Feelin' Groovy

So I'm back in America, I've had a few days to decompress , to sort out my thoughts, etc. And to be honest I'm still not sure what to say, its weird being here, I hadn't realized how much I'd come to see my world though the lens of Israeli culture. I feel in many ways that in the last year I shed much of my attachment to America culture and life. At the same time I reamin fundamentally American in mentality I can't escape it. I miss Israel, I miss the rude people and the terrible service. I miss the rolling hills and that sparkle Jerusalem has at night that I've never been able to find anywhere else. I feel isolated in many ways I've spent the last year learning about being and living Jewishly. And without realized it I'd come to expect for everyone around me to feel the same way. Now I'm surrounded my the goyim, the other nations and its strange. Here I'm not surround my people who are searching for something beyond what you can see with your eyes, here I'm in the land on concielment. And I'm scared, its pain and simple. Now I'm in an extreme minority, and I have to justify every little aspect of my daily existance. Questions about my mundane activities are prevelent. Some people here think I've 'drank the kool aid' and frankly maybe I have. I know that I never would have thought I'd end up here three years ago. Never would have been able to accept the idea or god and the Torah being infinate and inchangable. Now its a reality that I've accepted and in many ways exbraced. And that means inevitable conflict I know that I can't stay where I am and so I'm moving on. Heading to a better environment for myself on Sunday, going up to New York, staying at a yeshiva until I can find a job and a place. I know I can't ever live with my parents again. Its hard to think that in many ways I'll never be able to go back, back to the days of innosense when I was just learning, just curious about my heritage. Thats the preblem sometimes after a while you start to see it as a better alternative. I've been asked countless times already 'what do you see in this? Why do you feel the need to do all this?' I wish I had a good answer. I in many ways have no good answer. Except to say that me and my friends spend all of high school and college bitching and complaining and discussing how much mainstream American culture sucked. Spent countless hours and days thinking of ways to distance ourselves from it and how we could best distance ourselves from it while also taking advantage of it. And I did something about all those discussions. I sought something better something more meaningful and less empty. For me Judiasm, was that alternative. In won't be for everyone but it is for me. It's what makes sense for me. I feel that a life filtered though the wisdom and gudiance of Torah can and will lead me to a fulfilling life, for me. I'm not trying to say it will be for anyone else but it is for me. I know thats in many ways selfish. That in my search of meaning and contentment I'm going along a path that few have tread and that few could ever imagine stepping foot on. So be it. I know that my journey down this path isn't going to be easy, if it was easy it wouldn't be worth doing. But I know that for me its correct, I'm not trying to speak for anyone else just for me. And thats where I am right here right now, right at this moment. Like I've said before this maniac mitzvah is far from over, in fact I think its just begun. Shalom in the home from Jersey, Jersey, Jersey.

Back in action

I'm back in the United States, I've been back for 24 hours now and I feel like I'm in the twilight zone, but all is well. I'm just trying to decompress and adjust to the time difference. My flight was uneventful and easy. I already have lots of thoughts but I think that I'll wait for a full on post from the backwaters of New Jersey for at least one more day. Shalom.

Goodbye

This is my last post from Eretz Israel, I can hardly believe it. I spent last week up North Safed was beautiful as always. The klezmer festival was a ton of fun. I had no plans going up there and was going to travel alone. Fortunately I was joined by a motley crew, as always with no real plan I had a great time. I dipped in the Ari’s mikveh, visited Rabbi Shimon bar Yokai’s kever in Meron and danced with thousands and thousands of people late into the night in Safed. I also got a chance to go sailing off the coast with friends. It was amazing we sailed from Akko to Haifa on a thirty foot sailing boat up and down the coast. I got to man the ship doing everything from hoisting the sail to taking the wheel. All in all I’d say it was a successful last week here in the Holy Land. For Shabbos I went to Rabbi H’s any all time classic for me, in the first three months here I went every other Shabbat, I got a little misty between Kiddush and Hamotzi as the reality of leaving hit me for the first time. He is one of the kindness and most gentle souls I have ever known. My father remarked after he met him, he is a man who has found his calling in this world. I also had a wonderful second meal and got to do third meal and havdallah with Rabbi B, one of the most remarkable people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. As I walked though the Old City with him Hassid’s and students alike approached him with questions, well wishes on his daughters’ engagement, etc. As patient as he is wise, he would stop and make time for everyone on the two minute walk though the square that took a half and hour. I have learned an immense amount not just from our talks but also but observing him being quite in his company. I owe a great debt to those two and many, many others. Also to the many amazing friends I’ve made here who have been there with me though the good, bad and ugly. As with most things in life the people really make the experience and my experience in Israel has been filled with seekers, people who are looking to become better more complete people. They’re not always perfect but at least the people I’ve been fortunate enough to meet are trying and that is saying something. I feel like there’s so much more I could say about this experience, certainly looking back at all my posts on this blog I realize I have. But nothing will every truly capture in for what it actually was. Words in the end are dead how to you truly express the feeling you get standing at the Kotel praying, at times pleading to god for mercy for an illumination on your path. How do you describe walking though the hills and valleys of antiquity with people you’ve known for a few months but feel like you’ve know forever? I don’t know but I’ve tried my best to capture my experience in the truest and most honest way I could. I know now that as I leave I try to do justice to this feeling as well, but in the end I’ll fail, hopefully spectacularly but fail I will. So I won’t try to keep doing so. At the end of the day I’ll know that this was real. I’ll hopefully have been able to impact the many people I’ve met here in some way just as they have impacted me so greatly. And I know that I’ll never be the same person I might have been had I never picked up and set off on this crazy journey and I don’t regret a moment, not one solitary single moment. I love this land and these people they are my heritage. Shalom Alechem and until later then from Eretz Israel.

168 hours

At this time next week I’ll be at the airport, the realization of that moment is really starting to hit me. In many ways I’m ready to go home. I never thought when I left I’d be gone for so long. Funny how life works, I can’t help but feel like I’m getting repetitive, I guess I have little more to say about my journey at present, more then anything I suppose its due to the lack of activity here in Israel. There just isn’t that much going on, I feel bad on one respect I’m tired and worn out. I don’t feel as though I’m taking advantage of this bit of time I could be using it to learn, to pray, to do whatever. After all I’m going to be leaving, back to the diaspora and the land of concealment. There won’t be thousands of minyans at my back door, constantly in motion. And yet I’m just a little bit tired, my inspiration has been waning. But once again I suppose that’s natural, without many people around, with most of my friends gone its all on me and I just need a break. I know I’ll be going to home to many challenges. And I’m not sure that I’m ready. At the same time I know I’m leaving armed with a slue of knowledge and more mature and confident person then when I left. I know there will be struggles; the kippa on top of my head that has become second nature to me to wear might suddenly feel heavy. Already I know making Shabbat plans will me harder, even here it’s not my favorite thing to do. I’m excited about the possibility of getting to do my own and inviting people over. But I know all those things will come in time. I worry about weaknesses I’ve failed to address suddenly hitting me over the head. That’s my nature I worry, especially when I have little else to do like now, one week less then 168 hours until a new leg of this adventure begins. I’m going up to Safed for a few days I don’t know exactly what I’ll be doing but I know that I’m saying goodbye. Goodbye to the birthplaces and kevers (graves) of my ancestors. Goodbye to places that hold an ancient lure and that sprinkling of magic that can be found nowhere else. The land of the matriarchs and patriarchs, the land that has been settled since the birth of modern man, shaped and reshaped in the image of those who believed it belonged to them and them alone. But Israel belongs to no one person; it’s a heritage for the world. The eye of the universe and the center of the world; I’ll be happy to be out of the center of the frying pan, but the outer rim while safer lacks all the action. Enough for now, Shalom Alechem from Eretz Israel.

Only the search matters

August 17, 2008, funny how my posts all seem to be dated now, I guess it’s just my way of counting down. Once again I’m back to my old ways without an internet connection handy all these entries will be thrown up at the same time. It’s a weird way to do things but that’s just where I am. I’m finding now that I’m in the single digits my growing excitement and dread is growing. In fact I can hardly wait to go home, and conversely find myself more in love with Israel then ever. I also find myself more reflective then ever, and in many ways less connected to god. Maybe its just a lack of inspiration, maybe its just me cushioning myself for an inevitable fall but now that I’m getting ready to leave I’m really beginning to think about where I’ve come from and what I want to take away from the whole experience. I think in the end, I’m committed to this path I’ve chosen, when I arrived in Israel it was with no intention of becoming a ‘frum’ Jew. It was never in the cards so I thought. But I realize more and more now that, that is precisely what I am, maybe not on the outside but on the inside its always what’s made the most sense to me. And I don’t expect the transition to be easy. I know inevitably I’ll fall and get back up perhaps hundreds of times. And due to my lack of an extreme nature I can’t see myself making a fuss over to much when I initially get home. But I know it’s there now deep down inside. When I got to Aish HaTorah I came with the naiveties intentions to learn about my people and who we are. I can now walk away ten months later with a rich understanding of our history and legacy to the world. And I can walk away with the beginnings of a foundation I sorely lacked. Were that will take me I don’t know exactly I know I have skills I’d like to build on. My Hebrew for instance is still woefully poor but now finally for the first time I have a foundation to start with and as long as I’m willing to dedicate myself to fifteen minutes to a half hour of practice a day I know that in time I’ll come to read it fluently. I also know I’d like to explore other methods to incorporate into my davening (prayer) through yoga, and other forms and breath and body control. This is in many ways a well beaten path. I also know that al least at present I have no plans to fully bend myself to the Torah. It’s admirable for those who choose it and I may very well do so one day. But for now I’m all about the baby steps. God willing when I get home I’ll be able to situate myself in a religious community, find a few families who I can connect with and learn from. Establish a life that I’m comfortable with but also where I’m growing and I’ll take it from there. Life is after all a pretty simple game. Even if we’re tricked into thinking its not, it is in its essence simple. You live, you die and in between you try to find a little happiness, something to do with your life that gives it a purpose and makes it meaningful. I suppose in the end that’s still a more existential sentiment then a Jewish one. So be it, at least for now that’s just where I am. And that’s what’s important for me, for now. Being honest about my beliefs and living those beliefs in a way that doesn’t compromise myself. I was once told by a wise man that when people come to yeshiva they are exposed to a world for truth and when they leave that truth becomes covered up and concealed. Much in the same way it was for the Jews on Sinai, they we’re given a direct revelation from god, long to be complaining that god must hate them and must be trying to kill them a short while later. And it’s the same for our lives. We’re given little bits a truth in blinding moments of clarity. Only to have those moments concealed by the day in and day out concerns and worries of our lives. But if we’re careful and smart we’ll find a way to hold on to those memories and carry them with us and in moments of darkness and concealment we’ll be able to find our ways. I hope and pray that though difficult I’ll be able to do just that… Is it really eight days until I leave? Yikes!! Shalom from Eretz Israel.

Lets get to the point

Life being what it is one dreams of revenge, I’m not exactly sure what that means but I’ve found that despite my lack of clarity on its meaning I find myself uttering it from time to time and for whatever reason it fits. It’s absurd to think about, but like I said sometimes its just works. I love life, mine in particular but I really wish I could figure it out sometimes. It’s funny because while I’ve accepted Torah as the essential truth in the world, apply it to my life and figuring out its place in my life isn’t always so easy. But one thing at a time, I tend to get caught up in how far I have to go, how much more I have to learn and accomplish that I often forget where I’ve come from, it seems now a lifetime ago that I was arguing with Rabbis about why god couldn’t exist but really it was only a year and a half ago, its funny thinking about conversations I had with my dad about being cynical of religious people and their motives about not giving up anything I liked for the sake of truth. I still cling to that motion very much, but I know its no longer me. I’ve accepted that I can not have faith without acts of devotion. Even if those acts do at times cause me considerable pain. Even if they force me outside my natural instincts, that is I’ve begun to realize the whole point of many mitzvoth, given the incredible range and scope of them. Living a life devoted to god and the mitzvoth forces a person to go outside themselves and in the process perfect themselves. That is the goal, it is often distorted and ugly as well as beautiful. There is as I remind myself and others a difference between being a self actualized person and a religious person. Simply believing in god and following the mitzvoth doesn’t make you a good person. That’s the goal of course that though the Torah and the minutia of detailed practice one will not forget the central tenant of the Torah, namely “Love your neighbor as you love yourself” and will always remember that it is a tree of life for those who grasp it. Remember the Garden of Eden? Two trees the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. What was their central mistake? Eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil first, if they had eaten from the tree of life i.e. studied the Torah and came to know and understand it then they could have experienced the world as it is though the tree of knowledge of good and evil. That’s our purpose, not to run away from life though the study of Torah but to first immerse ourselves in it and then go out into the world armed with the knowledge we’ve acquired. And that’s what I’m preparing to do. My learning is far from complete but I’ve come a long way from where I started and I’m ready for a new challenge even if it’s hard. Especially if it’s hard, because all the best things in life are hard, otherwise what would the point be?

Emes

Note: This was written three days ago, even now looking at it I'm not sure how much of it I mean. Which is not to say that as I was writing it, it wasn't the truth, it was and to a large extend very much is. But I've also realized how little I actually know about anything. And how much coming home has scared me and in many ways warped my perception of the world. Truth be told I'm not sure of anything at the moment.

August 14^th 2008, eleven days until I return to America, the last week or two has been extremely hard saying goodbye always is. But for whatever reason this goodbye seems particularly painful. I’ve seen and done and experienced so much in the last ten months, I hardly remember the kid who left New York thinking this would be a three month adventure. Now almost ten months since I left the shores of America for this frontier on the edge of the world I’m ready to go home. Maybe that’s what makes this goodbye so hard. I know that I’m ready for something else yet I don’t really want to say goodbye. I know I still have so much more left to learn, so much more to grow and I know this is the best place to do it. And yet I’m ready to leave and I don’t ever want to leave. Israel is home, my heart belongs here and it knows it. My soul has exploded here and I know it just won’t be the same at home. I’m going back to a place where I’ll be an extreme minority, where I’ll be forced once again to reevaluate my life, what I stand for and what I’m willing to endure for those beliefs. No I don’t think I’m being overly dramatic, yes I know I’m speaking emes, truth. I feel like at the present I’ve resolved what I need to resolve, save one precious, tender, mysterious problem. I’ve otherwise closed every door I’ve opened since I got here. Yes I feel like I’ve found closure with my life here. Except of course for one gaping hole in that door, it’s why I’ve had so much difficulty writing lately. Every time I sit down to write it inevitably pops up in my prose. Like with so many things in life it’s a girl thing. George Carlin famously does a sketch about this remarking “why did we bring a car to the moon? There might be women there!” And so it goes. It’s such a simple thing you’d think, but of course we all know its not, emotions can be deceiving and your heart and eyes will mislead you, they’ll turn you astray. And without them life would not be worth living the mind, and the soul would be empty without our emotions to move them. To carry them away, to make us feel invulnerable and yet to leave us so very vulnerable, I have a lot of trouble with that I’ve heard from more then one person that I talk and talk and talk and yet they’re not sure what exactly I believe. I think that’s a little much I’m certainly not a closed book and I’ve often a little to open about what I’m thinking about everything. I do after all have an opinion about everything as I’m often told. And yet I have an issue making myself vulnerable. And that’s where I am right now, I have eleven days until I leave Israel and I have a girl who I haven’t talked to in a week, a girl who I believe I may have something special with. It’s difficult to say, but it’s what I believe. I believe that the connection I feel when I’m with her and even when I’m not is not typical. That is to say it’s unique, special and I’m leaving. I’ve thought about it from every angle, picked it apart, held it up and still I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to admit that I feel this way. I’m usually so sure of my emotions; I usually trust my instincts, my intuition. And now I’m not so sure what if I’m wrong? What if given my statement above that I feel like I’ve resolved most of what I set out to do here, I just don’t have anything else to occupy my considerable brain power. What if my memory is faulty, what if, what if? That perhaps is the worst part for me, so many what ifs the biggest one being of course what if I put myself out there and there is nothing there what if I’m wrong? I think I’ll just have to deal with those what ifs I don’t know what else there is to do. After all what if I ignore those feelings? What if my what ifs, aren’t what ifs at all. What if my feelings are right? That what if might just be the scariest what if of all.

Tisha B'Av

Tisha B'Av is here and I'm hungry already. 10:15am is the time and I'm 15 hours into a fast that still has ten hours left to go. I haven't written much this month, its been sort of a crazy time. The last week feels like a month has elapsed and my head is spinning, or maybe thats just the hunger getting to me. On Tisha B'Av Jews all around the world mourn the loss of the second temple. The mourning period started three weeks ago and all culminates today. There are many restrictions as to what we as Jews can do during this time. We do this to create or re-create an energy / feeling of mourning. And its lived up to its label I can't say that its been an easy time. With all holidays we're supposed to actually feel the event itself. According to Judaism time isn't linear its circular, what does that mean? Think of time as a corkscrew, spiraling around so when we hit an day the energy of all of those days in previous years is present . Therefore on Pesach we're not just remembering the exodus from Egypt we're actually reliving it. On Tisha B'Av we're not just remembering the destruction of the temple we're living as if it happened this year. Its a very different way of looking at time then what many of us are taught growing up. Inevitably this way of thinking leads to questions like how the hell can I act as if the temple was just destroyed, more importantly how can I mourn it when I don't even really know what it was? And there are no easy answers for this. Personally I find that during these times I'm given reminders, hints and clues in my life that get me there. This last week I lost two of the most important people to me in Israel, and I've been trying to cope with that. First the person I was closest to in Israel, had a friend die unexpectedly and had to rush home. He was planning on leaving in a month but had to change his ticket and left almost immediately. On moment he was here and the next he was gone. It actually happened so fast that it still doesn't feel real. The second thing that happened was me and the girl I've been seeing realized that although there could be something really special between us that we're currently headed in different directions. I've been in Israel for the last ten months learning at yeshiva and ready to go home. And she just got here a few months ago and isn't ready to think about anything else. I can't say it has been easy for me, I feel a gap where I really believed something special had existed. And I don't know if we made the right decision. Now I don't know what to do, I've never been with someone I thought was worth fighting for, someone who I was willing to change my own plans for. And the more I think about it, the more I don't know what do to. I know I need to go home, I know I need to make money, I know a lot of things but I don't know what to do. I like I said have never fought for a relationship I want to do a lot of things but like I said I don't know what to do. And these two things have really helped me understand what we're doing on Tisha B'Av, they've made me feel a deep sense of loss and they've made me feel it in a way thats hard to verbalize. I know that where once there was a bond, a feeling of connectedness there is now a disconnect. And I think that that's the point of this whole thing. Its why we don't listen to music of have weddings, or sit on comfortable chairs. We're recreating a feeling that isn't comfortable it isn't nice. For many of us our whole lives are spend just trying to be comfortable, just trying to get by with as little involvement as possible. But thats not possible. We must engage we must be willing to put ourselves out there and take risks like being hurt and sad and upset and confused. I mourn on this day the loss of two people who we're very close to me but I'd rather mourn the loss then to be sitting on the sidelines. I accept that the temple isn't here because we as Jews aren't doing enough. Our mission is one of Tikkun Olam, the repairing of this world. We are the sacred guardians of a revelation that has changed the world and it is because of this not in spite of of it that we are still not worthy to experience a world with the temple in it. It is said when a man and a woman enter into a marriage that they create the temple together in the home and life that they build as two halves coming together to make a whole. It is precisely the same way Jews should regard our mission in this world to create the temple by first coming together and then using the energy of that union to facilitate another one, namely as I said before fixing this world. All of our relationships serve that purpose. By coming together by being open with one another and allowing others to share our experience, by not going it alone we can and will rebuild the temple and in the process unite towards common goals and if we're luckily make the world a better place.

Yibaneh beis hamikdash, bimheira b’yameinu.

The Ocean

Certainty is an amazing thing. I really admire people who have it. Case in point a Rabbi, not just any old Rabbi, although I'm not discounting anyone of them. But still there are differences and some of the men I meet at this yeshiva just have 'it' what 'it' is exactly isn't so clear but I'll venture a guess and say its something like this. People who think they have found the purpose of life and who translate that into a coherent world view are transcendent. That is they seem to be above most of the petty, nonsense that most people get caught up in. And I admire that a great deal, I pray for it and search for it and work hard for it. But I think in my moments of clarity I'm not sure I'll ever really have it. And thats a problem because you can never expect to get something that you don't believe exists. I've recently been trying to make some big decisions about the course of my life, an inevitable by product of transition. And its made me evaluate what I've learning here and how much I've grown and I've realized that now I only have more questions that I only have more ideas to bounce around and theories to test. I've realized that this maniac mitzvah is far, far from over. That alone is not a huge shock, after all get busy living or get busy dieing there ain't no third direction. So I know that this search will be ever evolving. And yet there comes a time and a place and I'm rapidly reaching that point where a man, a person has to point themselves in a direction and leave the shore behind so as I drift out to sea I can't help but crane my neck around, looking for the shore trying to see where I've come from. Because if I look ahead I'll realize there is a big vast wide ocean in front of me and I'm not sure where I'm headed and yet even as I look back I realize that the shore holds nothing for me, that all it is is a seemingly safe place. But its narrow to its a place of innocence and ignorance while the ocean is vast and wide and deep. I know even if it scares me I'd rather be sailing into the great unknown then to be tied safely to shore.

Happiness is...

I don’t know if I know how to be happy. Now that’s an interesting phrase isn’t it? I mean after all I live an awesome life. I have been blessed many, many times over and yet sometimes I think about that, I’m not sure I really know how to be happy, usually right around the time I feel comfortable and happy I pick myself up and do something else. Part of that is self imposed part of it is life imposed after all I couldn’t have just decided to stay in college for another year because I was comfortable, the four years was up I had my degree it was time to move on. And yet that feel persists in moments of silence when my mind isn’t focused on anything particular. Do I know how to be happy? Maybe it’s a comfort thing I don’t like being comfortable because I know when I begin to settle in I stop growing and pushing myself, so its not so much that I don’t know how to be happy as its I can’t be comfortable. I need to know I’m being pushed and when I’m not I force myself to find a push. I’m not sure I just know that, I had just gotten comfortable and now I’m not sure about what I’m doing anymore as I alluded to in the post below. Who knows, it’s just a thought I had. Maybe I’m totally wrong maybe I’m just being ridiculous. Maybe I just don't know how to be comfortable which is a good thing. But I don’t think I am I think in many ways I’m still earning how to be happy and how most importantly to let myself be happy and to stop worrying so much about everything. I know that I’ve made great steps and I will continue to do so and I am on the right path. It’s a good feeling knowing I’m on the right path, even if I have trouble seeing around the bend…

Spinning

It's amazing, life that is is for lack of a better word amazing. I was reflecting this morning on how much life can change in a split second. How one moment you can think your life is going one way and the next you feel as though you've been hit by a Mack truck going seventy miles an hour in the opposite direction by the time you stop spinning(we're going by cartoon logic / physics here, not real life) you don't know what way your going or if your even headed remotely in the same direction anymore. And you know what? Thats just how life is, and I'm working very hard at just accepting the fact that I am not in control of my life. That at times no matter what my decisions and feelings circumstances will happen, and I'll be left spinning and hopefully I'll know which way I came from when its all over. So what brings on this thought you the reader might ask? It all goes back to honesty. And by that I mean the post I wrote entitled Honesty. That was written because I met a girl, cue the White Stripes "Fell in love with a girl, fell in love once and I'm lost completely now... baah dadada... " yep that right I met a girl. An amazing girl and now I'm utterly confused about what I should be doing when I get home. I've talked with friends, family and Rabbi's alike. All have their own twist and take on the matter, all have their own agenda regarding the matter. And in a way it makes me angry I don't feel as though something this important should should have an agenda attached to it. And yet I know I can't stop that people have their own ideas about what life is and can be and those people impose all those ideas on to me and my situation. So yea I'm a little bit angry, but I think thats just me trying to replace the scared/ excited feelings that have otherwise dominated my mind for the last week or so. Because its now August first, I leave in twenty five days and I'm not sure what to do. If things continue to go well with this girl and then I just up and leave where will that leave us? I'm not sure and thats the problem. I like to be comfortable, I like to know whats going on with things in my life, I prefer not to leave things up to chance and here I feel like theres so much unknown. So many what if this and what if that and what if that other thing?!?! Its enough as I said before to make your head spin. Now I find myself having more difficulty planning anything past the next day. It all just keeps changing so quickly on me. And I don't know what to do some moments. Most of the time this has been making me happy. Happy and scared and excited! Its so wonderful building a connection with another person and trying to figure out if your lives are headed in the same direction, and if you'd be okay with staring across a table at that person for the rest of your life. Its a crazy thing to contemplate but thats where I am right now. I'm no longer a little kid, I'm trying to figure out what makes sense down the road not just here and now. And what can I say? My head is spinning, but at least theres a smile on my face :) Shalom Alechem and a good Shabbat to you all.