Rhythm and Blues

Camp is a quiet time, a time for reflection, a time to find oneself.

Many kids here are discovering many things about themselves that they may have previously not known. For me personally it’s been fascinating to watch and to be a part of. I completely underestimated the psychological toll that being here would have on me. Because camp makes me sad, it makes me feel like I’m ten years old all over again. Isolated, struggling to figure out where I fit into the diversity, unsure of myself and what I’m doing.

I never expected it.

I don’t know why but it just never occurred to me before this whole thing started that I would be forced to confront such old demons, demons that I had thought were well in my rearview mirror. But they are not and I’ve come to realize that now. I still hold the old images of myself deep in my heart, I still imagine myself as that young adolescent: lost and confused, unsure of himself; scared and angry at the world.

We all carry past images of ourselves. We all fight old assumptions, it will never stop.

For me it’s been as much about my future as my past, when I decided to come to camp it was as much a decision of necessity as anything else… I wasn’t sure what else to do so I took this job and came. It has been rewarding beyond measure. But as with all decisions made because of uncertainty it has lead in many ways to more uncertainty, to more confusion and doubt.

I’m struggling to figure it out.

I believe I am taking steps in the right direction and it’s that belief that is leading to the strength to carry on and to keep going.

But the fog is lifting and a new day has begun, I will not allow myself to succumb to the negativity that has at times surrounded me here, I will not allow it because I cannot control everything but I can control myself. I believe in purpose and order, I trust that my trials will make me emerge a better, more complete man, I will because I must.