Spinning

It's amazing, life that is is for lack of a better word amazing. I was reflecting this morning on how much life can change in a split second. How one moment you can think your life is going one way and the next you feel as though you've been hit by a Mack truck going seventy miles an hour in the opposite direction by the time you stop spinning(we're going by cartoon logic / physics here, not real life) you don't know what way your going or if your even headed remotely in the same direction anymore. And you know what? Thats just how life is, and I'm working very hard at just accepting the fact that I am not in control of my life. That at times no matter what my decisions and feelings circumstances will happen, and I'll be left spinning and hopefully I'll know which way I came from when its all over. So what brings on this thought you the reader might ask? It all goes back to honesty. And by that I mean the post I wrote entitled Honesty. That was written because I met a girl, cue the White Stripes "Fell in love with a girl, fell in love once and I'm lost completely now... baah dadada... " yep that right I met a girl. An amazing girl and now I'm utterly confused about what I should be doing when I get home. I've talked with friends, family and Rabbi's alike. All have their own twist and take on the matter, all have their own agenda regarding the matter. And in a way it makes me angry I don't feel as though something this important should should have an agenda attached to it. And yet I know I can't stop that people have their own ideas about what life is and can be and those people impose all those ideas on to me and my situation. So yea I'm a little bit angry, but I think thats just me trying to replace the scared/ excited feelings that have otherwise dominated my mind for the last week or so. Because its now August first, I leave in twenty five days and I'm not sure what to do. If things continue to go well with this girl and then I just up and leave where will that leave us? I'm not sure and thats the problem. I like to be comfortable, I like to know whats going on with things in my life, I prefer not to leave things up to chance and here I feel like theres so much unknown. So many what if this and what if that and what if that other thing?!?! Its enough as I said before to make your head spin. Now I find myself having more difficulty planning anything past the next day. It all just keeps changing so quickly on me. And I don't know what to do some moments. Most of the time this has been making me happy. Happy and scared and excited! Its so wonderful building a connection with another person and trying to figure out if your lives are headed in the same direction, and if you'd be okay with staring across a table at that person for the rest of your life. Its a crazy thing to contemplate but thats where I am right now. I'm no longer a little kid, I'm trying to figure out what makes sense down the road not just here and now. And what can I say? My head is spinning, but at least theres a smile on my face :) Shalom Alechem and a good Shabbat to you all.