existence and those people will stop at nothing to remove you from their sphere.

I’m dealing with such a situation at the moment. I will overcome it. I trust that it is in my best interest, I pray that I will have the strength to rise above it. I’ve found that at the end of the Amidah when I say “to those who curse me, let my soul be silent” that I can’t help but repeat that line over and over again. I found this beautiful explanation of the passage:

Tosfos [Brochos 17a] comments on the prayer recited at the end of the Shmoneh Esrei: "My G-d, guard my tongue from evil and my lips from speaking deceitfully. To those who curse me, let my soul be silent; and let my soul be like dust to everyone." What is the meaning of the term "let my soul be like dust to everyone?" Tosfos suggests the very idea introduced by the Medrash above: Just like dust (afar) is never destroyed and always remains, we pray that our descendants should always remain and not be destroyed.

This prayer is speaking about people who are not our friends, people who curse us and abuse us. We pray that to those who curse us, we remain silent and we pray that our soul will remain like dust vis-à-vis our enemies. What is the intention when we pray that we should be like dust? It expresses a desire to be among those "who are insulted by others but do not respond in kind, who hear themselves being shamed, but do not respond" [Shabbos 88b]. Such people are the ones who eventually come out on top. We express this aspiration with the words "may my soul be like dust to everyone." That which Hashem promised Yaakov collectively for his descendants, we request on an individual basis as well. Concerning such people it is written: "And let those who love Him be like the powerfully rising sun" [Shoftim 5:31]

In the end it is my belief that those who seek to undo us, undo themselves, I pray for the strength to remember this when I want to respond to the petty criticisms and annoyances that I face not just in this situation but in all situations. If gods justice and mercy is ‘measure for measure”, if all our actions resonate then to quote the Beach Boys, I’m giving out good vibrations. Or to quote another source “Keeping the Faith” (it always makes me nostalgic of my time spent in NY because it was practically shot on my block)

May those who love us, love us, and those who don't love us - May God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping.

Emotion and Reason

A few words for this morning…

What started my spiritual journey was a singular defining moment, it took a solid week of build up to get that moment but in the end what did it for me was my eighth day on Birthright. I had spent the previous days talking about the meaning of life as I knew it; I listened to others do the same only there was a new element to it that I had never really heard before… God, Torah, halacha, etc.

On the eighth day (a number in Judaism that represents perfection) I wrapped tefilin for the first time and said the Shema. In doing so I became a Bar Mitzvah and then I approached the Kotel and prayed. I had never really tried to pray before, but this time was different, no one thing can be pointed to but it changed everything. In those moments, hours, lifetimes…?? I found something that I knew I could not let go of. Yes I found God. It sounds so cliché…whatever it happened. I tried denying it for a while but it did. I also found love. I met a girl who I dated for a long time and who I was able to open up to.

Both experiences taught me something that I thought I understood but didn’t and that is this: some of the things that are most real in this world aren’t logical, they aren’t neat, they are a little messy. I can’t prove that I love you, I can do things to show you, but in the end you must feel deep down that I do or all those gestures are meaningless. People seem so concerned with rational proof that I think too often they over look this essential part of life. They demand rationality with such fervor that they forget some of the most real things in this world are not rational.

In Torah I found that passion that I wanted and explored it. I read and talked with people and learned and learned. I never gave a thought to keeping kosher, or Shabbat, or really any mitzvahs. Yes I learned the Shema and acquired a pair of tefilin and started wrapping them (pardon the pun) religiously. But though all that I found the idea of the halacha appalling, antiquated. In the end though I’ve come to accept it; not necessarily because I wanted to but because I’ve come to realize that the very reality where the emotional part of the Torah comes from also has a rational basis that surrounds it. The two complement each other and to only pay attention to one is to deprive oneself of the richness and depth of the other. I still struggle with this, but I never thought I’d make keeping Shabbat a priority when I began learning, or that I’d have kosher dishes, the list goes on and on.

I think what I’ve come to accept is the whole reality of the Torah, not just part of it, not just the part that I’m comfortable with, not just the part that got me off. I have through a lot of hard work (writing this blog has helped immensely) come to accept the reality of it as a whole.

…whether the fields in science that have advanced the fastest in our time are those that have also lost the most of the earlier, more encompassing understanding. This sort of historical probing of the rejection of emotion is contrary to what B.F Skinner says about the value of history, absolutely essential to an understanding of modern events. But beyond this is a forging of the reconciliation between emotions and reason…that Quality is generated at the interface between emotion and reason. The western religions have contained elements of this idea for a long time. In Judaism, for example, Torah, the central pillar of the religion, is composed of two equally essential and entirely interwoven elements: the Pentateuch, which represents the emotional or spiritual element, and the halakhah, which is an originally oral tradition of formal rules, laws, rituals and customs – a kind of logical, rational system for interpreting and codifying the spirit of the five books. - The Arrogance of Humanism by David Ehrenfeld, chapter 4, Emotion and Reason, p.172, 173

“Catastrophic Gradualism”

It is common in contemporary humanist writing to find that a good deal of lip service is paid to the value of “emotion,” “compassion,” “human needs,” “vision,” and the like, but somehow reason always emerges as the dominate force in any humanist world view. This is not the road to synthesis. For a working synthesis can only be achieved if we make a continuous conscious effort to purge our thoughts and behavior of all traces of condescension towards the non-rational part of our nature. Emotion is a vital part of life – anger, love, fear, happiness – part of the essence of daily existence, part of our birthright which we have paid for with the countless deaths and tragedies over the course of eons. In full partnership with emotion, reason has at least a chance to help us survive. Without it, none. As usual Orwell, in his frank and simple language, has said it very well, in this case in an essay entitled “Catastrophic Gradualism.” “The practical men have led us to the edge of the abyss, and the intellectuals in whom acceptance of power politics has killed first the moral sense, and then the sense of reality, are urging us to march rapidly forward without changing direction.” Is there survival value in morality? I believe so. The modern effort to disprove the existence of altruism, the glorification of selfishness, and the apotheosis of the cost-benefit analysis are all manifestations of a reason run amok. They are short term wisdom, and no good can come of them. It is time to question reason once again, and a good question to start with can be found in Matthew 6:27. “Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?” The Arrogance of Humanism by David Ehrenfeld, chapter 4, Emotion and Reason, p.174