Being Here Now

I’ve been having trouble being here lately, I think it’s just a bit of culture shock, but it can be really hard being here sometimes. I feel a little like Jacob, struggling with god. Luckily I have people in my life who have and continue to help me along the way. I thought I was going to freak out yesterday, I really couldn’t deal. I had to call my mom; I didn’t even stop to think that it was 6:30am in New York. I just needed to talk, to express myself to someone who wasn’t dealing with the same issues everyone here is. What I mean to say by that is simply all the people I meet here are on a journey, both literally and figuratively, we’re all here because we’re searching for meaning. Not that that ever stops, I just needed someone who’s lived a little longer, someone who really knows me. And that person was mom, I’m incredibly lucky to have a mom who understands me so well. After a 30 minute talk with her I was feeling much better. I’ve always been a thinker who went against the grain and here there are times when I feel like I’m trapped in a corner, that it’s everyone against me, and that’s hard to deal with. I feel like my beliefs are constantly under attack, as a liberal (albeit a moderate one) I’m always facing an uphill battle of ideas. For better or worse I’ve never accepted anything at face value, never gone along with anything just because everyone else was. Most of the time, I’m happy here I’d put the number at 92%, I’ve met wonderful people, conversations here are always interesting, everyone is a free thinker and everyone is searching for truth. It’s an incredible experience to be surrounded by such beauty. But the 8% of the time I’m unhappy I feel really unhappy and that’s just how it is. I grow tired of hearing about how god is in control of everything, about god this and god that. I just want a little perspective in those moments; I want to be able to question gods’ laws, and to find my own truth. In Judaism we have the idea that everyone is judged by their own merits. That everyone is supposed to find their own way within their Judaism. It’s ideal to keep all the mitzvoth but no one can keep them all but we all must strive for perfection. And that’s what life is about striving for truth and seeking always to perfect ourselves. And that’s why I’m here.