Conforming

On Sunday I did something unprecedented, I made a deliberate decision to be more like the community I’m in.

I didn’t think about it until afterwards, it wasn’t on purpose. I went out and bought a tallis. I specifically wanted one that was just like the ones I see the men at the Kollel where I’ve been learning and davening wear.

It’s just your standard white with black stripes. But that’s not the point the point is that I could have gotten an all white one, or one with more color, they come in a variety of shapes and sizes. But what I went for was the standard orthodox one. I’ve really never done that before. I certainly have plenty of Jewish paraphernalia; some of it is very frum looking. But it’s not the thing itself it’s the intention behind it.

I want to be just like everyone around me in this case. I want people to look at me wearing my new tallis, which is beautiful and which I love wearing while I’m praying and make that association.

It’s a mitzvah that I now feel ready for. I remember putting one on for the first time feeling so awkward, I didn’t know how the wrap it around my shoulders, every time I moved it slid off. I was so confused with the ‘service’, I’m putting it in quotations because if you’ve ever walked into an orthodox shul you wouldn’t think of it as a service, everyone’s off doing their own thing, occasionally responding in unison to a Kaddish, or bring out the Torah. I could not keep my attention on my prayer. Now I wake up and throw it on, I wrap my tefillin and go though my morning routine. It’s so comfortable, so natural.

I’ve noticed that lately not just with my new tallis but in general. I started learning Gemara this week as well, after struggling though reading it the entire time I was in Jerusalem. Dreading when it was my turn to read after a while I didn’t even want to do it anymore. This time? I opened the book and started to read, yes I stumbled over words, and yes I had to take my time over some passages correcting pronunciation. But I did it, I just read it, and I’ve noticed in general that my Hebrew is starting to click now, slowly but surely this ancient, almost dead but now fully alive language is opening its secrets to me.

It’s a great feeling, and I’m not surprised. I know that without a good working knowledge of Hebrew I’ll never really feel like part of the community. So it’s no surprise that as I get more comfortable in my Hebrew I’m beginning to feel more connected to the community and vice versa.

I’m excited now about learning more, praying with the Kollel on Shabbat with my new tallis, looking just a tiny bit like the men that surround me. Often we spend our lives running away from what is best for us, only to stop one day and realize that which is best for us is that what we feared.

I am no longer afraid.

What I am is a sometimes struggling, confused, sometimes confident and clear Jew in the making and I LOVE my new tallis.

Shabbat Shalom.