Day's of Awe

"The search for god, is the search for oneself."

One month, I've been home one month and what have I done? I've settled in, gotten used to being outside of Eretz Israel. I've gone to yeshiva for two days and then fled like my life was in danger with promises to return that I knew wouldn't be met. I've had some great Shabbat's with good friends both new and old. I caught a Met's game with a good friend. And I've thought a lot about everything that happened to me over the last year. It's hard to believe at this time last year I was in the beginning stages of planning that Maniac Mitzvah I've been on ever since. And I suppose this is an appropriate time for an accounting. It is after all just a few short days away from Rosh Hashanah and the days of Awe. In the last two weeks I've really tried to get a job search going. When I got to yeshiva two weeks ago, I had a moment of clarity. It happened while sitting in an amazing class. We were learning Strive for Truth by Rabbi E.E. Dessler, and I was into it. I was putting ten months of yeshiva learning to the test. In a new environment with no expectations of my ability I found to my great surprise that I had learning a ton. And it felt great, but then after the class I realized something, I didn't want to be there, I just didn't and despite my desire to be in a Torah community and to keep growing that simply wasn't the environment that felt right to me and so I packed up my stuff and got out. I fled for the safety of my parents house and I've been here ever since. Not really ever since but this has been my base of operations since then and it just makes sense to me. Clarity or death! Isn't that what its all about? And I feel blessed to be finding that. I've realized I'm religious but not that religious of course by whose standards do I judge myself? Mine thats whose and I'm okay with that, I'm okay with believing in god and Torah, I'm okay with being skeptical of the Rabbi's. I've realized that I can't expect myself to think and judge them any differently then I do other people. Which goes something like this: How can I expect myself to fully trust people who lived in a different time and a different world then me, to make binding decisions for me about every aspect of my existence? Especially given that my general observations of people are, that people by in large are self centered and protectionistic of their own values and ideas. And are by enlarge self centered and motivated by preserving their own ideas. So thats my scale, what does it mean practically? It means that I'll always struggle with the practicalities of the halacha, the laws governing a Jew's every day existence. It means I'll wear my kippa with pride and not give a f*** what anyone thinks about me for it. It means I'll observe kashrut and Shabbat laws but not freak out about it. It means in short I'll be a Jew the only way that makes sense to me. It means I'll have a relationship with god on our terms and no one else's. And it means that for right now I'm focused on finding a job and a life in a place that makes sense to me. I know what this means and I don't care. I know it means I'll live a life of conflict and turmoil about the decisions I'm making and the uncertainly of those outcomes. And it means I'll deal, I'll just deal with it. And I won't despair about it. Quite the contrary I'll celebrate every last little contradiction of it, I'll love every minute of it, even when I can't take it. Because it hard being home, remaking a life I left behind forever but will never really leave. But it's also rewarding in all its challenges. We are approaching the days of Awe, we're all getting ready to do an accounting of our souls. It's hard but its worth it. So lets all revel in it because what else do we have but to enjoy it while it lasts.

I work my whole life - I don't apologize - to take care of my family, and I refused to be a fool, dancing on the string held by all those bigshots. I don't apologize - that's my life.