Book Reccomendations

I've read a couple of good books lately and I thought I'd share:

A History of the Jews, by Paul Johnson: if you’re a fan of history I’d highly recommend it. Johnson’s writing style is a great mix of facts linked to through stories. Don’t let its size daunt you its very readable.

Restore My Soul, Reb. Nachman: The great grandson of the Baal Shem Tov, this book was put together by later students of the Rebbe. Its about the redemption of the soul and it seeks to teach us that despite our many trials and hardships god is with us always.

Both of these books spoke to me in very deep ways as I read though them, maybe they'll speak to you as well.

Muddy Wheels

I’ve been feeling extremely directionless over the last month or so, and I’m not entirely sure what to do about it. When I left New York I knew or at least thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I thought however naively that this wasn’t really that big a deal, I thought on some level it would all be fun and games. Now the reality has set in I’ve been in the Holy Land for a little over five months. I in short live here, I have a life, and friends I’m once again feeling tied down only this time I feel tied down to a life that I don’t really like, and that’s not any easy thing to admit. I’ve loved being here learned, exploring, asking the must fundamental questions concerning existence. And yet I don’t feel like I’m getting what I need, because after five months I have more questions then answers (an unfortunate consequence of learning more) and I still have not resolved a single question of my religious observance. I have no clear cut answers(not that I should have expected to get any) More and more I just want to go home, but then I think about that for a while and what would I really be going home to? Back to work doing a job that I don’t have any interest in? Or do I continue studying, finding a way to make some money? Or maybe I’ll stay find something else to keep my interest until I can figure out a real plan. One idea I have been kicking around is going home and finding a religious family to live with, rent out a room and see if this is really what I want out of life. In many ways I think this might be the only way for me to figure it out, at least enough to get me moving again. I don’t know but I do have faith I’ll work it out when? I don’t know, what I do know is right now I’m not moving; in fact my wheels have been spinning around in the mud for far too long…

Bat Ayin

I went on an amazing trip last week, I had been in a real rut and I felt like I needed to get away to do something to get myself moving. I woke up early Sunday morning and emailed a few yeshivas about coming to take a look to see if they were right for me. I got two responses and set up Shabbat plans for Bat Ayin they were having an in-Shabbat and it seemed like it would be an unforgettable experience. The day seemed mundane enough I went to classes and then headed off to lunch. At lunch I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen him much lately so I went up to him excited to talk. After the usual hi, how are you’s what’s been going on he turned to me and said “I’m going to Tiberius, want to come?” I explained to him I had made plans for Shabbat and would have to be in Bat Ayin by Thursday. And then the weirdness started. As it turned out he had the same plans and so without really thinking about it I went to pack my bag, I didn’t know anything about what would transpire in the next week just that I was going to do something, and just doing something feels really good sometimes.

And so before I knew it three other friends and I were on a bus headed for Tiberius. It was a long three hour ride I didn’t feel good and couldn’t sleep and I was beginning to wonder why I decided to go on this trip to begin with I could have been relaxing and figuring out what I wanted to be doing with the next few months, a question that had been nagging me for quite a while. We arrived in Tiberius at around 7:30pm very happy to be off the bus and then something clicked in my head, we didn’t have a plan, none, zero, nada and I had just picked up everything to go on some crazy adventure, what had I gotten myself into?? With no plan we grabbed our stuff and headed for town. Needing a plan to Mattisyahu (my friend and not the artist and the ‘leader’ of our trip) asked a random guy if he knew of a place. As it turns out he was a yeshiva student at a place in town and invited us to stay the night without anything better to do we thanked him and headed to the yeshiva. We arrived to a weird scene, a group of women were chanting and making strange sounds in a big room to the side of the yeshiva, no one spoke any English and I was instantly creeped out, I wanted nothing more then to turn tail and find another place to stay. However after some broke negations we managed to secure a free place to spend the night. I slept deeply and quietly. With the sun up and the scene peaceful we davened, thanked our kind hosts and booked it out of there we had a mission that day and a lake to bike around.

Twenty miles didn’t seem like that much at the beginning of the day, but by the time we were ten miles into it, it seemed like an eternity. The ride around the lake was beautiful despite the overcast weather. In fact I think without the clouds we may have never finished our ride. With the moderate temperature and humidity none of us succumbed to the heat or got dehydrated. The beginning part of the ride was intense with lots of inclines and few declines. But by the time we got to the half way point of our journey Kibbutz Ein Gev it was all flat lands. I wish there was a better way to describe this ride, because in writing about I’m not doing it any justice. I mean after all why would a couple of guys just bike around a big lake, yea it was beautiful but what compels a person to do this? We could have after all just rode part of the way around it and then sat on a beach the rest of the day and enjoyed ourselves. Instead I found myself alone on the road with 10 kilometers left one friend ahead and one behind, wondering what the hell was I thinking? I haven’t been on a bike in 6 years and now I’m biking twenty miles in a day. And I think it comes down to this; its so rare in life to do something with definable goals, to do a task that truly has a beginning and end. Most of the time everything we do has implications that go beyond it, and so inevitably while we’re in the experience we’re not truly in it but looking past it. While I was riding those last excruciating kilometers all I could think about were two things. One how much and I wanted to give up and two how I wasn’t going to give up until I was done. It was a powerful moment alone fighting for every kilometer. When I was done I could hardly believe I had done it, a huge feeling of relief and pride washed over me, I smiled uncontrollably. I did it!! I couldn’t have done it anymore I did it as much as anyone could have. I think being in Israel feeling like I’m just floating in outer space I needed this, I need to have a definable goal, because what I’m doing right now is very important I’m learning and figuring out how I want to live my life and what’s important to me and what isn’t important to me. And that’s great but its hard feeling like I’m not accomplishing anything, even though I know I’m growing so much as a human being, and I know what I learn here with enhance my life, but it can be hard to feel. And so with our day long journey complete my crew and I picked up our bags and headed out.

With no real plan, we had to figure out what we wanted to do. With one of our companions on a bus back to Jerusalem it was down to three and it was between Safed and Tel Aviv. Exhausted and unsure of ones plans is not a great position to be in and with no one else willing to make the call it came down to me. In Safed there are beautiful views and possibly a yeshiva to take a look at. In Tel Aviv there are beautiful beaches and a real Metropolitan city to have fun it. And so I made the call, Tel Aviv it was, an exciting three our ride later we arrived, found a place to stay and feel asleep. The next day we chilled on the beach it was perfect weather for it and hooked up with some friends and crashed. It was incredibly nice of them to let us stay the night, as our plans changed hourly. And so we woke up late the next day, chilled took our time and said goodbye to another companion and headed off to Bat Ayin in the afternoon.

With the crew just down to Mattisyahu and me, we arrived in the Judean hills just in time for sunset. And what a sunset it was, in fact every sunset there was unbelievable. We arrived at the yeshiva, which was just a few trailers on the side of a hill and put or stuff down content to unpack and chill for a long weekend/ Shabbat experience of a life time. Most of the weekend was spent hiking, Bat Ayin is in the West Bank right on the edge of the Green Line and is without a doubt one of the most spectacular places I’ve been in this country and that is saying something. We hiked around and talked, I was reminded of the stories of the Baal Shem Tov who was the originator of the Hassidic movement and used to take his students on long walks though the wilderness. I couldn’t have asked for a better companion the connection between us bordered on the mystical. For some reason, we didn’t question it our journeys connected and we we’re in it together. We prayed with intention pleading with god and I for one really felt it, it felt like the old days for me, when I began praying it was the naive longing/ desire to connect, the guy’s at Bat Ayin definitely helped with that every minyan was intense with music and dancing, it was in short amazing. The Shabbat experience was also unique and powerful. And before I knew it, it was all over and I was on a bus back to Jerusalem a little less then a week after I started.

It’s funny how trips take on themes when you’re in the experience. Every time you begin a trip your never really sure what it will bring especially when you have zero plan like we did. And this one became all about ‘Emunah’ the best translation for the word being faith, trust in god, trusting that when you want to accomplish some task that as long as you want it, a work for it, the rest will take care of itself. Or as my dad puts in ‘life has a funny way of working out’. Everything in our trip just worked out we needed a place to stay and we go it, whatever it was we got it because we just knew we’d get it and if we didn’t we got something else and it turned out great. This was what my trip to Israel was about. Shalom.

Birthday

It was my birthday a few days ago and I just wanted to thank everyone for their well wishes, its such an honor to know that I'm remembered and loved even when I'm so far away. It was truly a special day, I didn't really do anything as I was exhausted from my trip (look out for a recap to be up soon) but it was still great. It was also fun that I got to give everyone blessings so I had a great time, Purim in a few days!! I can't wait its going to be crazy in the Old City, thank you all once again for thinking of me, Shalom.

Around the Sea and back again

I've been traveling for the last three days. On Sunday at lunch a friend of mine invited me to bike around the Kinnert and I thought it sounded like fun, 20 miles later we made it back to Tiberius exausted but happy. Me and my companions then headed down to Tel Aviv where we spent a relaxing day on the beach. Today I'm headed for Yeshivat Bat Ayin for the weekend and then back to Jerusalem. This has been a great trip thus far and I'm really exicted to check out a new yeshiva. All is well in Israel its been beautiful and warm, so warm in fact I'm dreading the summer heat but for now its picture perfect. Eretz Israel.

Senseless

Yesterday evening a man walked into a Yeshiva and started shooting innocent boys who were learning Torah. You can find details here or here. At times like this we are all asking ourselves why? Why did this have to happen? Unfortunately there are no easy answers and when your facing the reality of living in a place where this is just the reality of life it’s not easy. Everyone around Aish is talking today about security in our building about ways that this could be prevented. Everyone around Aish today is mourning for the young boys who were killed one of which was the son of a Rabbi who teaches a few classes here at Aish. This one hits very close to home, you would like to think that we’re safe, you would like to think that there’s a good reason for this, but there isn’t. Nothing justifies this kind of violence; nothing explains it away or makes it any easier to deal with. I wrote a few days ago about the situation in Gaza and how fortunate I felt to be getting a more personal account of it. How it’s amazing getting to see world opinion from the inside looking out. I’ll be curious to see what world opinion is of this, if the world even takes notice. Never mind. I don’t feel fortunate to have a first hand account of this, I’ve talked to Israelis, one of whom lost a friend in the shooting last night and all their reactions were the same, this is just how it is in Israel, this is the price you pay for living here. It’s terrible that a people could have that kind of attitude that they’re so intimately involved that they just see it as business as usual. I wish I never had the chance to experience this, I wish I didn’t have to talk with my family, trying to justify why I’m living here, why its still so important for me to be here, why I love this land so much, despite what happening, despite the risks, I do now and will always love Israel, for everything that it is and most importantly what I know it could be. So I’m okay, everyone here is okay; we’re just not you know okay. Eretz Israel, shalom, a peaceful and restful Shabbat to all.

It's a beautiful world

I know Aish HaTorah isn't the right place for me, I've known this in many ways since the moment I got here. I'm not knocking it as an institution the four plus months I've spent here have given me a wonderful background for which I'm extremely grateful. I've also met and had a chance to connect with a great number of amazing people and Rabbi's. But I feel more and more each day that I've out grown this place. And so I'm in the process of re-evaluating my options because I'm not done learning, there is after all so much to learn. I don't know where I'm going to do it just that I'm going to continue. So in the next two to three months I'll be moving on, I'll either come home and find a place in New York or find another place here in Israel where I can continue to grow both as a human being and a Jew. It's all very exciting, and I thought you'd like to share in my excitement.

Also after a month of relative silence I'm back in action! It's a beautiful day the sun is shining and I think I'll go enjoy it. I went to a wedding last and have another one to go to tonight, I love getting to share in all the joy, its a beautiful thing. Eretz Israel!

The Conventional Wisdom is Wrong

This is a wonderful op-ed from The Jerusalem Post. Check it out.

Also check out this Article from the J-Post, it focuses on the complete failure of the Israeli government to protect its citizens and here's another one from Haaretz. I've also been appalled(but not altogether surprised) by the reporting that consistently goes on about the situation here in Israel and the medias complete failure to report it in any kind of objective manner. Living in Israel gives you a feel and perspective for the situation here that I wouldn't trade for the world, if this is all I got from my time being here I'd still be thrilled. Enjoy.

To Clarify

I feel the need to clarify a post I recently posted. So I’m going to post a few things that come to my head in an email conversation I had. First I have no plans on being a resident of Israel. I love this country with all my soul, but as the old saying goes it would be so much better without all those damn Israeli's.

I don't want to live in a small box and I know living in Jerusalem especially the Old City is just that a very little box. While I find my religion fascinating, exhilarating and at times extremely troubling and difficult being a religious extremist is not in my plans. It’s become plainly obvious to me that I'm quite ignorant about what Judaism really is although I certainly know a lot more now then I did before. I have many, many issues with it, its conservatism; it’s restrictiveness on not only ones actions but thoughts as well. After all the tenth commandment is don't covet your neighbor’s property as if god thinks he can govern our thoughts as well as our actions. All that being said and problems aside that doesn't mean it’s not true and I'm sorry if that statement is troubling, it should be because its sure given me a lot of trouble over the last two plus years. Because if it is true, and I might as well just say it if this isn't true then nothing is. Then lets just face facts there are really only two options out there which is either nothing is true or one thing is. Subjective reality is after all a most unsatisfying and illogical world view after all, we all know that there is right and wrong. It’s my impression that as a society we've become disconnected from what’s real, for all our physical achievements we have lost touch with reality, with the mystical with the mysterious.

Maybe there really is no right and wrong maybe god doesn't exist. I'll never know for sure all I can do right now is learn and be as skeptical as possible. Believing in the divine nature of reality as I'm well aware sounds fantastic and I’ll just say it a bit crazy but that doesn't make it wrong or right for that matter either. Maybe I have lost my mind don't think I've never thought about that or for that matter don’t think about it daily. And yet here I am still in Jerusalem, still learning. I still can't read Hebrew well enough but I am getting better, I still don’t know the basic laws of living as a Jew well enough although I am making progress. I went to a wedding last night and I was talking with a newer guy who was remarking about the joy and the festiveness of the wedding he was in total awe and he said so. I could help but laugh because a wedding in this world means something; it means that both of their lives are going to be changed drastically from this moment on. Something that I don't feel is the case in the secular world. And I can't help but see that and think about that how life in this world has so much more inherent meaning wrapped around it.

I think about my brother-in-law being in Israel and wrapping tefillin everyday he was here and I wonder why he would do that if this was all just made up. What compelled him to do that if they're just some silly little black boxes with leather straps? It simply doesn't make sense and it’s in those subtitles that I can get lost. This is not easy for me, every time I talk with my mom and my sister I hear how badly they want me to come home in their voices even when they don't say it explicitly which they do often.

I know if I desire to I can be a religious Jew and still a 'productive' member of society, Jacob after all had 12 sons and they all received a different blessing one to learn all day, others to fish and plant the land, others to trade and support the ones who learn, etc. Judaism has always stressed a diverse and dynamic society. And I'm just trying to find my place in it.

Sincerity

For the answer, one should turn (as always) to the teachings of Marx. "The secret of success in life is sincerity," Groucho once famously observed. "If you can fake that, you've got it made."

My dad sent me this quote via email, its from the great Marx brothers and if you've never seen a movie from them, well then I just feel sorry for you. Enjoy, Eretz Israel

I can't go back, can I??

I’m really screwed up, I’m not sure how this happened, but one day I woke up and realized I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Why am I an Israel? What am I trying to accomplish? I don’t know. I was talking with my friend Ben last night about the difficulties involved in becoming a more observant Jew and he said to me something simple. It’s his opinion and he’s probably totally right that if I just go home now I’ll always have these spiritual questions nagging at me. If I just try to forget all about this then I’ll always feel a void. And if I become religious I’ll always feel like I’m alienating my family. That by becoming religious I feel like I’ll be separating my family from my life and I just can’t deal with that. And you know what I think he’s right and that’s where I am right now. I can’t deal with becoming religious because I know that it will separate me from my family, that it will create this great divide between us that will be impossible to cross. I’m so blessed that I have a family who I’m so close with that I feel such anguish about making any little decision about my life that could separate my family from myself. And yet it just makes the decisions I make here that much harder. I really hate being here sometimes. I wish that I could forget all about religious Judaism and just go back to my old life, as one Rabbi says around here “All you guys get to this point in your learning and you’re all the same because you realize I can’t go back now, can I? And it scares the heck out of you. I hate it, I hate that I have to make decisions that I know will make me different and apart from my family because I feel obliged to find the truth and seek it out and live it. I really hate being here and yet I know I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.

24 in 2

I’m going to be twenty four in two weeks and I think I’ve mentioned this to everyone here about twenty four times an hour for the last month. It’s funny because I never know how a birthday is going to hit me. Some years I barely realize its my birthday until the day before, others I think about nonstop months before. This one has definitely fallen into the later category. Its funny how these things happen, but it seems only natural that this year I’d be freaking out about my birthday, after all did I mention I’m going to be twenty four, that means I’m officially in my mid-twenties I’ve been out of college for about two years now and I’m currently unemployed and in Israel trying to figure out what life actually means to me as opposed to living in New York or some other place, working, making money and advancing in some company somewhere so I could hope possibly one day to find a nice girl, move to the suburbs, have a couple of kids and never think about what I’m actually doing. I’m being inane of course but still the question remains. And I’m not going to pretend that it’s not in my brain nagging at me, when am I going to go back to the real world and get my life going? Time is such a crazy thing when your young it seems totally unlimited and that old saying youth is wasted on the young becomes more and more true each year. Now that I’m where I am, doing what I’m doing time is all I think about. And it drives me insane sometimes because it doesn’t even exist and yet there are few things that are more persistent. And so time marches along moment by moment, day by day. Did I mention I’m going to be twenty four in two weeks??