How many miles must we march

Moving on and moving forward, it’s so very hard sometimes. I find that as time moves on I increasingly find myself suspended between two worlds. I notice this when I go home most acutely. I feel like every time I go home after an extended time away there is an increasing feeling of alienation. I to a great extent no longer live in the same world as them, which is scary.

I do my best, to talk about ‘middle ground’ and yet I can’t help but see that ground disappearing. I know logically that it will never disappear entirely yet it’s no longer as large as it once was. I suppose that its natural, as a child grows up he/she grows away from their family. Eventually they create a family of their own, and with each generation ideas shift, every snowflake is different, every person seeks meaning, truth, beauty in their own ways.

I know I certainly have, but it’s just a little tiring, feeling like I’m going to be spending the rest of time explaining myself and my decisions to those who I love. It cannot be helped, it cannot be stopped. Ultimately I have to life with myself all the time; they only have to live with me for a few hours at a time.

But I’ve never been the type to keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself, and when I hear an idea that is antithetical to my own beliefs, to my own sense of what is correct, I want to say something about it. I want to challenge the other person to a debate of ideas. I want the person to engage me in debate and conversation. I want to give that person a different way of viewing the subject and I want that person to do the same to me.

I like that sort of debate, I like a challenge put in front of me. I like it when other people insult me and put me on the spot. It turns me on; it gets my creative juices flowing, in a relentless quest for truth. Yet not everyone desires what I desire and it can be tricky to separate emotions from arguments and debates. Especially when we’re talking about things that dictate the way on chooses to live one’s life.

As you might imagine when I was home this weekend I got caught up in a debate with my Aunt about the merits (or lack thereof) of the reformation of Judaism. The thing for me is simple; I was never given anything from Synagogue growing up. It didn’t speak to me, I could never figure out the point of it. I always felt that there was something worthwhile to be had out of my heritage, it came out of me in weird ways, like the idea that Am Israel could not be killed we were histories ultimate survivors, we were at the heart of every great empire. Yet whenever I heard the Rabbi speak I felt nothing, I couldn’t understand what made us unique while he was prattling on about abortion, or the upcoming election, or whatever the notable issue of the moment was.

So I read, I explored the world, I felt by the end of college that I had a solid philosophy worked out for myself, yet still I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was missing something. When I went on Birthright and experienced the beauty of Friday night at the Kotel, when I was engaged by learned Torah students. I knew that there was something to my people then I had ever known.

Reform never gave me that, reform said to me; it’s okay to be just like everyone else. We don’t need the things that make us different. The Judaism I was given said, yes we’re all the same, but we’re all also very different, and that too is ok. So let’s be different while never forgetting that we all come from the same place that we all are made in the image of god. That resonated with me, that made sense to me and so that is what I gravitated to and that too is okay.

I accept that not everyone will see the world as I do, I don’t expect it to. Yet I do know something fundamental about human nature, which is simply this: we’re all completely convinced that we are right. If I didn't think that I was correct then I would live differently, I would think something else and I’d think that was right. So accept that others believe that they too are correct about the nature of the universe.

What I know is this: the universe is a big dark and mysterious place and we at best know almost nothing about anything. Yet we still must live as though we do and that’s all I’m trying to do, live as I see fit based on what I know.

Am Israel Chai! Am Israel Chai! Am Israel, Am Israel, Am Israel Chai!