For Natalie

A good friend of mine is currently in Israel, and its been amazing getting to spend sometime with her. Let me start at the beginning, it all began innocently enough, I decided that I wanted to go on an adventure during my last vacation before real life began. In short I made what has become a standard right of passage for Jewish young adults: I went on Birthright. Without much foresight into my multitude of options for said trip I signed up for the first one that caught my eye. Little did I know that seemingly innocent enough decision would irrevocably alter my life. What I didn't realize at the time was my trip was run by Mayanot, a Chabbad run organization. This was in short a religious trip, and I was in short a secular, liberal, and very ignorant Jew. I met Natalie right form the beginning and the two of us plus another life long friend David bonded instantly. The two of them were very religious in my eyes, they believed in god! I didn't think sensible people believed in god. My secular rationalism wouldn't accept being religious as a rational decision. On Birthright I was exposed to ideas that were very foreign to me, teffilin, shabbat, god, just to name a few. I'll admit my curiosity was aroused by many long, late night conversations with Rabbi Rappaport a man scarcely older then myself he exuded a quality that I couldn't pinpoint but that deep down I wanted badly. That was how it all began for me, when I left that trip I had received no great revelation, just a new curiosity, and an exposure to a ancient culture that I believed had nothing to offer me. But that was enough I was now no longer so ignorant of my own ignorance, I now knew I didn't know anything about Judaism and I decided I should for my own sake learn more. That was it, I thought I'd learn a bit fill in some gaps of my education and move on. Now over two years later I'm sitting in a Yeshiva in Israel I've been here almost nine months and my current plan is to go home and keep learning. And last night I found myself sitting down with a dear friend talking about god, life, love, etc. She gave me a mirror an in that mirror I saw myself more clearly then I have in a long time. She was there for the beginning, she's seen my evolution. We all fall victim to short sightedness it hard for us to see ourselves clearly when so much is going on around us. Luckily for me I've been incredibly blessed throughout my life to have people who grant me clarity and give me a sounding board and love me no matter what comes bouncing back. So thank you to Natalie and the many, many others who have seen and helped me evolve. I can't say that I've seen any of this coming but I am in my moments of clarity so happy I've had the opportunity and the courage to pursue it to my own logical conclusions. Shalom Alechem from Eretz Israel.

The Darkness

Right at this moment I'm staring at an e-ticket it has a date on it September 25, 2008 that is when according to the ticket that I'm going back to America. I've been pondering that date now for almost eight months. So strange, so very strange, after consulting with many people Rabbis, family members, etc I've decided that I need to come home earlier like at the end of August and you know what? Thats only a month an a half away. It feels as though I only got to this country yesterday, time seems like its been standing still. I was thinking about my first few days here, I was completely confused, I had just finish work, finished packing up an apartment and a life. I felt like I had made a huge mistake. Then I settled in go used to the flow and the rhythm of life here and before I knew it my parents and sister and brother in law were visiting. The day my parents left was the day I changed my ticket, it had me leaving on January 25th, nine months I pushed it back. I seemed like an eternity and now again I find myself sitting down and trying to set a date. And you know what? I'm scared. When it really comes down to it most of the things on life that we fear, we don't really fear as Dumbledore tells Harry "There is nothing to be feared from a dead body, any more then there is anything to be feared from the darkness. Lord Voldemort, who of course secretly fears both disagrees. But once again he reveals his own lack of wisdom. It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more." As so I find my self staring into a void. When I left so many months ago I didn't know what to expect, and now and I'm beginning to see the shimmer of light in the darkness, again I am afraid of what lies on the other side. And yet I digress, because I'm also excited to go home, to see my family, to share with them the experiences that I have had here. I'm excited to have a new adventure and to find my way again. But really I'm just excited that I managed to squeeze a Harry Potter reference into a post :) Shalom from Eretz Israel, I'll see you in the diaspora soon.

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Life is really funny, I just had to say it. Every step that I take on this journey amazes me, the way one little unexpected thing leads to another. It just amazes me simply, amazes me. Am I getting my point across. Today I was a little late for a class, I end up running into an old friend from New York and hooking up with some people he's traveling with, have a conversation, gain some insight and a fresh perspective on my activities. As of late I've decided to be a bit of a bum, I've found a class rhythm that works for me but otherwise decided to be as irresponsible as I can manage without totally losing my mind and its been great! I'm trying not to over think my expanding religiousness to much or my issues with what I'm doing and you know why? Because life has a funny way of taking care of itself if only we're patient enough to allow things to develop. As my mom always tells me, stop thinking so much and just get out there and do something. I've learned that when I'm busy and I have goals and tasks to do, I'm a much better person all around. And what a wonderful place to be in. I'm just trying to soak up as much of the Holy Land as possible before I go home, internalize as much Torah, and then I'm getting out there and shaking, rattling and rolling. Where am I going? I'm not sure and you know what thats okay and you know what? Being okay is feeling pretty good right now.

The Land of Lost Children

Israel is the land of lost children; I think that’s what I’ve realized since I’ve gotten here. People come from all over the world in search of something. What exactly is that something? Well it’s different for all of us, some come seeking adventure and a chance to settle a new land, for a chance to lay down their stake in a country that is scarcely more then sixty years old. Others come to lay claim to a spiritual destiny that they see as being timeless and beyond our control. They come to fulfill the ancient prophecy of the ingathering of the exiles, and to rebuild Jerusalem. Others come because it s halfway point somewhere in between Europe and Asia, a tiny piece of land that human beings have lived on since the beginnings of modern man. Israel is so many things to so many different people, and all of them every single one becomes part of a beautiful and tragic mosaic. The Holy Land is after all build upon the tears of the Matriarchs. I often think about what brought me to this mysterious land, I think about my first experience of flying all night and getting off the plane, the sun was rising, the morning dew and fog slowly being burned off as the suns heat hit it. I remember dragging my bag to the bus, then stopping for a moment taking the scene in. Taking a deep breath of the soft morning air and looking over my shoulder feeling inexplicably as though someone or something was there with me. I have over the course of the at times grueling months here thought of that singular moment. The time where I understood Israel without understanding a thing, I remember the naivety, the innocence. I miss those moments, I don’t know if I’ll ever get them back, I suspect not. After all moments of innocence rely on that one thing you can’t get unless you have it: experience. We all come into this world, to this land innocent, curious, then experience gets in the way. We learn Torah, or find a job, or become settlers in the West Bank or whatever it is we do. And then we make decisions, we stay or we go, making terrible decisions to leave our families or to leave or true home. It’s beautiful and tragic, funny how those words seem inexplicably linked. And we all become lost children.

A Beautiful Sadness

Shabbat is coming in just a few short hours Jerusalem will be all a bustle with most of the city hurrying to finish its pre-sabbath activities. And I can't figure out why I should care, some days are just like this, some days I'd like to just forget. And even now as I write this I don't even want to read it. I mean really? Am I really going to write another post about how I just don't care about any of this. Isn't the fact that I have so much angst about this enough proof that I do care about it? The answer is of course yes. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that I met a religious girl recently that for reasons I can;t always explain that I like. And I don't know if anything will happen between us I highly doubt it. Since it's obvious to me that I'm in no way clear about my religious direction and she is. But I think its really forced to me to consider living like this. Its made me consider it as a constant way of living. Because honestly as much time as I do think about it. I think theres always a part of me that knows that as long as I'm not married, not raising a family. I'm just a single guy on an adventure I could turn around at any minute and decide to just be a 'spiritual' person to live a half life, somewhere suspended between two realities that I feel truthful have a lot to offer. And here I met people on both extremes who could never imagine life anyway but with either zero religion who think the fact that everyday I pray and make blessings and everything else that I do as old fashioned and antiquated. Of course I also meet people on the other extreme who could never imagine going back to life filled with physicality and no ultimate meaning who think secular people are insane. Who can't imagine a life filled with subjective reality and no ultimate purpose. And I find that in my moments of true clarity I'm still suspended in the middle and I can't decide which way to go, and I'm just not sure why. I love being in Israel, I love the rhythm of life here, love that just by default its a Jewish one. Love that this is the only place in the world that simply breathes Jewishness, its beautiful. Did mention that how incredibly beautiful this country is, that I'm coming home with thousands of pictures, that I'm going to cover my house with pictures of it. That I know no matter what I'll still dream of Israel that I'll always feel like I've compromised. So funny isn't it? Its a beautiful and tragic life, and all the more so because who would have thought that so much pain and angst could make me so happy? Good Sabbath and Shalom Alechem.

Suspending Reality

It seems that losing your faith and losing your lack of faith have much in common. At some point your suspended between two competing, self-consistent realities, knowing you have to go backwards or forwards, with no one to help you and no net. And once your out there, you realized that skeptic and believer are mirror images, reflecting a vision of logic in the universe. - Ellen Willis, Next Year in Jerusalem

This quote is from an article I've quoted many times and I've always meant to post it, if I already haven't it just speaks to me. Throughout my quest for truth, spirituality, etc this quote is seemingly always on the tip of my tongue. And I know anyone who has experienced a swing in realities as I have over the last two and a half years should identify with it. At some point your faced with a decision do I go backwards or forwards because I can't stay here. My first truly powerful religious experience was wrapping teffilin at the Kotel on my birthright trip. After the experience on the last night of the trip the Rabbi who I was traveling with asked me what I thought after my experiences. And I told me that I still didn't believe in god but I was willing to consider the possibility I was wrong and I didn't expect to get any farther with the answer. And he cautioned me about the view point. He told me that for the present moment it was fine, that for where I was and where I was coming from that it was a perfectly acceptable answer to have, but that eventually I'd have to make a decision one way or the other. That eventually I'd have to really decide. And I didn't believe him, I thought he was just playing with my mind trying to add some doubt or indecision to get me to come around to his viewpoint. And quite possibly he was, if he did it certainly worked. But the more likely answer is, he was right you can't have it both ways when it comes to such a big question your mind just won't let it rest until it gets a little clarity. Otherwise you'll spend all your time suspended between two universes and that can be a lonely place to be.

Lose your mind, Find yourself

I wrote that down during my weekend in Tsfat, more perhaps then any other single phrase I've written in the last few months that one describes what its been like in Israel. Really what else is there to say about yeshiva life. Now that I have a (somewhat) firm date for coming home its my hot topic, I keep asking myself, will everyone still recognize me when I get home? More to the point do I even recognize myself? I've gone back recently and read some of my first entries to the blog and I love them. They are so naive? I'm not sure thats the right word, hopeful? That might be closer. Either way from then until now I've seen and experienced a lot that alone without anything else was bound to change me. In fact I knew that right from the very start I knew that even a short trip would challenge me and the very point of the trip itself was growth. I find that now more then ever how I feel about yeshiva life and Israel has become increasingly unstable a large part of me just wants to go home, I've been away for over eight months, its been over six months since I've seen my family and I'm tired, its the sort of weariness that a few good nights sleep just won't take away. Or maybe, just maybe its to early in the morning, maybe just maybe a few more hours will do the trick. What did I say before? I'm losing my mind and finding myself...