Opening doors

I've been home for a week and already the United States is starting to close me in. I can't help but feel that way about it, everyone here keeps telling me that life there is so hard and that its not a good place and all these other things. And you know what? They don't really know anything, but I think that I don't really know much either. I ultimately just know how the two places make me feel, the US is so comfortable, it’s easier to deal with life here, I know how to look for a job and an apartment and start a life. I've done it before and I can and am beginning to again. While Israel is a wild frontier, it’s a big vast open land that needs filling in. America is dull; no one that I meet here is asking what this is all about. They are so entrenched in living these neat little lives they've created for themselves. A week home and already I'm on the job search, not at yeshiva, not connected to a Jewish community, on the search for a job; which is good it’s important to have a way to make some money so I can quit living off my savings. I'm not trying to discount it. It just feels so meaningless and safe. Israel was dangerous and bursting at the seams. People there from all walks of life walk around with a purpose; they are all part of a place where they feel like they get to create the story, to make a real impression with their lives. I don't know, it’s all like I've said very confusing and I feel obligated to give it a good run here but I know I can't do that at the neglect of my spiritual growth. I know I need to find a community that I like and can be comfortable in. A community where I can make friends that share my passion for yiddishkit and the exploration and expansion of Torah in the world. It’s funny after spending so long in a place where it’s the central aspect of people’s existence and then entering a world where it is (maybe) a blip on their radar screens is quite a shock. Especially given that it’s a world I used to feel like I identified with so strongly and I know if I'm not careful I'll slip back into it. Just because it’s so comfortable, people I talk to don't want me to be in a yeshiva environment again. Some are of the opinion that its become comfortable for me. I worry about the opposite without a strong anchor here in the Diaspora without a community that supports and encourages my pursuit of the truth. I'll end up like so many stuck in some non-committed, uneducated half world, wherever and whatever that is. These are the thoughts swirling though my brain this afternoon, tomorrow I head into the big city to do some interviewing, to shake a few hands and see how that feels and where it might take me. It’s all for the moment about not being afraid to just throw myself out there and see what possibilities open up, then I’m off to Monsey at the beginning to next week, its taking me a little while longer then expected to make it there but I am committed to going and checking it out, just you know to see how it feels, find out what doors it opens up, isn’t that what life is all about anyway…