Day's of Awe

"The search for god, is the search for oneself."

One month, I've been home one month and what have I done? I've settled in, gotten used to being outside of Eretz Israel. I've gone to yeshiva for two days and then fled like my life was in danger with promises to return that I knew wouldn't be met. I've had some great Shabbat's with good friends both new and old. I caught a Met's game with a good friend. And I've thought a lot about everything that happened to me over the last year. It's hard to believe at this time last year I was in the beginning stages of planning that Maniac Mitzvah I've been on ever since. And I suppose this is an appropriate time for an accounting. It is after all just a few short days away from Rosh Hashanah and the days of Awe. In the last two weeks I've really tried to get a job search going. When I got to yeshiva two weeks ago, I had a moment of clarity. It happened while sitting in an amazing class. We were learning Strive for Truth by Rabbi E.E. Dessler, and I was into it. I was putting ten months of yeshiva learning to the test. In a new environment with no expectations of my ability I found to my great surprise that I had learning a ton. And it felt great, but then after the class I realized something, I didn't want to be there, I just didn't and despite my desire to be in a Torah community and to keep growing that simply wasn't the environment that felt right to me and so I packed up my stuff and got out. I fled for the safety of my parents house and I've been here ever since. Not really ever since but this has been my base of operations since then and it just makes sense to me. Clarity or death! Isn't that what its all about? And I feel blessed to be finding that. I've realized I'm religious but not that religious of course by whose standards do I judge myself? Mine thats whose and I'm okay with that, I'm okay with believing in god and Torah, I'm okay with being skeptical of the Rabbi's. I've realized that I can't expect myself to think and judge them any differently then I do other people. Which goes something like this: How can I expect myself to fully trust people who lived in a different time and a different world then me, to make binding decisions for me about every aspect of my existence? Especially given that my general observations of people are, that people by in large are self centered and protectionistic of their own values and ideas. And are by enlarge self centered and motivated by preserving their own ideas. So thats my scale, what does it mean practically? It means that I'll always struggle with the practicalities of the halacha, the laws governing a Jew's every day existence. It means I'll wear my kippa with pride and not give a f*** what anyone thinks about me for it. It means I'll observe kashrut and Shabbat laws but not freak out about it. It means in short I'll be a Jew the only way that makes sense to me. It means I'll have a relationship with god on our terms and no one else's. And it means that for right now I'm focused on finding a job and a life in a place that makes sense to me. I know what this means and I don't care. I know it means I'll live a life of conflict and turmoil about the decisions I'm making and the uncertainly of those outcomes. And it means I'll deal, I'll just deal with it. And I won't despair about it. Quite the contrary I'll celebrate every last little contradiction of it, I'll love every minute of it, even when I can't take it. Because it hard being home, remaking a life I left behind forever but will never really leave. But it's also rewarding in all its challenges. We are approaching the days of Awe, we're all getting ready to do an accounting of our souls. It's hard but its worth it. So lets all revel in it because what else do we have but to enjoy it while it lasts.

I work my whole life - I don't apologize - to take care of my family, and I refused to be a fool, dancing on the string held by all those bigshots. I don't apologize - that's my life.

A little understanding

Two pre-shabbat quotes that stuck me this week, they are both from books near and dear to my heart. I've read both multiple times and every time I learn new things from them as my understanding of life and the world evolves and changes.

"The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing and therefore must be treated with great caution." -

"I don't know a soul who doesn't maintain two separate lists of doctrines - the one's they believe they believe; and the ones they actually try to live by."

Doubt in the face of certainty, certainty in the face of doubt

Its not often I set out with a theme in mind before I start writing but everyone once in a while it just sort of happens. What I've been thinking about a lot lately is this sort of an idea, the feelings of absolute certainty that I feel while simultaneously faced with massive, almost paralyzing doubts about my direction. My year in Israel highlighted this for me, how do I deal with absolute truth in the face of raging doubts? After much contemplation I'm still not sure except to say this, living in Israel particularly Jerusalem means living in a world that doesn't exist anywhere else. And spending so much time there and feeling like you fit in in that place and that you belong really clouds your ability to see past in, despite my feelings at the time that I was in fact above it. How foolish, how naive of me, how arrogant of me to think that I could be in a place like that and not be effected by it. Which is not to say I didn't think that Jerusalem didn't effect me at all, however I so glibly assumed that given my abilities I could in some ways remain above and aloof from it. But you know the reality is that I didn't, no one can. Now faced with America, and New York I'm no longer so naive. I noticed it almost immediately this time. The way that the land and the culture bends and shapes me, and you know what? I'm cool with it, I'm realizing now, more and more that I can't escape from it no one is above it and you know what? That's not such a bad thing, it actually an if not amazing thing then at least a positive one. Because without that 'ability' without that innovation in our beings, we as a species could never exist. We'd be torn apart by our differences and opposed to united by our similarities. The books of the prophets confirm this and now scientific research backs it up. It's our natural tendency to try to 'be like the Joneses' and it can lead to terrible things, it lead to Am Israel's destruction when they starting worshiping the idols of their non-Israelite neighbors. But it's also why I sit comfortably today in a cooperative and generally just society. And so I arrive back at my starting point. Which goes something like this: I exist in two worlds on the one hand I'm an Israelite and I know succumbing to the idols around me is wrong and will ultimately lead to my destruction. One the other hand I'm surrounded by a society that doesn't know and doesn't care. And I like both worlds, I won;t sacrifice either. I refuse to run away from my family and friends and cut my self off from their world. And yet I don't live in their world, and the more I learn and grow the less I identify with it. I'm certain I'm right and I doubt that I'll ever go back, nor do I want to but I still want an anchor a point of commonality. I really don't want to lose my mind. I want to be able to relate to the world I grew up in and still love. And so here I am stuck with doubt in the face of certainty and certainty in the face of doubt.

Identity Crisis

Why is it I write most often when I’m unhappy? I don’t know but it does seem like I’m at my most lyrical when I’m not happy. Its weird being home, getting away from Israel, so much of my Jewish identity is wrapped up in that land and now that I’m home I’m not sure what it all means to me. Which is exciting but also scary, I have an ongoing conversation about this with myself. I in my more honest moments have a lot of trouble with the idea of an absolute unchangeable truth. Maybe that makes me weak, but I think most people still cling to the idea that there is so sort of absolute in this world. We all believe in fundamental unchangeable truths. But what do those moral truths mean? And maybe more importantly how does that impact my life? In Israel and especially Jerusalem you encounter a lot of god fearing people. Our relationship to god most commentators agree is played out as a dichotomy on one hand we have fear and the other love. Those are the two central points by which human being live their lives. They underpin the central point in ones decision making. Why am I going to get a job? Why do I need a job? If I don’t have a job then I won’t have money, if I don’t have money then I won’t be able to do things that I enjoy. This is love I’m making a decision based on some desired effect that will in my estimation make me happy. Because I do this, I can do this and then I’ll be happy. Or if I don’t get a job then I won’t be able to meet my basic needs, I won’t be able to do anything. I’ll end up desolate and alone. I’m afraid that if I don’t do this then I’ll have nothing, I’ll be nothing. Everything else is just a by product of these two motivations. And I think what I’m struggling with right now is this: if my practice isn’t making me happy, then what am I doing it for? Am I just doing it out of some, crazy self conceived fear of a god whose presence is so hidden in this world that, it’s impossible to really see. And so what am I doing this for? I don’t know right now but I know I’m angry at god, I know that I’m not happy where I am. I know that I need time and that I’m still in the beginning period of my reflection and evaluation of what I learned and experienced in Israel. And I know that I need to find a space where I can do that, and I don’t know where that is and that scares me to no end. I’m afraid of going forward, I’m afraid of going backwards and so I’m stuck going nowhere. And I know this to shall pass but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. It’s hard to be where I am now, two plus years out of college, without a job, without a place and without a direction. I was happy before I left on that maniac mitzvah, maybe not all the time but more often then not I was happy with what I was doing. I knew that I needed to learn more in terms of my Judaism, but I thought I was on the right track. And then I just picked up and left and went to Israel for almost a year and now I’m back. And I feel like instead of getting closer to where I want to be that I’m farther away the ever. But maybe that just natural, I don’t know, but its just kind of what I’m thinking about on this rainy morning in New York. I know that in fact I’m much closer to where I’ll end up then I ever have been before but it’s just more difficult to see at the moment. And maybe this to is just what needs to be happening right now, maybe you can’t see clearly until you’ve struggled though the clouds. Maybe, just maybe…

Exile

Being in exile can be very difficult. Its just what popped into my head this afternoon, but its true whenever you get away from one world, from one place and move to another one its not easy. For ten months I was immeresed in a vibrant, colorful, diverse Jewish community. Jerusalem is the epicenter of it all. And I think that discovering one's Jewish identity in Eretz Israel is a different expereience then discovering it outside the land. Because for me so much of what it means to be Jewish is wrapped up in the physical land of Israel. I identify my tradition with the Judean Hills and the west bank of the Jordan river. So being away from that critical part of my identity is quite a culture shock. I know I'll adjust, I know in time I'll find a world here that fits my idea of what being Jewish is about. But right now I'm in an exile and I know I'll endure. Even though I know its a difficult road, I recognize that I'm just starting on down it. And I know as I progress it will become more familiar and as it becomes more familiar my exile will cease. But for now I follow in the great tradtion of my people, an outsider in a land thats not truely my own, finding my way, discovering what works and what makes sense and wahts right. Enough for now, its a beautiful sunny day, football is being played, and if you can't find the beauty and perfection in a play action pass, well then I just pity you. Shalom.

Opening doors

I've been home for a week and already the United States is starting to close me in. I can't help but feel that way about it, everyone here keeps telling me that life there is so hard and that its not a good place and all these other things. And you know what? They don't really know anything, but I think that I don't really know much either. I ultimately just know how the two places make me feel, the US is so comfortable, it’s easier to deal with life here, I know how to look for a job and an apartment and start a life. I've done it before and I can and am beginning to again. While Israel is a wild frontier, it’s a big vast open land that needs filling in. America is dull; no one that I meet here is asking what this is all about. They are so entrenched in living these neat little lives they've created for themselves. A week home and already I'm on the job search, not at yeshiva, not connected to a Jewish community, on the search for a job; which is good it’s important to have a way to make some money so I can quit living off my savings. I'm not trying to discount it. It just feels so meaningless and safe. Israel was dangerous and bursting at the seams. People there from all walks of life walk around with a purpose; they are all part of a place where they feel like they get to create the story, to make a real impression with their lives. I don't know, it’s all like I've said very confusing and I feel obligated to give it a good run here but I know I can't do that at the neglect of my spiritual growth. I know I need to find a community that I like and can be comfortable in. A community where I can make friends that share my passion for yiddishkit and the exploration and expansion of Torah in the world. It’s funny after spending so long in a place where it’s the central aspect of people’s existence and then entering a world where it is (maybe) a blip on their radar screens is quite a shock. Especially given that it’s a world I used to feel like I identified with so strongly and I know if I'm not careful I'll slip back into it. Just because it’s so comfortable, people I talk to don't want me to be in a yeshiva environment again. Some are of the opinion that its become comfortable for me. I worry about the opposite without a strong anchor here in the Diaspora without a community that supports and encourages my pursuit of the truth. I'll end up like so many stuck in some non-committed, uneducated half world, wherever and whatever that is. These are the thoughts swirling though my brain this afternoon, tomorrow I head into the big city to do some interviewing, to shake a few hands and see how that feels and where it might take me. It’s all for the moment about not being afraid to just throw myself out there and see what possibilities open up, then I’m off to Monsey at the beginning to next week, its taking me a little while longer then expected to make it there but I am committed to going and checking it out, just you know to see how it feels, find out what doors it opens up, isn’t that what life is all about anyway…

Kicking Around

What to do, what to do, what to do indeed. Its been a week since I arrived safely in New York, and what a week its been. It took me the better part of the week just to feel like I was actually here. Ten months is a long time, longer then it felt. And I'm at at home just relaxing but also stressing and being bombarded with questions and ideas about what exactly to do next. The pressures come from all over the board but mostly of course from within. I think I'm headed up to New York for the time being, go learn in yeshiva for a while longer although at the moment I really don't know how i feel about that. I think I'm just going to force myself to do it and take it from there. I think the bottom line is right now I just don't want to do anything, the atrophy has already set in. At the same time I was sick and tired of yeshiva when I left, I mean I want to keep learning its a lifetime pursuit but do I want to do it in that environment? I don't know. I think it might just come down to wanting to have my own space. I don't think I'm ready to go back to having to share so much space with other people, I'd really like to make some money and find a space of my own. It would be quite nice, but is that a good enough reason not to continue learning? I'm not sure, but its just whats kicking around in my head this morning.