The Ocean

Certainty is an amazing thing. I really admire people who have it. Case in point a Rabbi, not just any old Rabbi, although I'm not discounting anyone of them. But still there are differences and some of the men I meet at this yeshiva just have 'it' what 'it' is exactly isn't so clear but I'll venture a guess and say its something like this. People who think they have found the purpose of life and who translate that into a coherent world view are transcendent. That is they seem to be above most of the petty, nonsense that most people get caught up in. And I admire that a great deal, I pray for it and search for it and work hard for it. But I think in my moments of clarity I'm not sure I'll ever really have it. And thats a problem because you can never expect to get something that you don't believe exists. I've recently been trying to make some big decisions about the course of my life, an inevitable by product of transition. And its made me evaluate what I've learning here and how much I've grown and I've realized that now I only have more questions that I only have more ideas to bounce around and theories to test. I've realized that this maniac mitzvah is far, far from over. That alone is not a huge shock, after all get busy living or get busy dieing there ain't no third direction. So I know that this search will be ever evolving. And yet there comes a time and a place and I'm rapidly reaching that point where a man, a person has to point themselves in a direction and leave the shore behind so as I drift out to sea I can't help but crane my neck around, looking for the shore trying to see where I've come from. Because if I look ahead I'll realize there is a big vast wide ocean in front of me and I'm not sure where I'm headed and yet even as I look back I realize that the shore holds nothing for me, that all it is is a seemingly safe place. But its narrow to its a place of innocence and ignorance while the ocean is vast and wide and deep. I know even if it scares me I'd rather be sailing into the great unknown then to be tied safely to shore.