I've had a crazy couple of weeks. Right now I'm sitting at work that’s right I'm working. It had been a little over a year since I last worked and it's taking a bit of getting used to. Sitting at a desk all day, waking up at 5:00am since I have to commute from New Jersey, it all feels very weird. So how did all of this come about? After spending a week with a good friend from Israel, I realized that I had a lot of issues to work out.
It all sort of came to a head with me. The whole being back in America, adjusting to my life here, it all hit a breaking point. I’ve realized that I need more time before I really commit to being a religious Jew. I realized that I can learn and grow and do it at a different place then I was. I realized that I need that time to rebuild my life and if I don’t give it to myself I am liable to loose my mind. I realized all this at the end of an intense week with my friend at his place in CT. After building a Sukkot together, shaking the lulav a bunch of times, celebrating Shabbat, Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah I was done, emotionally drained and we started talking and he said something to me that really hit home. He asked me why I hated being Jewish so much. It wasn’t the first time someone has asked me that but this time it really hit home. I do hate the ceremonial tradition, it hate the rules and the minutia of it, it makes me angry and its just impossible for me to be that kind of a Jew right now.
I know that ultimately its not ‘correct’ that according to the halacha its wrong of me to act that way. But at least for now, I just can’t help it. I want to love what I’m doing. I want to feeling empowered by my spirituality not hindered by it. I have a goal in mind, I have an ideal that’s out there but I’ve realized that I’m just not there yet. I hope and pray that one day I will be strong enough to be but I have to stop pretending that I am.
So did I mention that I’m working right now? Yea at a non-profit dedicated to feeding the world; it’s a very cool place and just what I want to be doing. When I’ve though about what I want to do I’ve realized that it has to be in the non-profit field. That I want to be part of the effort to set the worlds global policies with respect to healing the world, in Judaism it is called Tikkun Olam and it is what I’m doing right now. The funniest part is that it is a Christian organization. So it’s a little weird. Maybe Christianity is idolatry but you know what? A lot of the most important non-profit work in the world is carried out by people of all faiths. Do I fundamentally disagree with theirs? Yes of course I do but that doesn’t mean I can’t work with them to make a better world. Maybe this to is a contradiction of interests. But why should this be any different then the rest of my life? Oh the tangled webs we weave… for now I’m going to enjoy myself in all my confusion. Shalom Alechem (peace be unto you) from beautiful and cold New York City.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Obsession
Obsession: Read this article and then if you want check out the website. The thing that makes this so difficult for me is that I spent so much time at Aish. I feel as though they gave me something valuable and precious. I will never underestimate or try to minimize their impact on my life. But what they have done with this movie is just despicable. They of course take no credit for this movie which is trying to swing a election. They take no credit because Aish supposedly is not a political organization. Which I agree with religion is political enough without the organizations themselves explicitly being political. Which Aish has done here, of course they are allowed to believe and say whatever they want. That's their right, but if your going to realize a video like this at least step up and take responsibility for it. Here's the best quote from the article:
"Aish HaTorah, which is just about the most fundamentalist movement in Judaism today. Its operatives flourish in the radical belt of Jewish settlements just south of Nablus, in the northern West Bank, and their outposts across the world propagandize on behalf of a particularly sterile, sexist and revanchist brand of Judaism. Which is amusing, of course, because "Obsession" is meant to expose a particularly sterile, sexist and racist brand of Islam."
"Aish HaTorah, which is just about the most fundamentalist movement in Judaism today. Its operatives flourish in the radical belt of Jewish settlements just south of Nablus, in the northern West Bank, and their outposts across the world propagandize on behalf of a particularly sterile, sexist and revanchist brand of Judaism. Which is amusing, of course, because "Obsession" is meant to expose a particularly sterile, sexist and racist brand of Islam."
Monday, October 27, 2008
Two Months
October is drawing swiftly to a close and I can hardly believe it. Has it really been two months since I've been home? Last week I spent with a very close friend I met in Israel. It was very weird, since coming home the two of us have gone in different directions, both of us have thought a lot and dealt with a lot and started to make our way though our experiences. And thats a good thing. In many ways I've struggled with things I thought I had moved beyond since I've gotten home. On the other hand it has taken being here to realize just how far I went and that I was not as secure with decisions I made in Israel as I thought I was, and of course theres still that girl I left behind. She lingers in the back of my head even though I try to push her out of it. I guess we're all haunted by past relationships. It's inevitable especially given the fact that, I'm currently looking for a job, living at home and not really able to move on with my life. All of my goals depend on having an income, I can't move out of here until then. I can not live my life my way without a way to feed myself. Its a very basic thing.
As I was saying I spent the better part of a week with a good friend from Israel. It was great to get away from New Jersey, interview for a job in Boston and get a chance to live Jewishly again for a week. We built a sukkah together, shook the four kinds and engaged in many, many, many discussions about life in America and the transition and the inevitable issues that come up along with it. I don't really know what else to say about the experience except it was exactly what I needed at exactly the time I needed it and once again I found myself in awe of the neatly ordered nature of the universe and gods creation. And so once again I am at home, looking for a job in a terrible job market. I can not pretend that I'm finding it an easy experience, I'm not. But after a week like the one I had, I do know that I will survive this experience. That given time and patience I'll be a better person for my time spent in exile.
I dreamed the most vivid dream about Jerusalem the other day. I thought about the way the sun hits the golden stones in the old city the way it seems to shimmer right before sunset. About the crowds of people, who throng in every day to see a piece of their heritage. Because Jerusalem belongs to the world, it is one of those unique places in the world that truly belongs to every single person. I think about it and I miss it. I think about the famous quotation from Psalm 137(I had to look it up) : If I forget you, O Jerusalem, May my right hand forget her skill. I think about what that means. Literally I have to believe it means that should I forget Jerusalem, my right hand will forget how to tie my teffilin. That is a powerful message, if I forget about my people, my land, my heritage my hands will forget how to / to wear my teffilin. For me this was the first mitzvah that I took on. When boys turn 13 and begin to enter the community properly as men it is the first thing they do. This is a serious thing. I don't know its what I think about when I think about this passage and it means a great deal to me. I'll end here for now. Shalom.
As I was saying I spent the better part of a week with a good friend from Israel. It was great to get away from New Jersey, interview for a job in Boston and get a chance to live Jewishly again for a week. We built a sukkah together, shook the four kinds and engaged in many, many, many discussions about life in America and the transition and the inevitable issues that come up along with it. I don't really know what else to say about the experience except it was exactly what I needed at exactly the time I needed it and once again I found myself in awe of the neatly ordered nature of the universe and gods creation. And so once again I am at home, looking for a job in a terrible job market. I can not pretend that I'm finding it an easy experience, I'm not. But after a week like the one I had, I do know that I will survive this experience. That given time and patience I'll be a better person for my time spent in exile.
I dreamed the most vivid dream about Jerusalem the other day. I thought about the way the sun hits the golden stones in the old city the way it seems to shimmer right before sunset. About the crowds of people, who throng in every day to see a piece of their heritage. Because Jerusalem belongs to the world, it is one of those unique places in the world that truly belongs to every single person. I think about it and I miss it. I think about the famous quotation from Psalm 137(I had to look it up) : If I forget you, O Jerusalem, May my right hand forget her skill. I think about what that means. Literally I have to believe it means that should I forget Jerusalem, my right hand will forget how to tie my teffilin. That is a powerful message, if I forget about my people, my land, my heritage my hands will forget how to / to wear my teffilin. For me this was the first mitzvah that I took on. When boys turn 13 and begin to enter the community properly as men it is the first thing they do. This is a serious thing. I don't know its what I think about when I think about this passage and it means a great deal to me. I'll end here for now. Shalom.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Four Kinds
I have a confession to make: I didn't build a sukkah this year. Truth be told I really only thought about it today and now its to late. And I'm a bit upset with myself. Sukkot is about togetherness, its about the interconnectedness of everyone and everything. It reminds us that we as human beings come in an infinite number of shapes and sizes and colors but we're all in this crazy mess together. Its weird I feel bad right now, knowing I didn't made any effort for the holiday this year. It's only now that its right on top of me that I've thought of any of this at all. But thats okay, I'm still so new at all this. I never grew up with any or it and right now I'm in exile. Last year I didn't do anything for it I was to busy getting ready to leave for Israel, the year before that I had a wonderful Shabbat meal in a sukkah in Long Beach, Long Island. It was one of those moments for me. I spent the entire meal talking with the Chabbad Rabbi about the nature of reality and our reality as Jews. It was one of those moments that lead me to where I am today.
But now this year, I've got nothing. I should have planned better, but I didn't. And I'm finding myself both agitated over this and also strangely fine with it. I've been thinking about it and I think it comes down to this. I'm tired of intruding on other peoples holidays. I'm sick of calling people up for Shabbat plans, I'm tired of spending every holiday away from my own space. I'm just sick of intruding on other peoples plans. I want to have my own life, my own community and for right now its just not there. It doesn't exist for me, and that kind of stinks. But its just the reality of the situation. The other reality is also that the last few years while I had a more active / participatory holiday. I didn't understand that what I was doing. Now this year I'm so much more in tune with what it all means and why we do it. Which is amazing. I never could have imagined that I would ever flow with the cycles of the Jewish year.
I want to share a Midrash(commentary) on Sukkot. Besides building a structure and eating in it we are also commanded to shake four materials together during the week, why do we do this? The Midrash says:
But now this year, I've got nothing. I should have planned better, but I didn't. And I'm finding myself both agitated over this and also strangely fine with it. I've been thinking about it and I think it comes down to this. I'm tired of intruding on other peoples holidays. I'm sick of calling people up for Shabbat plans, I'm tired of spending every holiday away from my own space. I'm just sick of intruding on other peoples plans. I want to have my own life, my own community and for right now its just not there. It doesn't exist for me, and that kind of stinks. But its just the reality of the situation. The other reality is also that the last few years while I had a more active / participatory holiday. I didn't understand that what I was doing. Now this year I'm so much more in tune with what it all means and why we do it. Which is amazing. I never could have imagined that I would ever flow with the cycles of the Jewish year.
I want to share a Midrash(commentary) on Sukkot. Besides building a structure and eating in it we are also commanded to shake four materials together during the week, why do we do this? The Midrash says:
The etrog has both a taste and an aroma; so, too, do the people of Israel include individuals who have both Torah learning and good deeds.... The date (the fruit of the lulav) has a taste but does not have an aroma; so, too, do the people of Israel include individuals who have Torah but do not have good deeds.... The hadas has an aroma but not a taste; so, too, do the people of Israel include individuals who have good deeds but do not have Torah.... The aravah has no taste and no aroma; so, too, do the people of Israel include individuals who do not have Torah and do not have good deeds.... Says G-d: "Let them all bond together in one bundle and atone for each other."
The four materials remind us of the interconnectedness of the world and individuals, we all play a role, we are at times all of the materials. And we all matter.Monday, October 13, 2008
Atonement
Fasting is never an easy experience, and Yom Kippur is the hardest of them all. Judaism has many fast days throughout the year. I fasted on the fast of Ester before Purim, I fasted on Tisha b'Av to mourn the loss of the Temple. I fasted on many days this year but none was harder the Yom Kippur. Maybe it was simply the length of the fast. On Yom Kippur we fast for 26 hours(sun down to sun down) where as on the others we generally only go for 12 hours (thats sun up to sun down) but I don't think thats it. I think what it is, is on this day we're completing a cycle of redemption. On the High Holidays its not just Israel thats being atoned for, its the whole world. Goyim (thats the other nations) are also being redeemed, its so much greater then just ourselves.
Thats a heavy thought, or it was for me this year. And for whatever reason I had such a difficult time with it this year. I don't know what it was but I tossed and turned the whole night. I kept dreaming that the holiday was over and that I was stuffing my face with delicious food. Only to wake up and realize it was 3:30 am. I woke up over and over and over again. I can't remember a time when I slept more fitfully. And I kept dreaming about the one thing that I knew I wasn't getting, when I finally got out of bed at 8:00 am I was already craving food and water. I had been dreaming about it all night. I got over it, I went to shul like a good Yid, I tried to relax and take a nap. I failed. But I tried. At one point as I was getting ready to head back to shul for Ne'ilah I saw a granola bar I had in my backpack, I can't even describe my how my desire peaked at that moment. How strong was desire for it was.
When at long last the sun began to set we davened the Ne'ilah service. This was my first time ever doing it, usually being to drained and grumpy to want any part of it. But this year it felt important and so I did it. It begins with the opening of the Ark where the Torah scrolls are held. It stays open for the whole service which means that one must do everything they can to stay standing through the service. I resolved to do this despite my light headedness. In the end it was a very moving experience for me, at one point I thought I might collapse and came very close to sitting down and stopping my prayers. But I resolved to do so despite the personal cost. And I thought this summed up the day and maybe even the year for me. I despite what everything around me indicated chose to do something difficult, something uncomfortable. I saw it though to the end. I know that it journey I took, wasn't easy and now being home is just as hard. I've been forced to battle against the whole world and myself. Against my better judgment because I felt that there would be a pay off that I just couldn't imagine at that moment. And I was right as the Ark was closed and food and drink were consumed. Life flowed back into my body. My head stopped pounding. It was a good day, it was a good year. I hope that everyone had an easy and productive fast. I hope that on that day some bit of peace was found. And it is my most sincere desire that we use what we found on that day and the ten days before to move ahead with our years. Enough for now. While my feet are in the diaspora my heart is always in Eretz Israel, Shalom Alechem.
Thats a heavy thought, or it was for me this year. And for whatever reason I had such a difficult time with it this year. I don't know what it was but I tossed and turned the whole night. I kept dreaming that the holiday was over and that I was stuffing my face with delicious food. Only to wake up and realize it was 3:30 am. I woke up over and over and over again. I can't remember a time when I slept more fitfully. And I kept dreaming about the one thing that I knew I wasn't getting, when I finally got out of bed at 8:00 am I was already craving food and water. I had been dreaming about it all night. I got over it, I went to shul like a good Yid, I tried to relax and take a nap. I failed. But I tried. At one point as I was getting ready to head back to shul for Ne'ilah I saw a granola bar I had in my backpack, I can't even describe my how my desire peaked at that moment. How strong was desire for it was.
When at long last the sun began to set we davened the Ne'ilah service. This was my first time ever doing it, usually being to drained and grumpy to want any part of it. But this year it felt important and so I did it. It begins with the opening of the Ark where the Torah scrolls are held. It stays open for the whole service which means that one must do everything they can to stay standing through the service. I resolved to do this despite my light headedness. In the end it was a very moving experience for me, at one point I thought I might collapse and came very close to sitting down and stopping my prayers. But I resolved to do so despite the personal cost. And I thought this summed up the day and maybe even the year for me. I despite what everything around me indicated chose to do something difficult, something uncomfortable. I saw it though to the end. I know that it journey I took, wasn't easy and now being home is just as hard. I've been forced to battle against the whole world and myself. Against my better judgment because I felt that there would be a pay off that I just couldn't imagine at that moment. And I was right as the Ark was closed and food and drink were consumed. Life flowed back into my body. My head stopped pounding. It was a good day, it was a good year. I hope that everyone had an easy and productive fast. I hope that on that day some bit of peace was found. And it is my most sincere desire that we use what we found on that day and the ten days before to move ahead with our years. Enough for now. While my feet are in the diaspora my heart is always in Eretz Israel, Shalom Alechem.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Discarding the Void
Words of wisdom from the Rebba:
Life is true, every step of it is G-dly. Only the emptiness is false.
There are paths we wish we never traveled; decisions we wish we never took; actions that we wrestle to tear out of our memory, rip out of our hearts with agony and remorse.
But it is never life that we reject. Life has meaning, life is good -- not a moment of it can exist without a spark of truth throbbing somewhere within. Including that moment you regret. In fact, life’s most precious diamonds are hidden in the shadows -- or even buried deep below the mud.
In the end, we reject an ephemeron, a thing that never was. Not life, but its shadow. Not the jewel, but the mud. An absence: that the light-portals of heaven closed when you did what you did. Wash away that void with tears -- there remains only a precious moment of life rescued from the deep earth.
From the wisdom of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Schneerson, of righteous memory; words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman.
Life is true, every step of it is G-dly. Only the emptiness is false.
There are paths we wish we never traveled; decisions we wish we never took; actions that we wrestle to tear out of our memory, rip out of our hearts with agony and remorse.
But it is never life that we reject. Life has meaning, life is good -- not a moment of it can exist without a spark of truth throbbing somewhere within. Including that moment you regret. In fact, life’s most precious diamonds are hidden in the shadows -- or even buried deep below the mud.
In the end, we reject an ephemeron, a thing that never was. Not life, but its shadow. Not the jewel, but the mud. An absence: that the light-portals of heaven closed when you did what you did. Wash away that void with tears -- there remains only a precious moment of life rescued from the deep earth.
From the wisdom of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Schneerson, of righteous memory; words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Inconsistentcy
Time makes fools of us all, so they say. Who are they and why do they say are questions for another time. I'm being facetious I don't know why exactly but it sounded like a good place to start. I awoke this morning to frost on my window, winter is fast approaching. And with winter signaling its impending arrival, I couldn't help but this about, what? I don't know I thought something might come to me as I was writing that sentence but alas no. But I will not let a topic or lack thereof deter me from my musing this morning.
Yom Kippur approaches, and I've been thinking about atonement and forgiveness not surprisingly. After spending Rosh Hashannah in Monsey, I've had a lot swirling though my head. Monsey the scene of my brief but tumultuous dance with yeshiva round two. Being back there helped me find clarity. It wasn't an easy holiday for me, I felt the weight of it intensely. And I had to escape it wasn't pretty. But life isn't always pretty we at times have to make hard decisions about what is right verses what is comfortable. And those are often the hardest types of decisions. And I was thinking about my year of yeshiva and about my life now, scarcely a month after I got home and how much life has changed and continues to change. Being back at the scene of the crime so to speak, gave me clarity as to why I left in the first place. It comes down to this yeshiva poisoned my brain. I got stuck into one way of thinking, and that scares me. I needed to break free, I had to be honest it was driving me insane. It wasn't healthy for me it made me feel unbalanced. I'm not trying to be dramatic just honest.
I've been reading a wonderful book Gonzo Judaism, its a fascinating read for anyone on a spiritual journey. And while this isn't meant as a book review it did help me find clarity on the yeshiva mentality that I find toxic to my soul. Its the idea of counting mitzvahs as if this one or that one is somehow more important then the other. Its the idea of a one way religion. Whereby one abandons critical analysis and becomes a sponge. It's not a simple idea either. It's nuanced and subtle. But over time as one becomes so immersed in Torah one believes oneself to be doing critical analysis when really all your doing is turning your mind into a sponge. I can do this and I can't to that. Why? Because this commentator brings down this point from this source which agrees with what this other Rabbi brought down from that source and so on. It's deceptive it disguises itself as being critical when all its really doing it working with information that works off of the same set of rules. And so it becomes circular, which is not to say well reasoned. It obviously works within its limited guidelines and rules. But it is none the less limited. And it's not a space I'm comfortable in. It makes sense to me but not for me and thats why I needed to get out, its why I did get out and its why I eventually need to get back in on my own terms. No one else's.
And so now I've been living in exile outside of a community that for better and for worse I am now a part of. I can't and don't want to ever go back to those beautiful but ultimately worthless and inconsistent philosophies of existentialism, secularism, etc. The more time I spend away from a Torah community the more I feel connected to it, the more time I have to see again for the first time what I saw in it. It's contradictory and inconsistent. But maybe thats just it, nothing is ever as consistent as we would like it to be. It is only our decisions that can be consistent. We have the ability to always be consistent with ourselves and thats what matters. All this other stuff. The things that come at us those are the inconsistencies they test our conviction with our own idea of truth. They can set us against ourselves. And they will until we start getting honest with ourselves and then we can't be touched. That's what I'm trying to work on right now, everything else is nonsense.
Yom Kippur approaches, and I've been thinking about atonement and forgiveness not surprisingly. After spending Rosh Hashannah in Monsey, I've had a lot swirling though my head. Monsey the scene of my brief but tumultuous dance with yeshiva round two. Being back there helped me find clarity. It wasn't an easy holiday for me, I felt the weight of it intensely. And I had to escape it wasn't pretty. But life isn't always pretty we at times have to make hard decisions about what is right verses what is comfortable. And those are often the hardest types of decisions. And I was thinking about my year of yeshiva and about my life now, scarcely a month after I got home and how much life has changed and continues to change. Being back at the scene of the crime so to speak, gave me clarity as to why I left in the first place. It comes down to this yeshiva poisoned my brain. I got stuck into one way of thinking, and that scares me. I needed to break free, I had to be honest it was driving me insane. It wasn't healthy for me it made me feel unbalanced. I'm not trying to be dramatic just honest.
I've been reading a wonderful book Gonzo Judaism, its a fascinating read for anyone on a spiritual journey. And while this isn't meant as a book review it did help me find clarity on the yeshiva mentality that I find toxic to my soul. Its the idea of counting mitzvahs as if this one or that one is somehow more important then the other. Its the idea of a one way religion. Whereby one abandons critical analysis and becomes a sponge. It's not a simple idea either. It's nuanced and subtle. But over time as one becomes so immersed in Torah one believes oneself to be doing critical analysis when really all your doing is turning your mind into a sponge. I can do this and I can't to that. Why? Because this commentator brings down this point from this source which agrees with what this other Rabbi brought down from that source and so on. It's deceptive it disguises itself as being critical when all its really doing it working with information that works off of the same set of rules. And so it becomes circular, which is not to say well reasoned. It obviously works within its limited guidelines and rules. But it is none the less limited. And it's not a space I'm comfortable in. It makes sense to me but not for me and thats why I needed to get out, its why I did get out and its why I eventually need to get back in on my own terms. No one else's.
And so now I've been living in exile outside of a community that for better and for worse I am now a part of. I can't and don't want to ever go back to those beautiful but ultimately worthless and inconsistent philosophies of existentialism, secularism, etc. The more time I spend away from a Torah community the more I feel connected to it, the more time I have to see again for the first time what I saw in it. It's contradictory and inconsistent. But maybe thats just it, nothing is ever as consistent as we would like it to be. It is only our decisions that can be consistent. We have the ability to always be consistent with ourselves and thats what matters. All this other stuff. The things that come at us those are the inconsistencies they test our conviction with our own idea of truth. They can set us against ourselves. And they will until we start getting honest with ourselves and then we can't be touched. That's what I'm trying to work on right now, everything else is nonsense.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Guilt
Jewish guilt, that idea has been floating through my head a lot in the last couple of days. I think its only natural given that we are now in the days of awe. Doing an accounting of our souls, asking forgiveness seems like an appropriate time to examine the idea. I mean how much does guilt play into our lives and our actions. I had a tough Rosh Hashanah I'm not even going to try to hide it, it was amazing really but also very hard to deal with. My soul felt torn it was incredible and natural that this would be the time to lose it. I felt like for a time over the holiday that I was being cast down into the depths and I also felt for a time like I was sitting on the floor next to the throne of heaven. It's what we're supposed to do every time we pray. Imagine ourselves standing directly in front of god talking to him like a friend. I'm not trying to be overly dramatic, thats how it felt to me at that moment as it was happening. And then it was over lost and shattered and gone. And when it was gone I felt utterly alone and empty and broken. And so I fled, its the only thing I knew how to do to just get up and leave and be away. I got on a train while all my friends were sitting down in shul preparing to do it all over again. I walked through New York, I committed sin after sin after sin.
And that got me thinking about the idea of guilt and just how much it drives our actions and how much it defines our lives. I thought about the beginnings of my practice, about the innocence involved about doing things just out of a desire to understand, to connect, to feel something, anything I didn’t even know what. I thought about those days and the lack of guilt about just acting because it felt like the right thing to do, not because I wanted or expected anything. I suppose it’s inevitable to we all look back on our childhood the days before ourselves got in the way of us doing what we just wanted to do. And I think in many ways that’s how a feel now the desire to get back to the days before my action or lack there of inspired anything in me. I feel like Aish in many ways killed the part of me that just loved to worship because it felt right. I just know I want it back and I know I can have it back. It won’t be exactly the same, it never is. Nor would I expect it to be. I thought about how out of place I felt. I didn't feel bad, or guilty really. I just felt out of place. And so I thought a lot about why we act or don't act.
Jewish practice after all is so many, I can do this' and I can't do that's so much is predicated on what I can and can not do. Jews actually brought the idea of moral responsibility into the world. They changed the idea of actions being based less on what my resources and strengths/ weakness all my to do. To the idea that every person has a responsibility beyond themselves to act in a just manner. Now it seems childish but not so in the time of its creation. Jews unsurprisingly brought the idea of guilt into the world. And so it goes. I realized that the interplay between our inner selves between right and wrong are our own because we allow them to define us. And so I made it home no worse for the wear. With a little clarity that came though a lot of guilt. Maybe thats the whole point of our guilt, thought it we relentlessly examine ourselves looking of understanding on our own very often unconscious actions. Our guilt forces us to see within ourselves what is to often hidden, and maybe thats not such a bad thing. Maybe its just what we need. Here is to our days of reflection. May god give us all a little bit of understanding and wisdom in these days of atonement. May we all find a place of peace for the demons that haunt us all. And free ourselves as we prepare to be forgiven.
And that got me thinking about the idea of guilt and just how much it drives our actions and how much it defines our lives. I thought about the beginnings of my practice, about the innocence involved about doing things just out of a desire to understand, to connect, to feel something, anything I didn’t even know what. I thought about those days and the lack of guilt about just acting because it felt like the right thing to do, not because I wanted or expected anything. I suppose it’s inevitable to we all look back on our childhood the days before ourselves got in the way of us doing what we just wanted to do. And I think in many ways that’s how a feel now the desire to get back to the days before my action or lack there of inspired anything in me. I feel like Aish in many ways killed the part of me that just loved to worship because it felt right. I just know I want it back and I know I can have it back. It won’t be exactly the same, it never is. Nor would I expect it to be. I thought about how out of place I felt. I didn't feel bad, or guilty really. I just felt out of place. And so I thought a lot about why we act or don't act.
Jewish practice after all is so many, I can do this' and I can't do that's so much is predicated on what I can and can not do. Jews actually brought the idea of moral responsibility into the world. They changed the idea of actions being based less on what my resources and strengths/ weakness all my to do. To the idea that every person has a responsibility beyond themselves to act in a just manner. Now it seems childish but not so in the time of its creation. Jews unsurprisingly brought the idea of guilt into the world. And so it goes. I realized that the interplay between our inner selves between right and wrong are our own because we allow them to define us. And so I made it home no worse for the wear. With a little clarity that came though a lot of guilt. Maybe thats the whole point of our guilt, thought it we relentlessly examine ourselves looking of understanding on our own very often unconscious actions. Our guilt forces us to see within ourselves what is to often hidden, and maybe thats not such a bad thing. Maybe its just what we need. Here is to our days of reflection. May god give us all a little bit of understanding and wisdom in these days of atonement. May we all find a place of peace for the demons that haunt us all. And free ourselves as we prepare to be forgiven.
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