Guttenwisdom

-“It must be divinely guided, the search for the right mate, the right partner, or not to have the right partner. It must be divinely guided, because it’s just — how on earth do you do it? You decide to go some place, and this girl that you’ve never met before decides to go some place, and you meet — there must be some spirituality to it.” - The Wisdom of Steve Guttenburg

Honesty

Just a few days ago I thought I might break my blogging record for a month, but then life happened and I hit a wall. Not really a wall so much as I am now dealing with issues that I don't feel entirely comfortable writing on such a public forum. This has been a weird experience for to date I've left very little pardon the expression sacred. I've written with passion and anger, love and fear, and its been a very liberating experience for me. I've talked about this with many close friends and family members. I'm an extremely private person and to have taken the time to write what I have experienced as honestly as I've been able to is a difficult thing for me. It's simply not my nature to be so open. But its been a wonderful experience for me as I said before, I've had a chance to throw caution to the wind and not worry about that others will think when they read this blog. But now I'm feeling closed again, which is not to say I haven't been talking to my trusted friends and family about my life. Because I have, in fact I've been talking so much I think many of them just want to tell me to stick a sock in it. To chill out and just ride the wave. But alas it is simply not my nature though I do my best to fight it. I am a compulsive analyzer. I can not leave well enough alone I simply must look at ever situation in my life from every conceivable angle, multiple times. And so thats what I've been doing talking and not writing, not sharing because there are incredible things happening in my life, things that I don't entirely understand things that make me nervious and happy all at the same time. And I'm so excited I hardly know what to do with myself. Does any of this make sense? I hope it does it just something I've struggled with since I started the adventure of writing this blog, and its a topic I have yet to explore. I thought it was time. Shalom from Eretz Israel.

Tisha b’av, Backgammon and Harry Potter

I was talking to a friend recently about Tisha b’Av, on Tisha b’Av Jews mourn the loss of the two Temple’s in Jerusalem. We learn during this time that the second Temple was destroyed because of baseless hatred among the Jews. So what does this mean? And what can we take from this? During the second Temple period there were many rifts between the various factions of Judaism it all came to a head when the Jews revolted against the Roman Empire. Rome a seemingly invincible force had to send over half of its army into the tiny providence of Judea in order to quell the rebellion. As their armies slowly dismantled the revolt city by city, the population of Jerusalem began to swell as refugees from all over poured into the massive and well fortified city. Eventually with most of the providence safely subdued. The Roman General Vespasian turned his sights on Zion. After surrounding the city the residents had to decide what to do. Due to the influx of residents in the city there was great turmoil. It all came to a head when a civil war broke out within the city itself. Jews fought Jews over control of the sacred Temple and de facto control over the siege set against them by the Roman army. Eventually due to disagreements and an inability to cooperate, food supplies that could have sustained the quarter of a million plus residents were burned and the Jews forced to fight the mighty Roman Army. They were crushed and Temple destroyed all because the various factions of Jews couldn’t work together. This is a powerful message especially in today’s climate. The world is in seeming chaos, and the Jews still can’t get along the right thinks the left naive, the left thinks the right are extremists and the list goes on and on. And I was thinking what does this remind me of? What parallels exist? And most importantly where else can we find these lessons in life? The first that comes to mind is always have a man on your back, it’s a simple lesson but not always easy to follow. This reminded of a game my friends and I play regularly backgammon. In backgammon when you go it alone, if you're always leaving pieces exposed you’re bound to be bumped back to start and it might not be so easy to get back on the board if you do. Your enemy will do everything he can to block all the paths back on the board by teaming his pieces together. Backgammon like life is all about getting ‘there’ in life, love and Judaism our destination isn’t always as clear it is in backgammon but the same principal still applies. The another place I clearly see this theme is in the Harry Potter series. In a classic tale of good versus evil this is one of the main themes that runs though the series. The seemingly unstoppable force of evil Lord Voldemort is a loner. He doesn’t have any friends or family. He’s afraid to confide in anyone or anything he is totally alone in this world. Meanwhile our hero Harry is quite the opposite. He relies heavily on his friends not just for help in figuring out the next riddle or in fighting the next battle but also when he’s at his best emotionally as well. He trusts and confides in his friends, he loves deeply and passionately. And this is ultimately why he prevails, he has the strength to be open and to trust others, while Voldemort is ultimately destroyed because he trusts nobody and is blind to the powers of love and trust i.e. making ones self vulnerable to others by being open with them. He doesn't understand that people will do uncommon things in for what they believe in but for the people standing next to them in battle. He loses because he overlooks this critical part of human existence . It seems to me that in this world we’re living now these lessons are only becoming more important. If we as human beings can’t get past our differences then what will become of us? And if we as Jew’s can’t look beyond our differences and come together as one to look out for one another then who will? May the next three weeks be filled with much contemplation on this matter and may we rebuild the third Temple speedily in our days.

Amen.

17th of Tammuz

I'm fasting today for the 17th of Tammuz, today begins the count down to the 9th of Av also known as Tisha b'Av. Tisha b'Av is a tragic day in Jewish History, it marks the day when: Jew's were told we would have to wander the desert for 40 years and would not be allowed to enter Eretz Israel for 40 more years, its when the first Temple was destroyed and when the walls of Jerusalem were breached by the Romans which quickly lead to the destruction of the second Temple and the expulsion of the Jews from the land of Israel. It also marks the day when the expulsion from Spain happened in 1492, ending a golden age in Jewish thought and philosophy. For the next three weeks pious Jews will prepare themselves to morn the loss of the Temples. So why am I fasting, this is after all a minor Jewish fast day which means there are more excuses for not fasting then there are reasons to fast. Judaism is after all a religion that loves loopholes. And I am not the holiest of all Yid's so why do it it at all? I'll be honest I'm not always sure why I'm doing what I'm doing, especially in moments like this one, its hot out, I can't drink any water or eat, my mind is starting to get foggy and I still have seven hours until I'm eating. So why do it at all? What's the point of not eating today? There are many well thought out and logical reasons for doing so, many greater minds then mine have found reasons for this and many other hard to deal with questions. But I think at the end of the day it all comes down to desire, my desire to eat is less then my desire to connect with my people and to connect to an ancient and mysterious tradition that I'm slowly beginning to understand. I at times find it painful and confusing to do so, I think all things that are worth doing are at times painful. Also I realize this opportunity I've been granted to spend in Israel is precious, i don't know if I'll ever be in an environment or a time where I'll have to explain my actions less then right here and right now. So I'm experimenting with Judaism in a very real way. I can't help myself I suppose I am after all a scientist deep down. I've have now and will continue to experiment with ideas and concepts I learn about. How else can I expect to understand something without doing it, immersing myself in it and seeing what conclusions come out of it? Its the only way I think to truly understand anything, to become a part of it and see where it takes you, I can't think of a creative way to end this so I guess I'll just leave you with this its from R. Noach Weinberg the founder of Aish HaTorah " The opposite of pleasure is comfort. Pleasure involves pain. Decadence is opting for comfort."

Confirmation

Time is a funny thing, to quote Einstein it is merely an illusion albeit a persistent one. Why do I bring this up? I bring it up because I just confirmed my ticket home, yup thats right this manic mitzvah is winding down. In 39 days I'll be on my way back to America ten months and one day after I left. So what does that mean? Good question I wish I knew I'm not entirely sure what I'm going back to or what I'll be doing when I do get back but I know that this isn't the end of this manic mitzvah its a journey that will continue. My current working plan is to go to yeshiva at home, it makes sense to me it will keep me in a religious community and give me a chance to get back on my feet. I'll have time to evaluate what I've learned and plot out a direction for the future. Past that who knows where life will take me, I'm always amazed by the many twists and turns. So I'm a little scared and a little excited. I'm filled with curiosity I wonder how America will feel after so much time away and after so much learned and experienced. I'm looking forward to a new challenge and a new adventure. I wonder what it will feel like leaving Israel. The last time I left I felt as though as the plane was lifting off that a little piece of me got left on the ground, forever left in this wonderful, mysterious land. And I had only been gone ten days, this time I'll have been gone for ten months. For now that question will have to wait and I'll try not to dwell on it to much after all just 39 more days left and then mama I'm coming home.

Is the Israeli government insane?

Check out this article in the papers today. Money quotes:

Hezbollah supporters set up a makeshift stage in the coastal town of Naqoura and a drum corps awaited the prisoners' return. On the platform stood a large photograph of a weeping Israeli woman.

A nearby sign read, "Israel is shedding tears of pain." Another read: "Lebanon is shedding tears of joy."

"Today is a great victory for the resistance movements and to Hezbollah," said Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri. "It shows that the only successful way to free the prisoners is by kidnapping soldiers."

So is the Israeli government insane I'll ask it again. Does this make any sense at all? I just don't get it maybe other people do, if you do email me I'd love to get some clarity about why the government would do such a thing.

From my notebook

Wrote this in class today in my notebook:

Can life really be so simple? It seems at times to me that Judaism is a little to simple, we tell stories about the times of the Temple, about miracles, the power of Navim(prophets), etc. And it all seems just a bit to simple to me. Am I really being asked to believe, that at this time in history life was like a science fiction novel? I don't know about all that, if you believe all the commentaries and all the stories then you're a fool, if you believe none of them you're a heretic. So what am I? I believe the stories are real in the sense that I see them reflected in my own life, stories about the destruction of the first Temple, King David's adventures and the lives of the Patriarchs, but did they actually happen? I just don't know after all I don't have stories like these told about me. But at the end of the day if all I regard them as are stories them what does that mean? How does that change the way I approach my own life, religion, and most importantly my god?

So thats what I wrote I understand that ultimately I have to choose how I live and I know that many of my questions will go unanswered and new ones will crop up. But I had that thought, its worth considering. There is a story told about a Rabbi's son and his friend, they grow up together and eventually go off to different universities. They lose touch and one day a few years later the Rabbi's son sees his old friend and he's no longer religious. He runs up to his friend and says, what happened, etc? To which his friend responds "I was sitting in class one day and these three questions occurred to me and I asked people for answers but no one had any for me and I realized I couldn't go on like this unless I had answers". The Rabbis son is greatly disturbed by this and he runs to his fathers and tells him what happened and asks the three questions. His father looks at him for a while before finally telling his son that he needs three days to think about them and then he'll have answers for his questions. The son is greatly disturbed by this he'd never before asked his father a question he didn't have an answer to. And so for three days he's burning to know, finally after three days he runs to his father and without pause the Rabbi answers his questions. He does it is such a manner that the son realizes his father knew the answers three days ago. So why did he not tell him? He asks, his father looks at him and says this. "My son do you think that when god told Abraham to take his beloved son Issac to Mt. Moriah and sacrifice him that Abraham did not question god? And yet he journeyed for for three days with him to perform this task. What did you do in the last three days did you stop serving god? Or did you continue despite the questions?" In the end we will always have questions that we don't understand, problems that we may not necessarily be able to work out but it s what we do while we're struggling thats important.

For Natalie

A good friend of mine is currently in Israel, and its been amazing getting to spend sometime with her. Let me start at the beginning, it all began innocently enough, I decided that I wanted to go on an adventure during my last vacation before real life began. In short I made what has become a standard right of passage for Jewish young adults: I went on Birthright. Without much foresight into my multitude of options for said trip I signed up for the first one that caught my eye. Little did I know that seemingly innocent enough decision would irrevocably alter my life. What I didn't realize at the time was my trip was run by Mayanot, a Chabbad run organization. This was in short a religious trip, and I was in short a secular, liberal, and very ignorant Jew. I met Natalie right form the beginning and the two of us plus another life long friend David bonded instantly. The two of them were very religious in my eyes, they believed in god! I didn't think sensible people believed in god. My secular rationalism wouldn't accept being religious as a rational decision. On Birthright I was exposed to ideas that were very foreign to me, teffilin, shabbat, god, just to name a few. I'll admit my curiosity was aroused by many long, late night conversations with Rabbi Rappaport a man scarcely older then myself he exuded a quality that I couldn't pinpoint but that deep down I wanted badly. That was how it all began for me, when I left that trip I had received no great revelation, just a new curiosity, and an exposure to a ancient culture that I believed had nothing to offer me. But that was enough I was now no longer so ignorant of my own ignorance, I now knew I didn't know anything about Judaism and I decided I should for my own sake learn more. That was it, I thought I'd learn a bit fill in some gaps of my education and move on. Now over two years later I'm sitting in a Yeshiva in Israel I've been here almost nine months and my current plan is to go home and keep learning. And last night I found myself sitting down with a dear friend talking about god, life, love, etc. She gave me a mirror an in that mirror I saw myself more clearly then I have in a long time. She was there for the beginning, she's seen my evolution. We all fall victim to short sightedness it hard for us to see ourselves clearly when so much is going on around us. Luckily for me I've been incredibly blessed throughout my life to have people who grant me clarity and give me a sounding board and love me no matter what comes bouncing back. So thank you to Natalie and the many, many others who have seen and helped me evolve. I can't say that I've seen any of this coming but I am in my moments of clarity so happy I've had the opportunity and the courage to pursue it to my own logical conclusions. Shalom Alechem from Eretz Israel.

The Darkness

Right at this moment I'm staring at an e-ticket it has a date on it September 25, 2008 that is when according to the ticket that I'm going back to America. I've been pondering that date now for almost eight months. So strange, so very strange, after consulting with many people Rabbis, family members, etc I've decided that I need to come home earlier like at the end of August and you know what? Thats only a month an a half away. It feels as though I only got to this country yesterday, time seems like its been standing still. I was thinking about my first few days here, I was completely confused, I had just finish work, finished packing up an apartment and a life. I felt like I had made a huge mistake. Then I settled in go used to the flow and the rhythm of life here and before I knew it my parents and sister and brother in law were visiting. The day my parents left was the day I changed my ticket, it had me leaving on January 25th, nine months I pushed it back. I seemed like an eternity and now again I find myself sitting down and trying to set a date. And you know what? I'm scared. When it really comes down to it most of the things on life that we fear, we don't really fear as Dumbledore tells Harry "There is nothing to be feared from a dead body, any more then there is anything to be feared from the darkness. Lord Voldemort, who of course secretly fears both disagrees. But once again he reveals his own lack of wisdom. It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more." As so I find my self staring into a void. When I left so many months ago I didn't know what to expect, and now and I'm beginning to see the shimmer of light in the darkness, again I am afraid of what lies on the other side. And yet I digress, because I'm also excited to go home, to see my family, to share with them the experiences that I have had here. I'm excited to have a new adventure and to find my way again. But really I'm just excited that I managed to squeeze a Harry Potter reference into a post :) Shalom from Eretz Israel, I'll see you in the diaspora soon.

*

Life is really funny, I just had to say it. Every step that I take on this journey amazes me, the way one little unexpected thing leads to another. It just amazes me simply, amazes me. Am I getting my point across. Today I was a little late for a class, I end up running into an old friend from New York and hooking up with some people he's traveling with, have a conversation, gain some insight and a fresh perspective on my activities. As of late I've decided to be a bit of a bum, I've found a class rhythm that works for me but otherwise decided to be as irresponsible as I can manage without totally losing my mind and its been great! I'm trying not to over think my expanding religiousness to much or my issues with what I'm doing and you know why? Because life has a funny way of taking care of itself if only we're patient enough to allow things to develop. As my mom always tells me, stop thinking so much and just get out there and do something. I've learned that when I'm busy and I have goals and tasks to do, I'm a much better person all around. And what a wonderful place to be in. I'm just trying to soak up as much of the Holy Land as possible before I go home, internalize as much Torah, and then I'm getting out there and shaking, rattling and rolling. Where am I going? I'm not sure and you know what thats okay and you know what? Being okay is feeling pretty good right now.

The Land of Lost Children

Israel is the land of lost children; I think that’s what I’ve realized since I’ve gotten here. People come from all over the world in search of something. What exactly is that something? Well it’s different for all of us, some come seeking adventure and a chance to settle a new land, for a chance to lay down their stake in a country that is scarcely more then sixty years old. Others come to lay claim to a spiritual destiny that they see as being timeless and beyond our control. They come to fulfill the ancient prophecy of the ingathering of the exiles, and to rebuild Jerusalem. Others come because it s halfway point somewhere in between Europe and Asia, a tiny piece of land that human beings have lived on since the beginnings of modern man. Israel is so many things to so many different people, and all of them every single one becomes part of a beautiful and tragic mosaic. The Holy Land is after all build upon the tears of the Matriarchs. I often think about what brought me to this mysterious land, I think about my first experience of flying all night and getting off the plane, the sun was rising, the morning dew and fog slowly being burned off as the suns heat hit it. I remember dragging my bag to the bus, then stopping for a moment taking the scene in. Taking a deep breath of the soft morning air and looking over my shoulder feeling inexplicably as though someone or something was there with me. I have over the course of the at times grueling months here thought of that singular moment. The time where I understood Israel without understanding a thing, I remember the naivety, the innocence. I miss those moments, I don’t know if I’ll ever get them back, I suspect not. After all moments of innocence rely on that one thing you can’t get unless you have it: experience. We all come into this world, to this land innocent, curious, then experience gets in the way. We learn Torah, or find a job, or become settlers in the West Bank or whatever it is we do. And then we make decisions, we stay or we go, making terrible decisions to leave our families or to leave or true home. It’s beautiful and tragic, funny how those words seem inexplicably linked. And we all become lost children.

A Beautiful Sadness

Shabbat is coming in just a few short hours Jerusalem will be all a bustle with most of the city hurrying to finish its pre-sabbath activities. And I can't figure out why I should care, some days are just like this, some days I'd like to just forget. And even now as I write this I don't even want to read it. I mean really? Am I really going to write another post about how I just don't care about any of this. Isn't the fact that I have so much angst about this enough proof that I do care about it? The answer is of course yes. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that I met a religious girl recently that for reasons I can;t always explain that I like. And I don't know if anything will happen between us I highly doubt it. Since it's obvious to me that I'm in no way clear about my religious direction and she is. But I think its really forced to me to consider living like this. Its made me consider it as a constant way of living. Because honestly as much time as I do think about it. I think theres always a part of me that knows that as long as I'm not married, not raising a family. I'm just a single guy on an adventure I could turn around at any minute and decide to just be a 'spiritual' person to live a half life, somewhere suspended between two realities that I feel truthful have a lot to offer. And here I met people on both extremes who could never imagine life anyway but with either zero religion who think the fact that everyday I pray and make blessings and everything else that I do as old fashioned and antiquated. Of course I also meet people on the other extreme who could never imagine going back to life filled with physicality and no ultimate meaning who think secular people are insane. Who can't imagine a life filled with subjective reality and no ultimate purpose. And I find that in my moments of true clarity I'm still suspended in the middle and I can't decide which way to go, and I'm just not sure why. I love being in Israel, I love the rhythm of life here, love that just by default its a Jewish one. Love that this is the only place in the world that simply breathes Jewishness, its beautiful. Did mention that how incredibly beautiful this country is, that I'm coming home with thousands of pictures, that I'm going to cover my house with pictures of it. That I know no matter what I'll still dream of Israel that I'll always feel like I've compromised. So funny isn't it? Its a beautiful and tragic life, and all the more so because who would have thought that so much pain and angst could make me so happy? Good Sabbath and Shalom Alechem.

Suspending Reality

It seems that losing your faith and losing your lack of faith have much in common. At some point your suspended between two competing, self-consistent realities, knowing you have to go backwards or forwards, with no one to help you and no net. And once your out there, you realized that skeptic and believer are mirror images, reflecting a vision of logic in the universe. - Ellen Willis, Next Year in Jerusalem

This quote is from an article I've quoted many times and I've always meant to post it, if I already haven't it just speaks to me. Throughout my quest for truth, spirituality, etc this quote is seemingly always on the tip of my tongue. And I know anyone who has experienced a swing in realities as I have over the last two and a half years should identify with it. At some point your faced with a decision do I go backwards or forwards because I can't stay here. My first truly powerful religious experience was wrapping teffilin at the Kotel on my birthright trip. After the experience on the last night of the trip the Rabbi who I was traveling with asked me what I thought after my experiences. And I told me that I still didn't believe in god but I was willing to consider the possibility I was wrong and I didn't expect to get any farther with the answer. And he cautioned me about the view point. He told me that for the present moment it was fine, that for where I was and where I was coming from that it was a perfectly acceptable answer to have, but that eventually I'd have to make a decision one way or the other. That eventually I'd have to really decide. And I didn't believe him, I thought he was just playing with my mind trying to add some doubt or indecision to get me to come around to his viewpoint. And quite possibly he was, if he did it certainly worked. But the more likely answer is, he was right you can't have it both ways when it comes to such a big question your mind just won't let it rest until it gets a little clarity. Otherwise you'll spend all your time suspended between two universes and that can be a lonely place to be.

Lose your mind, Find yourself

I wrote that down during my weekend in Tsfat, more perhaps then any other single phrase I've written in the last few months that one describes what its been like in Israel. Really what else is there to say about yeshiva life. Now that I have a (somewhat) firm date for coming home its my hot topic, I keep asking myself, will everyone still recognize me when I get home? More to the point do I even recognize myself? I've gone back recently and read some of my first entries to the blog and I love them. They are so naive? I'm not sure thats the right word, hopeful? That might be closer. Either way from then until now I've seen and experienced a lot that alone without anything else was bound to change me. In fact I knew that right from the very start I knew that even a short trip would challenge me and the very point of the trip itself was growth. I find that now more then ever how I feel about yeshiva life and Israel has become increasingly unstable a large part of me just wants to go home, I've been away for over eight months, its been over six months since I've seen my family and I'm tired, its the sort of weariness that a few good nights sleep just won't take away. Or maybe, just maybe its to early in the morning, maybe just maybe a few more hours will do the trick. What did I say before? I'm losing my mind and finding myself...