Identity Crisis

Why is it I write most often when I’m unhappy? I don’t know but it does seem like I’m at my most lyrical when I’m not happy. Its weird being home, getting away from Israel, so much of my Jewish identity is wrapped up in that land and now that I’m home I’m not sure what it all means to me. Which is exciting but also scary, I have an ongoing conversation about this with myself. I in my more honest moments have a lot of trouble with the idea of an absolute unchangeable truth. Maybe that makes me weak, but I think most people still cling to the idea that there is so sort of absolute in this world. We all believe in fundamental unchangeable truths. But what do those moral truths mean? And maybe more importantly how does that impact my life? In Israel and especially Jerusalem you encounter a lot of god fearing people. Our relationship to god most commentators agree is played out as a dichotomy on one hand we have fear and the other love. Those are the two central points by which human being live their lives. They underpin the central point in ones decision making. Why am I going to get a job? Why do I need a job? If I don’t have a job then I won’t have money, if I don’t have money then I won’t be able to do things that I enjoy. This is love I’m making a decision based on some desired effect that will in my estimation make me happy. Because I do this, I can do this and then I’ll be happy. Or if I don’t get a job then I won’t be able to meet my basic needs, I won’t be able to do anything. I’ll end up desolate and alone. I’m afraid that if I don’t do this then I’ll have nothing, I’ll be nothing. Everything else is just a by product of these two motivations. And I think what I’m struggling with right now is this: if my practice isn’t making me happy, then what am I doing it for? Am I just doing it out of some, crazy self conceived fear of a god whose presence is so hidden in this world that, it’s impossible to really see. And so what am I doing this for? I don’t know right now but I know I’m angry at god, I know that I’m not happy where I am. I know that I need time and that I’m still in the beginning period of my reflection and evaluation of what I learned and experienced in Israel. And I know that I need to find a space where I can do that, and I don’t know where that is and that scares me to no end. I’m afraid of going forward, I’m afraid of going backwards and so I’m stuck going nowhere. And I know this to shall pass but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. It’s hard to be where I am now, two plus years out of college, without a job, without a place and without a direction. I was happy before I left on that maniac mitzvah, maybe not all the time but more often then not I was happy with what I was doing. I knew that I needed to learn more in terms of my Judaism, but I thought I was on the right track. And then I just picked up and left and went to Israel for almost a year and now I’m back. And I feel like instead of getting closer to where I want to be that I’m farther away the ever. But maybe that just natural, I don’t know, but its just kind of what I’m thinking about on this rainy morning in New York. I know that in fact I’m much closer to where I’ll end up then I ever have been before but it’s just more difficult to see at the moment. And maybe this to is just what needs to be happening right now, maybe you can’t see clearly until you’ve struggled though the clouds. Maybe, just maybe…