Good Grief Charlie Brown

Life being what it is one dreams of revenge… for whatever reason I love this quotation, I don’t know where I go it from but it rings true to me for whatever reason.

I don’t always understand why’s of life, like why on the same week that I found out that by no fault of my own I’m losing my job does my car decide to breakdown… yep that’s right, you heard me right. Last night at 6:22pm when I was a scant 3.5 miles from home my headlights dimmed, I heard a weird noise and suddenly the accelerator didn’t do anything and before I knew it I was on the side of the road, standing by my car, in the cold watching cars zoom by at seventy miles an hour.

Good Grief

I had to laugh… well after I had let out of few of the more choice swear words I know… I laughed and yelled out in frustration, I mean really? Really? This was the day my car decides it’s had enough… unbelievable…

Yet this is the reality I live in and its my nature to look for a positive in everything, this one tested me but ultimately I came up with this: at least I wasn’t stranded, at least I have a father who called triple a and came and picked me up off the side of the road so I didn’t freeze to death waiting for the pick up truck, at least I had a ride to the train station this morning, at least I have friends who when I called sympathized, I’m still very lucky, I’m still feel blessed just to be hear.

I’m not sure what else to say, I made it home, had a nice dinner, called a girl who I when out with last week and arranged to meet again and spend a day enjoying the city together. I still have it good; I’m still living the good life. I know I’ll get back on my feet, I know I’ll eventually find a job, get an apartment, etc. I know all these things, maybe that’s why I couldn’t help but laugh last night standing in the freezing cold…

Or maybe just maybe I’m losing my mind… What’s that I wrote once upon a time? Lose your mind, find yourself…

This to shall pass

God has a plan, everything that happens to us is for the best, god doesn’t give us any more then we can handle… the sayings go on and on and I believe it all. I really do I must say it because it’s true. I believe it and I believe it when things are good and when things are bad.

Maybe I should start at the beginning. I haven’t written much in the last two weeks primarily because I had been prepping for the biggest job interview of my life and I didn’t want to write about it, didn’t want to raise my hopes, didn’t want to get ahead of myself. So I kept my silence.

Now my silence is over.

I walked into the same office I’ve been working at for the last four months, and nailed the interview. Never in my life have I hit an interview like I did this one. It was the biggest interview of my life, and I hit the ball out of the park. I was told by the interviewer afterwards that none of the other candidates were even in the same league as me. So the job was mine… conditionally... with the economy as it is there were some issues of funding that needed to be worked out, but my position was described as ‘pivotal’ to my department so I thought I was safe.

I wasn’t.

No one is right now, no one feels safe so I tried not to celebrate until the offer was in my hands and my signature was on it.

It seemed too good to be true.

On Monday morning I walked into the office, I spent the weekend trying not to celebrate but I could’t help but celebrate a little. I mean this was it for me! I was going to find an apartment; I was going to reclaim the life I gave up over a year and a half ago when I left for Israel. This was the lynch pin that held together my hopes and dreams for the future. I could move on with other plans like meeting a girl, learning more Torah, having a hopping social life.

Gone

Just like that. Gary the HR guy who has been very, very good to me throughout the process walked up to me looking grim. He sat me down and explained the situation: the funding for my position disappeared, changes were coming, and the Union wouldn’t allow them to bend the rules for me so they could keep me (something both my boss and he desperately want to do). This dream is over for now, its time to start thinking of a new one.

There are other things to, I don’t need to get into them, but if I wasn’t anti-union before you can bet I am now. Because of a union someone less competent at their job will get to stay and I must go. Anger bubbles up inside me like acid. It threatens to consume me.

I won’t let it.

How can I really? I have gotten so much from this experience, it’s changed me in dramatic ways, I proved myself, I found a place for myself, I found a direction. This time when I go looking for a job I'll at least know what I want out of a job. I'll know what I'm looking for, I've never had that before.

None of this makes my current situation any better. But I learned a long time ago and I keep re-learning that you cannot control what happens to you. All you can do is control how you react to it. So that’s what I’m doing.

This doesn’t make it any easier to deal with; in some ways it makes it worse. I kind of wish I could just say F*** it!! None of this means anything, its all for nothing.

But I cannot, I know better now. I wrote about this when I separated my shoulder at the Dead Sea and went though a terrifying experience. I dealt with that situation the same way I’m dealing with this one. By reminding myself that god is his infinite wisdom has put me in this position, that god believes in me, that god knows that I can get though this.

I say this because I believe it, I know it to be true, it’s a part of me as much as anything else is. It’s as real as anything I have ever experienced.

Even if this sucks... even if I feel a pit in my stomach that won’t easily go away.

גם זה יעבור‎‎: gam zeh yaavor: This to shall pass – King Solomon.

Man's Search For Meaning

I got these quotes from a book I'm reading by Viktor Frankl with the title above, its about the Holocaust experience and a facinating read:

The salvation of man is through love and in love.

Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear picture of it. - B. Spinoza

He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how. - Nietzsche

Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.

What you have experienced no power on Earth can take from you.

Good Shabbas!!

Decisions

“God leads man where he desires to go”

“The search for god is the search for oneself”

I’ve been thinking about decision making lately, about how we ultimately dictate our own lives by the decisions we make, by the avenues that we pursue. This weekend I had a great Shabbat it was just a super fun, fantastic time. I agreed to take a look at Washington Heights with a friend I made in Israel, he thought it might be a good place to live, I was skeptical, its way, way up town, it’s close to the Bronx and I never imagined myself living there and yet it was a great time. The area fascinated me, it’s so young and religious and vibrant and yes it suffers from all the issues associated with religious communities. When I got home late Saturday morning I had to face the music, I liked it up there, I’m god willing going to move up there and maybe worst of all, I might be happy up there, yikes! So I had to let an old friend know because I and he had talked about living together and now that I had come to this conclusion I knew that I had just made the decision not to live with him. No way would he go for this. So I told him and I’m happy our friendship is strong enough that he took it well and wished me luck and told me he wanted me to be happy and I should do what I thought would make me happy.

This got me thinking, I get offers from this friend once a month or so. He calls me up and says “Hey some friends and I are going out to some club or bar in the city tonight… you should come.” Usually I decline because, well I just do. Yet when this other friend calls me up and says “Hey I’m spending Shabbat in the Heights this weekend, want in?” I jump at it, rearranging other plans so that I can do this. I don’t think I’ve ever done that for the first option. Realizing this makes me think about just how much our own decisions matter. After all I could have chosen differently. But I made my decision, and I continuing making it ever single day. It’s been this way right from the start.

First I went on birthright (a decision heavily encouraged by my mother), had an experience or two and came home and started to learn. I was the one who went to the book store and spent my (okay my parents) money on books. I was the one who looked for a local rabbi who I could talk to. I was the one who accepted his offers to come over for lunch on Shabbat. I was the one who asked him to give me something I could do everyday (it all started with saying the Shema). I was the one who first mentioned to him that I wanted to wrap teffilin. I was the one who used and continues to use it everyday. I was the one who made the decision to move to a Jewish neighborhood. I was the one who lost my job and took it as a sign from Hashem to go to Israel. I was the one who extended my stay for seven months longer then originally planed.

Am I making my point? It’s always been my decision and every single day I continue to make the decision to have god in my life, to talk with him, to do his work (as best as I know how), to follow his commandments (getting there). My parents used to talk about how the rabbis I knew were pursuing me, how it was all part of some plan on their part to ‘get’ me. But I was the one who kept asking questions. I was the one who pursued them, not the other way around.

We all like to blame others for the decisions we make, we all like to pretend that we’re somehow not responsible for our own decisions and actions. This is false, I struggle with my Torah, I struggle and I struggle and I struggle. But ultimately it really turns me on. It gets my brain going, I could easily make the decision to go out with my friends instead of going to a lecture, or whatever the decision is and sometimes I do. But in the end the decisions are mine based on what I like and I like this Torah business.

It took a long time for me to admit. It felt in many ways for me like coming out of the closet (I would imagine, not having actual first hand experience in this matter) to be able to stand up and say yes I believe in god, yes I think the Torah is the truth, yes I’m going to continue pursuing this until I get some answers that make sense to me. But I’ve made my peace with some of these things and everyday I remake the decision to continue. These are my decisions because I’ve searched for them, because I desire to continue and that’s what I’ll keep on doing.

Shalom Aleichem

From the JPost 2/10/09

I came across an op-ed written by Shira Kaplan in the Jerusalem post this morning an thought with Israel voting that it was worth posting on the blog. I tried to pick out a quote but I think it needs to be read more or less in its entirely so I'm posting it with the link on the bottom, enjoy:

Consciously or not, Lieberman's campaign slogan "There's no citizenship without loyalty" took on the task of addressing perhaps the most fundamental question emerging from Israel's Declaration of Independence: Can Israel be both a democratic and a Jewish state? Lieberman is quite bluntly suggesting that the answer is a simple no.

'THERE'S NO CITIZENSHIP without loyalty" alludes to the disturbing attempts of Arab-Israeli MKs to defame the State of Israel, while posing a real threat its security in the name of democracy.

Arab-initiated, anti-Israel statements and sentiments have become a daily matter at the Knesset, spearheaded by Arab-Israeli MKs such as Ahmed Tibi and Taleb a-Sanaa. Calls have been repeatedly made at the Knesset to condemn Israel as a "Nazi" and "apartheid" state, while Arab MKs justify the continuation of the armed struggle.

Such expressions were dwarfed by actions taken to proactively sabotage Israel's security. MK Azmi Bishara, for example, was accused by the Shin Bet (Israel Security Agency) in 2007 of advising Hizbullah where to aim the Katyusha rockets during the Second Lebanon War. In exchange, Bishara was offered hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Now imagine what would be the fate of a congressman who called for the death of America from his congressional seat, or told Osama bin Laden where to carry out the next 9/11.

LIEBERMAN'S CAMPAIGN is bold to the extent that it fearlessly confronts the toughest philosophical questions posed by Israel's founding fathers, much like Obama did in the States.

While Israel's Declaration of Independence does not straightforwardly address the question of Arab-Israeli loyalty to the state, it does leave clouded the precise nature it should adopt - a true democracy or a plain state of the Jews.

The declaration essentially suggests that a mélange of both identities - Jewish and democratic - is reasonably attainable. It suggests no recipe, however, as to what to do if the combination turns out to be incongruent.

Lieberman's campaign is brilliant to the extent that it pioneers a notion that no one else had dared to address. That is, there's something fundamentally problematic in running both a Jewish and a democratic state.

Lieberman implies that perhaps there is something essentially oxymoronic, or self-contradictory, in such a vision.

Recognizing that Israel is a Jewish state places the Jews by definition before anyone else on the ladder of civil and religious rights, despite any attempts to claim otherwise. This, to me, seems like a rather undemocratic thing to do. It's much like suggesting that America should be both Christian and democratic.

Lieberman's campaign may be alarming to Jewish liberals (let alone to Israel's Arab neighbors), to the extent that he has managed to rally around him masses of Israeli (and not just Russian-born) youths calling "Death to the Arabs." Lieberman admittedly boasts of opinions that are racist, and some would say even fascist.

"Consciously or not, Lieberman's campaign slogan "There's no citizenship without loyalty" took on the task of addressing perhaps the most fundamental question emerging from Israel's Declaration of Independence: Can Israel be both a democratic and a Jewish state? Lieberman is quite bluntly suggesting that the answer is a simple no. "

http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1233304731228&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull

Start each verse with something to quote

Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while you just might miss it. - Ferris Bueller

I start with a quote from the master; there are few observations more poignant then the one above. I feel like I'm growing up and getting older and you want to know something? Its not so bad, actually its pretty freaking sweet. There are plenty of things that aren't so much fun about it but all in all, I'm enjoying myself. Lately I've been trying to lay down some plans for the future something people who know me know that I am no great fan of doing. But its time and it’s necessary. For the last month or so I've been contemplating my next move and thinking about what that means for me. What it means is that I will be putting down some roots, committing myself to a life and giving up on the idea of traveling more in the immediate future. It means committing myself to my job and the furtherance of my career. It means growing up and acting like an adult.

Its time.

I never would have thought I'd even think like this. I never would have expected myself to be excited about settling, I always thought the whole point of life was to never settle for anything to always be restless. But I realize more and more that’s false, or at least I could never be happy thinking / living that way. At some point I must decide, I must be willing to make a decision to forget about something’s and focus on others. I realize of course that I've already made decisions like this millions and millions of times. But it feels different now. Because now I'm not just talking about what activities I should spend my time doing or what party I should go to Saturday night, or whatever. Now I'm talking about setting the foundation for a family, for a career, for a life.

Its time.

I find that I feel so many ways about this, I can not possibly be old enough, yet I know that I am. I know that this is right; I know that this is true. But that does not stop me from being scared about it. I’ve spoken with many people and when they ask me about my plans I mention how I’ve been thinking about this. I mention that there is a little part of me that just wants to pick up and move again. To go somewhere else, to do something else and yet there’s also another voice one that’s getting stronger as time go on that jumps in and yells at me ‘WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END??' My dad tells me that is his voice inside my head, but it’s also mine, or maybe its both I don’t know. I just know, its time. I end the way I started with another quote by another great:

There is no such thing as freedom, but sometimes you get to choose your master. – Orson Scott Card

By the grace of god

I’ve come to accept that much of my life is out of my control; this wasn’t a flash of insight, more like a gradual awakening of my consciousness as I’ve matured as a human being. We’re all such control freaks every single one of us desperately clinging to false realities that we’ve created for ourselves. Like the notion that we have control (we don’t) or the notion that we can outrun death (we can’t) or the notion that we can actually plan for anything (sorry). Now this should not prevent one from attempting to do so. After all this is one of life’s great paradoxes we have no control and yet we must act like we do. We must commit to decisions, we must plan for the future if we don’t then we’ll do nothing. We must act like there is a greater meaning even if there isn’t one. Why must we do this? Because our lives are worth something, or lives have meaning if only because demand that they do so. So we must plan, we must dream and explore and live fully, yet we must be willing to concede that so much is not up to us.

Its like I was telling my mom recently, I’ve been attempting to make a move; I’m still waiting for a few things to settle down before I do, but that’s the plan for now anyway. I’ve been looking around the city checking out different neighborhoods and whatnot and mom mother seems to think because I’m looking around that that means I’m going to go live in the ghetto somewhere, which obviously scares her. To which I told her that I have intention of living some place where I feel unsafe. But my definition of safe and hers might be different, that my definition of what is a nice place to live and hers might be different (they are). Her response being that she doesn’t want something bad to happen to me, which to be honest I am not in favor of either.

That being said I accept that there exists a level of risk to everything that I do and I’ve made peace with that. I had to before I left for Israel. It’s not a death wish, it’s not a desire to put myself in harms way, what it is, is an acceptance of my lack of control. I accept this, I even rejoice in it if only because otherwise I might despair in it. So I’ve made a decision to embrace this aspect of life. If only because I have no other choice; I accept that which I must and choose to live in spite of it. As we all must.

Knowing vs. Doing vs. Being

The difference between knowing and doing can be a fragile line, it’s easy to understand a complex idea. It is easy to digest pseudo-Buddha ideas like, judge everyone favorably or whatever your mantra might be. Just in case you were wondering that’s mine. Judge everyone favorably. I find I most often repeat it to myself in the car on my way home. After working for seven or eight hours and sitting on the train for four more by the end of the day I’m spend all I want to do is get home and eat some dinner. So when someone does something stupid on the road it is very easy to let my emotions get carried away and start cursing the idiot in front of me. That is precisely when I start repeating to myself, judge favorably, judge favorably, maybe the guy had a bad day, maybe his wife is sick, maybe, maybe, maybe…

Usually this works for me, usually I can calm myself down enough to realize the BS I had just been feeding myself is actually true. Because it is, I can’t know what is going on with that guy; I can not possibly hope to understand him. Although I do feel that I can judge him in that moment and that is just plain wrong, I can not judge him because I do not know what its like to be him. Before you start thinking well then we can’t judge anybody might as well let rapists and murders free because how could we know what they thought about what they were doing? To which I would say we have to agree that something’s regardless of intent are wrong. Mostly what I’m getting out is the daily annoyances, the little things that cause us to lose our cool. This is not a large over reaching philosophy this is about the day in and day out of existence, and today I need to remind myself of just that.

I want to get to a point where I can change my mantra where I can get beyond the idea that I should be judging everyone favorably and just do it. The same way we train ourselves for a physical competition I have been trying to train my mind for a mental competition called: life. Because you know something? Life is only bound to get harder and more complicated as I go along; at least if it follows the current trend and if I could I’d like to keep myself mentally elastic enough to deal with it. I would like to be able to get past judge everyone favorably and move on to another idea that I need help with and there are many. But for now I’m stuck with judge favorably. So today when all else fails I repeat to myself, judge favorably, judge favorably…