Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow

This is the 4th night I’ve spent in the hospital in a row, its Shabbat but I’m typing on my computer, sometimes the rules go out the window. There’s nothing technically wrong with me, I’m fine, or so I keep telling the woman I love. Nothing wrong with me that can’t be cured if only she would feel better. Its 7:49am we’ve been up all night, we thought we were getting out of here yesterday afternoon, we thought we were getting out of here this morning. But no, last night when we fell asleep I thought that she was getting better. I thought that I would wake up in the morning next to her and find that the pain was reseeding, that after four days of tests and no answers the pain would go away the same way it came, suddenly and without warning. But no, it came back worse than before, woke up my darling in the middle of the night, brought her to tears, had us both in tears actually. I feel helpless right now, the woman that I love, the woman who I’ve been talking with about baby names all week is sick and we still don’t know why. The doctors have been great, running tests, but the tests have been coming up empty. I had the worst dreams last night that I’ve ever had in my life, I don’t even want to repeat them but they involved doctors and emergency surgeries and horrible, horrible ideas. They consume me, I try to control them but still I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat, tears spring to my eyes without notice, I just can’t help it. Life is funny sometimes; it throws you curveballs that come out of nowhere. Growing up is hard, it makes you think and feel things that you never thought possible, for instance I never realized I was such an emotional person, never realized that I could be so in love with someone that it hurts me when she’s hurting. I posted this on facebook yesterday before Shabbat: I'd just like to take this moment to wish everyone Shabbat Shalom, there are times in life that help us understand what really matters in life and what does not. I feel blessed this week to have been given such clarity...now I'd just like to take my girl home and get out of this hospital, please g-d soon.

… As I was writing this the nurse came in and gave us some news, when the pain hit hard last night they scheduled a ultrasound, again it came back negative. But another test came back and it might be something, something not so serious. If it is this then it can be treated, I’m going to go pray now, its Shabbat this is usually the day that I unplug, that I let go of everything that’s has happened during the week. Now finally I might be able to plug back in, plug back into reality, to what’s real in this world.

If you’re reading this please take a moment to think about those who you love and say a quick prayer for the woman I love and for a refuah shlema (quick recovery) for B'reena Rachel bat Danit.

Shabbat Shalom