Tisha B'Av

Tisha B'Av is here and I'm hungry already. 10:15am is the time and I'm 15 hours into a fast that still has ten hours left to go. I haven't written much this month, its been sort of a crazy time. The last week feels like a month has elapsed and my head is spinning, or maybe thats just the hunger getting to me. On Tisha B'Av Jews all around the world mourn the loss of the second temple. The mourning period started three weeks ago and all culminates today. There are many restrictions as to what we as Jews can do during this time. We do this to create or re-create an energy / feeling of mourning. And its lived up to its label I can't say that its been an easy time. With all holidays we're supposed to actually feel the event itself. According to Judaism time isn't linear its circular, what does that mean? Think of time as a corkscrew, spiraling around so when we hit an day the energy of all of those days in previous years is present . Therefore on Pesach we're not just remembering the exodus from Egypt we're actually reliving it. On Tisha B'Av we're not just remembering the destruction of the temple we're living as if it happened this year. Its a very different way of looking at time then what many of us are taught growing up. Inevitably this way of thinking leads to questions like how the hell can I act as if the temple was just destroyed, more importantly how can I mourn it when I don't even really know what it was? And there are no easy answers for this. Personally I find that during these times I'm given reminders, hints and clues in my life that get me there. This last week I lost two of the most important people to me in Israel, and I've been trying to cope with that. First the person I was closest to in Israel, had a friend die unexpectedly and had to rush home. He was planning on leaving in a month but had to change his ticket and left almost immediately. On moment he was here and the next he was gone. It actually happened so fast that it still doesn't feel real. The second thing that happened was me and the girl I've been seeing realized that although there could be something really special between us that we're currently headed in different directions. I've been in Israel for the last ten months learning at yeshiva and ready to go home. And she just got here a few months ago and isn't ready to think about anything else. I can't say it has been easy for me, I feel a gap where I really believed something special had existed. And I don't know if we made the right decision. Now I don't know what to do, I've never been with someone I thought was worth fighting for, someone who I was willing to change my own plans for. And the more I think about it, the more I don't know what do to. I know I need to go home, I know I need to make money, I know a lot of things but I don't know what to do. I like I said have never fought for a relationship I want to do a lot of things but like I said I don't know what to do. And these two things have really helped me understand what we're doing on Tisha B'Av, they've made me feel a deep sense of loss and they've made me feel it in a way thats hard to verbalize. I know that where once there was a bond, a feeling of connectedness there is now a disconnect. And I think that that's the point of this whole thing. Its why we don't listen to music of have weddings, or sit on comfortable chairs. We're recreating a feeling that isn't comfortable it isn't nice. For many of us our whole lives are spend just trying to be comfortable, just trying to get by with as little involvement as possible. But thats not possible. We must engage we must be willing to put ourselves out there and take risks like being hurt and sad and upset and confused. I mourn on this day the loss of two people who we're very close to me but I'd rather mourn the loss then to be sitting on the sidelines. I accept that the temple isn't here because we as Jews aren't doing enough. Our mission is one of Tikkun Olam, the repairing of this world. We are the sacred guardians of a revelation that has changed the world and it is because of this not in spite of of it that we are still not worthy to experience a world with the temple in it. It is said when a man and a woman enter into a marriage that they create the temple together in the home and life that they build as two halves coming together to make a whole. It is precisely the same way Jews should regard our mission in this world to create the temple by first coming together and then using the energy of that union to facilitate another one, namely as I said before fixing this world. All of our relationships serve that purpose. By coming together by being open with one another and allowing others to share our experience, by not going it alone we can and will rebuild the temple and in the process unite towards common goals and if we're luckily make the world a better place.

Yibaneh beis hamikdash, bimheira b’yameinu.