Yom Kippur (post script)

It’s been a while since I’ve sat down (well not literally I’m in bed right now) and written a post for the blog but I wanted to say something about Yom Kippur.

This year I had a Yom Kippur like I’ve never experienced before. I felt terrible on Sunday morning, I spent the day eating and drinking in preparation of the fast. As the day went on I continued to get dizzier and dizzier, my head was pounding… I was not in good shape. I wasn’t sure what to do. What I did was fall asleep at roughly 4:45, I woke up as the sun was setting. I finished my preparations and got ready to go to Kol Nidrei… I didn’t make it, I fell back asleep. I woke up at dawn.

I was not doing well.

I contemplated my options; I knew that I could not stay in bed all day and continue to fast. I knew that staying home would mean making soup and taking some medicine and sleeping some more, boy was I tired (and I had slept for 14 hours that night!)
I decided to get up, get dressed and get to shul. When I finally made it I was greeted warmly, everyone was glad that I made it, they all knew I wasn’t feeling well, they all told me the same thing, just go as long as you can, if you can’t make it don’t try to be a hero, eat, take some medicine and get into bed. Take care of yourself if you have to and so it began. I made it through the day; we took one 45 minute break. We prayed all day.

This is the first place where I’ve ever felt completely accepted as a spiritual person, where I don’t feel the need to hide myself. This is my chosen community; this is still very new for me. I stood next to two of the Kollel Rabbis these guys are heavy hitters. They are also my friends and they got me though the day, making my laugh when I felt I couldn’t go on any longer, helping me find my place when I got lost and or just zoned out for a few minutes, encouraging me to go on and make it though the day.

I thanked god for the many, many blessing he has given me, I asked god for forgiveness for my many, many sins. I asked for nothing other than strength to make it though the day.

By around six I was getting delirious when it came time for the Neliah service I wasn’t sure if I’d make it. It’s the last service of the day; we open the doors of the Ark and don’t close them until we’re done. That means we stand for the whole thing, last year I almost passed out (not I’m not exaggerating, my knees buckled at one point but I made it then) and I made it this year, in the closing moments when I knew I would make it, I felt such an amazing wave of euphoria. I was determined to make it and I did, the day was almost over. Soon I would be home eating and drinking. I’d once again have to look after my own needs.

The thing about Yom Kippur is that, on that day we are like the angels. Completely without need, the whole day we atone, we ask for nothing but forgiveness and god in his infinitely mercy grants it not just to us individually but us as a group, and not just to the group of people we’re with at that particular time but to the whole world. I felt it in those final moments when we yell out to god, in grief and happiness. I felt that I was truly connected to each and every person in that room. I hadn't made it WE had made it. I hadn’t been forgiven WE had been forgiven and not just those of us in that room but each and every one of us. I needed nothing I was completely whole.

I wish that every person could have an experience as I had on that day. To everyone I say have a great weekend, a good Shabbat and a good year.