By the grace of god

I’ve come to accept that much of my life is out of my control; this wasn’t a flash of insight, more like a gradual awakening of my consciousness as I’ve matured as a human being. We’re all such control freaks every single one of us desperately clinging to false realities that we’ve created for ourselves. Like the notion that we have control (we don’t) or the notion that we can outrun death (we can’t) or the notion that we can actually plan for anything (sorry). Now this should not prevent one from attempting to do so. After all this is one of life’s great paradoxes we have no control and yet we must act like we do. We must commit to decisions, we must plan for the future if we don’t then we’ll do nothing. We must act like there is a greater meaning even if there isn’t one. Why must we do this? Because our lives are worth something, or lives have meaning if only because demand that they do so. So we must plan, we must dream and explore and live fully, yet we must be willing to concede that so much is not up to us.

Its like I was telling my mom recently, I’ve been attempting to make a move; I’m still waiting for a few things to settle down before I do, but that’s the plan for now anyway. I’ve been looking around the city checking out different neighborhoods and whatnot and mom mother seems to think because I’m looking around that that means I’m going to go live in the ghetto somewhere, which obviously scares her. To which I told her that I have intention of living some place where I feel unsafe. But my definition of safe and hers might be different, that my definition of what is a nice place to live and hers might be different (they are). Her response being that she doesn’t want something bad to happen to me, which to be honest I am not in favor of either.

That being said I accept that there exists a level of risk to everything that I do and I’ve made peace with that. I had to before I left for Israel. It’s not a death wish, it’s not a desire to put myself in harms way, what it is, is an acceptance of my lack of control. I accept this, I even rejoice in it if only because otherwise I might despair in it. So I’ve made a decision to embrace this aspect of life. If only because I have no other choice; I accept that which I must and choose to live in spite of it. As we all must.