Only the search matters

August 17, 2008, funny how my posts all seem to be dated now, I guess it’s just my way of counting down. Once again I’m back to my old ways without an internet connection handy all these entries will be thrown up at the same time. It’s a weird way to do things but that’s just where I am. I’m finding now that I’m in the single digits my growing excitement and dread is growing. In fact I can hardly wait to go home, and conversely find myself more in love with Israel then ever. I also find myself more reflective then ever, and in many ways less connected to god. Maybe its just a lack of inspiration, maybe its just me cushioning myself for an inevitable fall but now that I’m getting ready to leave I’m really beginning to think about where I’ve come from and what I want to take away from the whole experience. I think in the end, I’m committed to this path I’ve chosen, when I arrived in Israel it was with no intention of becoming a ‘frum’ Jew. It was never in the cards so I thought. But I realize more and more now that, that is precisely what I am, maybe not on the outside but on the inside its always what’s made the most sense to me. And I don’t expect the transition to be easy. I know inevitably I’ll fall and get back up perhaps hundreds of times. And due to my lack of an extreme nature I can’t see myself making a fuss over to much when I initially get home. But I know it’s there now deep down inside. When I got to Aish HaTorah I came with the naiveties intentions to learn about my people and who we are. I can now walk away ten months later with a rich understanding of our history and legacy to the world. And I can walk away with the beginnings of a foundation I sorely lacked. Were that will take me I don’t know exactly I know I have skills I’d like to build on. My Hebrew for instance is still woefully poor but now finally for the first time I have a foundation to start with and as long as I’m willing to dedicate myself to fifteen minutes to a half hour of practice a day I know that in time I’ll come to read it fluently. I also know I’d like to explore other methods to incorporate into my davening (prayer) through yoga, and other forms and breath and body control. This is in many ways a well beaten path. I also know that al least at present I have no plans to fully bend myself to the Torah. It’s admirable for those who choose it and I may very well do so one day. But for now I’m all about the baby steps. God willing when I get home I’ll be able to situate myself in a religious community, find a few families who I can connect with and learn from. Establish a life that I’m comfortable with but also where I’m growing and I’ll take it from there. Life is after all a pretty simple game. Even if we’re tricked into thinking its not, it is in its essence simple. You live, you die and in between you try to find a little happiness, something to do with your life that gives it a purpose and makes it meaningful. I suppose in the end that’s still a more existential sentiment then a Jewish one. So be it, at least for now that’s just where I am. And that’s what’s important for me, for now. Being honest about my beliefs and living those beliefs in a way that doesn’t compromise myself. I was once told by a wise man that when people come to yeshiva they are exposed to a world for truth and when they leave that truth becomes covered up and concealed. Much in the same way it was for the Jews on Sinai, they we’re given a direct revelation from god, long to be complaining that god must hate them and must be trying to kill them a short while later. And it’s the same for our lives. We’re given little bits a truth in blinding moments of clarity. Only to have those moments concealed by the day in and day out concerns and worries of our lives. But if we’re careful and smart we’ll find a way to hold on to those memories and carry them with us and in moments of darkness and concealment we’ll be able to find our ways. I hope and pray that though difficult I’ll be able to do just that… Is it really eight days until I leave? Yikes!! Shalom from Eretz Israel.