A Beautiful Sadness

Shabbat is coming in just a few short hours Jerusalem will be all a bustle with most of the city hurrying to finish its pre-sabbath activities. And I can't figure out why I should care, some days are just like this, some days I'd like to just forget. And even now as I write this I don't even want to read it. I mean really? Am I really going to write another post about how I just don't care about any of this. Isn't the fact that I have so much angst about this enough proof that I do care about it? The answer is of course yes. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that I met a religious girl recently that for reasons I can;t always explain that I like. And I don't know if anything will happen between us I highly doubt it. Since it's obvious to me that I'm in no way clear about my religious direction and she is. But I think its really forced to me to consider living like this. Its made me consider it as a constant way of living. Because honestly as much time as I do think about it. I think theres always a part of me that knows that as long as I'm not married, not raising a family. I'm just a single guy on an adventure I could turn around at any minute and decide to just be a 'spiritual' person to live a half life, somewhere suspended between two realities that I feel truthful have a lot to offer. And here I met people on both extremes who could never imagine life anyway but with either zero religion who think the fact that everyday I pray and make blessings and everything else that I do as old fashioned and antiquated. Of course I also meet people on the other extreme who could never imagine going back to life filled with physicality and no ultimate meaning who think secular people are insane. Who can't imagine a life filled with subjective reality and no ultimate purpose. And I find that in my moments of true clarity I'm still suspended in the middle and I can't decide which way to go, and I'm just not sure why. I love being in Israel, I love the rhythm of life here, love that just by default its a Jewish one. Love that this is the only place in the world that simply breathes Jewishness, its beautiful. Did mention that how incredibly beautiful this country is, that I'm coming home with thousands of pictures, that I'm going to cover my house with pictures of it. That I know no matter what I'll still dream of Israel that I'll always feel like I've compromised. So funny isn't it? Its a beautiful and tragic life, and all the more so because who would have thought that so much pain and angst could make me so happy? Good Sabbath and Shalom Alechem.