Work

I've had a crazy couple of weeks. Right now I'm sitting at work that’s right I'm working. It had been a little over a year since I last worked and it's taking a bit of getting used to. Sitting at a desk all day, waking up at 5:00am since I have to commute from New Jersey, it all feels very weird. So how did all of this come about? After spending a week with a good friend from Israel, I realized that I had a lot of issues to work out.

It all sort of came to a head with me. The whole being back in America, adjusting to my life here, it all hit a breaking point. I’ve realized that I need more time before I really commit to being a religious Jew. I realized that I can learn and grow and do it at a different place then I was. I realized that I need that time to rebuild my life and if I don’t give it to myself I am liable to loose my mind. I realized all this at the end of an intense week with my friend at his place in CT. After building a Sukkot together, shaking the lulav a bunch of times, celebrating Shabbat, Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah I was done, emotionally drained and we started talking and he said something to me that really hit home. He asked me why I hated being Jewish so much. It wasn’t the first time someone has asked me that but this time it really hit home. I do hate the ceremonial tradition, it hate the rules and the minutia of it, it makes me angry and its just impossible for me to be that kind of a Jew right now.

I know that ultimately its not ‘correct’ that according to the halacha its wrong of me to act that way. But at least for now, I just can’t help it. I want to love what I’m doing. I want to feeling empowered by my spirituality not hindered by it. I have a goal in mind, I have an ideal that’s out there but I’ve realized that I’m just not there yet. I hope and pray that one day I will be strong enough to be but I have to stop pretending that I am.

So did I mention that I’m working right now? Yea at a non-profit dedicated to feeding the world; it’s a very cool place and just what I want to be doing. When I’ve though about what I want to do I’ve realized that it has to be in the non-profit field. That I want to be part of the effort to set the worlds global policies with respect to healing the world, in Judaism it is called Tikkun Olam and it is what I’m doing right now. The funniest part is that it is a Christian organization. So it’s a little weird. Maybe Christianity is idolatry but you know what? A lot of the most important non-profit work in the world is carried out by people of all faiths. Do I fundamentally disagree with theirs? Yes of course I do but that doesn’t mean I can’t work with them to make a better world. Maybe this to is a contradiction of interests. But why should this be any different then the rest of my life? Oh the tangled webs we weave… for now I’m going to enjoy myself in all my confusion. Shalom Alechem (peace be unto you) from beautiful and cold New York City.