Tsfat and why I decided not to cut my hair

I’ve been having a really hard time here at Aish HaTorah as of late, its not easy being so far from home. Last week I got to watch the New York Giants beat the previously undefeated New England Patriots at a bar in Jerusalem at 5:30 in the morning. It was crazy being in that environment and I’ll always have a great story to tell about watching my team win a championship for the first time in my memory. On the other hand I wanted nothing more then to be sitting with my two best friends back at home Jay and Brad, in my old apartment relaxing, watching the game. And I suppose that’s why I came to Israel in the first place so I could have some great stories to tell, but its easy to say and think and another thing to experience, yes absolutely it was cool to be half way around the world watching the Giants win in dramatic fashion, but interesting stories only count for so much. In any event I’ve been struggling lately, I’m not satisfied with what I’m learning or what I’m doing.

So with that on my mind I went to Tsfat for last Shabbat, Chabad runs a program approximately once a month called Ascent, where you can come for the weekend, learn a little Kabbalah, Tanya, mysticism, etc. It’s a wonderful program, each retreat has a theme, and last weekends was Joy a perfect theme for me especially since I haven’t been feeling a lot of that lately. Me and a random group of guys headed up on Thursday night, when we arrived we got settled in went to a class and met with many of the other people who had come. This place attracts people from all over, but inevitably we met up with some other girls and guys from other Yeshivas / Seminaries around Israel. It was a interesting experience to get to talk with other people all going though the same struggles as we are, dealing with many of the same issues that come up when a person is reevaluating how to live their life. It’s also a crazy experience to be around people who are just traveling around Israel, and have come for the experience they’re just in Tsfat to check it out. And when you start talking with all of these different people its really only then that you begin to realize where you stand. When you talk with someone about why you personally think its important to keep Shabbat or what the differences are between male and female roles in Judaism or why you go to the mikvah. And it’s a real crazy journey or as The Grateful Dead might say “what a long strange trip it’s been.”

So I had an amazing weekend, went on a hike on Friday morning in the mountains, the Golan Heights and the surrounding areas is without a doubt the most awe inspiring place in Israel, it’s a bold statement, but I’m a country boy at heart and I love the fresh air, being surrounded by the big trees and rolling landscapes. Then a quick trip to the Ari’s Mikvah and back to Ascent to change into my Shabbat clothes and welcome in the Sabbath. We went to a Chabad shul for Kabbalah Shabbat and it was incredible, singing and dancing your way though the many prayers and psalms is quite the experience it definitely adds gravity and importance to the moment. Not to mention after two hours of praying like that you’re definitely ready to enjoy a wonderful dinner, its better then any concert I’ve ever been to without a doubt.

The rest of the weekend was filled with much of the same joy and good feelings, I had a great meal with an amazing Rabbi later that night, I begin to get clarity on what I’m still doing in Israel and I was convinced by my friend Mattisyahu not to cut my hair. Lately its been really annoying me, its long and starting to develop into quite a mess. And I’d been saying that I’m going to leave Israel when I cut my hair, so its just a really weird way of saying I’m not ready to leave Israel yet. Being a part of such an amazing weekend hanging out with great friends made me realize I still have a desire to learn and grow in my Judaism and I had been starting to forget why I came and what I was after so it was great to realize I still have a passion for learning. But I also realized that what I’m learning now isn’t working for me. So I’m talking steps to change the things that are making me unhappy and I’m going to work my way though my issues. And find a place either here at Aish HaTorah or somewhere else if I have to where I can be comfortable in my learning and growing and be happy. So I’ve been talking with some of the Rabbis here and with some friends at home, and I’m going to work it out and when people ask me when I’m coming home they’ll now know the answer is…(when my hair goes, so do I)