I can't go back, can I??

I’m really screwed up, I’m not sure how this happened, but one day I woke up and realized I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Why am I an Israel? What am I trying to accomplish? I don’t know. I was talking with my friend Ben last night about the difficulties involved in becoming a more observant Jew and he said to me something simple. It’s his opinion and he’s probably totally right that if I just go home now I’ll always have these spiritual questions nagging at me. If I just try to forget all about this then I’ll always feel a void. And if I become religious I’ll always feel like I’m alienating my family. That by becoming religious I feel like I’ll be separating my family from my life and I just can’t deal with that. And you know what I think he’s right and that’s where I am right now. I can’t deal with becoming religious because I know that it will separate me from my family, that it will create this great divide between us that will be impossible to cross. I’m so blessed that I have a family who I’m so close with that I feel such anguish about making any little decision about my life that could separate my family from myself. And yet it just makes the decisions I make here that much harder. I really hate being here sometimes. I wish that I could forget all about religious Judaism and just go back to my old life, as one Rabbi says around here “All you guys get to this point in your learning and you’re all the same because you realize I can’t go back now, can I? And it scares the heck out of you. I hate it, I hate that I have to make decisions that I know will make me different and apart from my family because I feel obliged to find the truth and seek it out and live it. I really hate being here and yet I know I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.