This to shall pass

God has a plan, everything that happens to us is for the best, god doesn’t give us any more then we can handle… the sayings go on and on and I believe it all. I really do I must say it because it’s true. I believe it and I believe it when things are good and when things are bad.

Maybe I should start at the beginning. I haven’t written much in the last two weeks primarily because I had been prepping for the biggest job interview of my life and I didn’t want to write about it, didn’t want to raise my hopes, didn’t want to get ahead of myself. So I kept my silence.

Now my silence is over.

I walked into the same office I’ve been working at for the last four months, and nailed the interview. Never in my life have I hit an interview like I did this one. It was the biggest interview of my life, and I hit the ball out of the park. I was told by the interviewer afterwards that none of the other candidates were even in the same league as me. So the job was mine… conditionally... with the economy as it is there were some issues of funding that needed to be worked out, but my position was described as ‘pivotal’ to my department so I thought I was safe.

I wasn’t.

No one is right now, no one feels safe so I tried not to celebrate until the offer was in my hands and my signature was on it.

It seemed too good to be true.

On Monday morning I walked into the office, I spent the weekend trying not to celebrate but I could’t help but celebrate a little. I mean this was it for me! I was going to find an apartment; I was going to reclaim the life I gave up over a year and a half ago when I left for Israel. This was the lynch pin that held together my hopes and dreams for the future. I could move on with other plans like meeting a girl, learning more Torah, having a hopping social life.

Gone

Just like that. Gary the HR guy who has been very, very good to me throughout the process walked up to me looking grim. He sat me down and explained the situation: the funding for my position disappeared, changes were coming, and the Union wouldn’t allow them to bend the rules for me so they could keep me (something both my boss and he desperately want to do). This dream is over for now, its time to start thinking of a new one.

There are other things to, I don’t need to get into them, but if I wasn’t anti-union before you can bet I am now. Because of a union someone less competent at their job will get to stay and I must go. Anger bubbles up inside me like acid. It threatens to consume me.

I won’t let it.

How can I really? I have gotten so much from this experience, it’s changed me in dramatic ways, I proved myself, I found a place for myself, I found a direction. This time when I go looking for a job I'll at least know what I want out of a job. I'll know what I'm looking for, I've never had that before.

None of this makes my current situation any better. But I learned a long time ago and I keep re-learning that you cannot control what happens to you. All you can do is control how you react to it. So that’s what I’m doing.

This doesn’t make it any easier to deal with; in some ways it makes it worse. I kind of wish I could just say F*** it!! None of this means anything, its all for nothing.

But I cannot, I know better now. I wrote about this when I separated my shoulder at the Dead Sea and went though a terrifying experience. I dealt with that situation the same way I’m dealing with this one. By reminding myself that god is his infinite wisdom has put me in this position, that god believes in me, that god knows that I can get though this.

I say this because I believe it, I know it to be true, it’s a part of me as much as anything else is. It’s as real as anything I have ever experienced.

Even if this sucks... even if I feel a pit in my stomach that won’t easily go away.

גם זה יעבור‎‎: gam zeh yaavor: This to shall pass – King Solomon.