The motion in the Ocean

I awoke with flurries falling outside my window, it’s been sometime since I last sat down to write, I find that writing for me is rhythmic I fall in and I fall out.

Life has been interesting; school is getting harder and challenging me in new and interesting ways. I spent much of my life just getting by on my intelligence alone. Now I’ve been made to work and work hard at improving my writing and analysis skills. My classes are filled with adults who are much older and more experienced then I.

I’m enjoying the challenge of it all.

I’ve also settled into a nice religious rhythm, I wrote awhile back that I’ve learned to be religious and just shut the hell up about it. When I wrote that what I meant was that for the longest time I had to struggle, really struggle and fight with everything that I was learning. Every step was a huge momentous occasion of either victory or defeat. Now? It’s just a part of me, I’ve stopped feeling awkward when I’m speaking with people and they invite me out Friday night I quietly and firmly say sorry its Shabbat how about the next night? Or when I’m looking for a job, it’s not such a struggle to say, I have to leave by midday-ish on Friday so I have time to get ready for Shabbat. I felt that for the longest time I was a religious Jew in hiding. That I was constantly praying that I wouldn't run into issues where I had to make an issue out of my practice.

I've always understood that I’m making a choice, no matter what; keeping Shabbat is a choice just like anything else in that regard. But it’s also not completely my choice anymore; with every passing week that I continue to make that choice it has and continues to become part of who I am. So to contradict myself, it’s my choice but it is not really my choice anymore. There is momentum that has built behind me that compels me to continue making that choice which makes it easier and easier to do so with every passing week. It’s just who I am now I still struggle and still question but I’ve also made my decisions and I’ve learned to be more comfortable with them.

While I make those choices time keeps ticking away. The winter has settled in all around me and I look out my window and see the snow lightly falling and feel profoundly grateful for all that I have and all I’ve been given. I thank the creator when I bow my head in prayer for all that I have been granted and all that I have been denied. The world despite its problems, despite my struggles is a beautiful place in all its imperfection. I’ll end this morning with some words about Chanukah spoken by the Lubavitcher Rebbe:

“On the first night of Chanukah, all eight candleholders stand before you. But you light only one. Tomorrow night you shall light two. You know that eventually you will light all eight. From which we learn two things: First: Move step by step in life. Take things on at a pace you can handle. Second: Always grow. Always keep moving. If you did one good thing yesterday, do two today. Your ultimate achievement is always one step ahead.”