Atonement

Fasting is never an easy experience, and Yom Kippur is the hardest of them all. Judaism has many fast days throughout the year. I fasted on the fast of Ester before Purim, I fasted on Tisha b'Av to mourn the loss of the Temple. I fasted on many days this year but none was harder the Yom Kippur. Maybe it was simply the length of the fast. On Yom Kippur we fast for 26 hours(sun down to sun down) where as on the others we generally only go for 12 hours (thats sun up to sun down) but I don't think thats it. I think what it is, is on this day we're completing a cycle of redemption. On the High Holidays its not just Israel thats being atoned for, its the whole world. Goyim (thats the other nations) are also being redeemed, its so much greater then just ourselves.

Thats a heavy thought, or it was for me this year. And for whatever reason I had such a difficult time with it this year. I don't know what it was but I tossed and turned the whole night. I kept dreaming that the holiday was over and that I was stuffing my face with delicious food. Only to wake up and realize it was 3:30 am. I woke up over and over and over again. I can't remember a time when I slept more fitfully. And I kept dreaming about the one thing that I knew I wasn't getting, when I finally got out of bed at 8:00 am I was already craving food and water. I had been dreaming about it all night. I got over it, I went to shul like a good Yid, I tried to relax and take a nap. I failed. But I tried. At one point as I was getting ready to head back to shul for Ne'ilah I saw a granola bar I had in my backpack, I can't even describe my how my desire peaked at that moment. How strong was desire for it was.

When at long last the sun began to set we davened the Ne'ilah service. This was my first time ever doing it, usually being to drained and grumpy to want any part of it. But this year it felt important and so I did it. It begins with the opening of the Ark where the Torah scrolls are held. It stays open for the whole service which means that one must do everything they can to stay standing through the service. I resolved to do this despite my light headedness. In the end it was a very moving experience for me, at one point I thought I might collapse and came very close to sitting down and stopping my prayers. But I resolved to do so despite the personal cost. And I thought this summed up the day and maybe even the year for me. I despite what everything around me indicated chose to do something difficult, something uncomfortable. I saw it though to the end. I know that it journey I took, wasn't easy and now being home is just as hard. I've been forced to battle against the whole world and myself. Against my better judgment because I felt that there would be a pay off that I just couldn't imagine at that moment. And I was right as the Ark was closed and food and drink were consumed. Life flowed back into my body. My head stopped pounding. It was a good day, it was a good year. I hope that everyone had an easy and productive fast. I hope that on that day some bit of peace was found. And it is my most sincere desire that we use what we found on that day and the ten days before to move ahead with our years. Enough for now. While my feet are in the diaspora my heart is always in Eretz Israel, Shalom Alechem.