Fear and Loathing in Eretz Israel

I'm not sure what I'm doing at Aish HaTorah right now, I feel like I've lost sight of why I wanted to come in the first place and I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do about it. I've come to realize in my time here that Aish has a very specific mold that they want from the people here and if you have different ideas or don't fit into it eventually they will drive you out. Either through their actions or through your own free will. It’s difficult to feel so directionless to feel like you don't fit in where you are, even if you’re happy and well adjusted. Even if you have great friends and are enjoying what your learning. There’s just no room to breathe so trying to regain your perspective and think about the things that brought you here in the first place becomes increasingly difficult. Because I have to say all things being equal, I'm in; I'm in the process of becoming and living a relatively religious Jewish life. Being in Israel, learning at the yeshiva speaks to me in a way that I've never been spoken to. It cuts though the layers of nonsense normally found in life and gets right to the heart of the matter. To what’s important in life. Friends sometimes ask me what I'm doing here, what I'm learning and what I'm getting out of it. And its not an easy answer, I'm not getting anything tangible for being here, I'm not helping my career or doing anything I can put on a resume. In fact I put a promising start to a life on hold just so that I could be here, another reason it’s not so easy to be here. So I'm reevaluating my options, looking at other places to study, other programs for people in Israel who just want to do something, and I'm figuring it out. I just thought I'd share, apologies for those who read this and don't know what I'm talking about. Last night I went to a wedding, got drunk and danced my face-off, only then to go to a local bar with a few good friends and watch the New York Giants, pull off one of the most improbable wins in sports history and deny the Patriots their spot in history. As I kept telling my friend last night 18 - 1 means nothing, Eretz Israel, Shalom.