The Festival of Light

I love Hanukah, the festival of lights every year its something new, every year has a different set of challenges. This year for me centered around the idea of exile because I’ve been living in the exile. It also was made hectic because x-mas was right in the middle of the whole thing, not a problem for most Jews but for me it meant running around for two days in the middle of Chanukah and lighting the candles at weird times. But it was wonderful getting to spend time with my family, convincing my mom and sister to say the prayers before lighting the candles.

The lights of the menorah are supposed to remind us of the candles in the temple, which in turn remind us of the light of the creation. They are a reflection of the reflection of the light of creation. Our tradition tells us that this light shone for twelve hours on Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, when they sinned the light was extinguished but not immediately instead god kept the light alive for another 24 hours in honor of the Shabbat. So that makes 36 hours, how many lights do we light for Chanukah? Thirty six, funny how it works out that way a friend told me that last night just as I was watching the lights I had lit slowly extinguish themselves.

I’ve always felt there was a certain power in the festival of lights, there is something hypnotic about staring into the flames. Now some of that may be a simple matter of evolution. Human beings relied of fire for survival it was what raised us above the other animals and kept us safe in a world filled with beasts that we infinitely stronger then us. We prevailed because they were afraid of the light; it gave us dominion over them. I don’t know what it is but like most of the very best parts of life words fail to explain in properly it just is. The specialness doesn’t need to be qualified its there. I was talking about this with a good friend who I hadn’t spoken with in something like six months last night. He actually told me the story in the story in the paragraph above. He and I shared an experience in Israel that defied all the normal conceptions about life. I did my best the describe it and reading the stuff I wrote from the time certainly brings me back. But does it really capture the experience? Hell no, nothing will, just like staring into the Chanukah lights. I looking to those eight bright lights last night and saw eternity, I saw the past, present and future together in one beautiful moment. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season. Shalom.

Silence

Usually when I commute into and out of the city during the week I listen to my ipod or read a book, it makes the fours hours a day I spend commuting easier to deal with and I feel like when I read a book that at least I’m doing something during hours that would otherwise feel wasted. Last few days I stopped listening to my ipod and tried to focus on my surrounding more. The slights, the sounds, the smells (yikes!) and it’s been a really nice change of pace. I find to often that people are always distracting themselves from reality. It’s like they just can’t deal with the present unless it is filtered though something. Silence is boring seems to be the implication here, or reality isn’t any good. Always a filter, always a distraction, this is a fatally flawed assumption and its just part of my generations increasing disconnect from reality. Even so this isn’t meant to be a lecture and I certainly like listening to music on my commute, music has the ability to lift me up after a long, hard day. It has the ability to sooth me and rocks me to sleep on the train in the early morning. So please by all means find things that make you happy, that make a sometimes hostile world easier to cope with but also make some time to be present to just enjoy the reality your in without any filters. Silence after all can be a beautiful thing. Shalom Alechem.

Keeping the faith

I’d like to start this post with a statement: I greatly admire baal teshuva’s i.e. people who grow up in the secular world and become orthodox. I am in awe of those people who find truth and decide to break with the traditions that they grew up with. It can be an incredibly hard thing to do. It requires strength and determination; it requires a reprogramming of ones mind and body. It is not an easy thing to do and I respect people who take a hard line, people who see the halakha as the path towards god. They are the keepers of our great tradition and without them Judaism would never have survived and would not be flourishing as it is today. Of course with that said I also have no respect for those in the frum community who see their observance as the only path to god. Who see their particular brand as the only true, only authentic expression of the revelation on Mount Sinai. Because anyone who does any serious scholastic research into the matter knows that it simply isn’t the case.

The Torah both written and Oral is rife with contradiction in my opinion that is its greatest strength within its own sphere its dynamic. For instance lets pose a question is god omniscient i.e. infinite or not? This seems somewhat straight forward god being everything is of course omniscient, encompassing everything that is was and will be. But in the Torah its not so clear and in the later works of the Rabbi’s it becomes increasingly vague. This is a huge concept and I have no desire to debate it now but it is a very real question, and it does not have a clear answer.

Another big question where Judaism is less then crystal clear is the idea of gods’ unity. The Shema, the most straight forward edict we declare gods oneness, gods completeness. I know I saw it everyday and believe it. But then what about the kabbalah (no not Madonna) I mean the real kabbalah. In it there is the concept of the sefirot which are the ten ‘qualities’ of gods being. Through them the creation is formed, they are the way that gods reveals himself in the creation. Doesn’t that split up god? Isn’t that a contradiction to the idea of the unity of the creation? I’m not claiming to have any real answers for these questions; I just want to present the idea that they are legitimate questions that Jewish philosophers have been asking throughout time. I want to impress upon you the idea that these are legitimate questions that all of us who go down this path need to have the courage to explore.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that for me, personally my time at an orthodox yeshiva these idea were never even brought up. I have no problem with people who insist that there is no contradiction between the ideas I brought up and the many other that arise. What I find troubling however is the suppression by some, not all that these are even legitimate questions to be asking. Because they are real and they need to be talked about and explored if not I think to many of us seekers will turn away from this path and not look back. And that would be too bad because Judaism has so many great things to offer. I don’t have the answers believe me I wish I did. All I know is we can not be afraid of ideas, we need to have the courage to face those questions and find our own answers and then have the courage and strength to go the way that our conclusions lead us. May we all merit illumination and the strength to find our way. Amen.

The Kids Table

I wake up everyday, I go to work, and I sit at work all day doing whatever comes across my desk, rinse and repeat. I’m trying to tell myself that I’m acting responsibly at the moment. That saving money and living simply is the prudent thing to do. With so much uncertain playing it safe is the right course of action. I’d rather not be acting like this. I would much rather be looking for an apartment, after all in these times it isn’t so hard anymore. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I just don’t have a clear enough picture of the future yet. I know that we never know what is going to happen in life and ultimately the only certainty that exists is uncertainty but still… Being responsible is not always fun, right now what it means from me is I’m stuck, stuck with four hours of commuting every day, stuck living with my parents in the suburbs, stuck living in a place where I have no friends around and stuck in a life that’s not really my own.

It is not the one I would choose for myself. By the time I get home every night, I’m tried I don’t want to expend any effort to do anything, that’s just the reality and now that its getting colder and colder, and darker and darker that instinct really kicks in. Everyone hibernates during the winter time. As a case study for this I’ll cite my budget from two years ago. When I lived in the city last I kept an excel spreadsheet with all of my income and expenses, it helped me stay on budget, spend less money then I made, and also helped me cut down on unnecessary expenses. During the winter months, even with the inevitable holiday spending required I put away a lot of money every single month. During the summer months I broke even every month, just barely over the three ‘summer vacation’ months, when I was going out constantly with friends. When it’s cold outside people just want to relax and not go places, when it is beautiful and warm everyone wants to go out all the time. So it is not just any one single factor that’s been limiting my activities.

Even if I was on my own I doubt I would be doing anything all that exciting. So I’m acting responsibly and doing what I can to lock down this job, to save money and give myself a bigger cushion. I’m replacing the money I spent in Israel and trying to give myself more leeway for the future. But it’s not always easy, some days saying that to myself doesn’t make me feel any better about my current situation. But I’m getting there, I’m no the right track, I’m acting like an adult not a child. You spend your whole life trying to get to this point, and in one of the great ironies of life you spend your whole life trying to sit at the adults table at parties and when you finally get to the point where your sitting with the adults you look back at the kids table and say wait… its wasn’t so bad there… I don’t want to sit with the grownups, this table is boring the kids table it fun, let me go back there. But it’s too late and there is no point in looking back.

Treasure

Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

I read that line in a book and it has become an instant classic for me. I have since I was around ten years old been collecting quotes. In fact I have a huge word document filled with them. When ever I’m reading a book or hear a particularly good snippet I usually write it down on a piece of scrap paper and it goes into the file. Its interesting reading it now going though the childish quotes, the classics, no ones I’m almost ashamed of now but won’t delete just because, you know they ended up in there somehow so it feels wrong to take them out now. I can track my intellectual progression though that document. One of the funniest trends is the initial slew of quotes about god being dead or whatever to quotes about mystery, aimlessness, agnosticism, etc. To quotes being more centered around dharma, god, Judaism and beyond, its fun to see the elasticity of my thoughts over the years; in my time collecting quotes I’ve added a lot of quotes from famous people but never has there been one from the new testament I always stayed away from it long before I ever started reading the Torah.

So I was a little surprised when I found out that quote is from the new testament it can be found if your curious in Matthew 6:21. I had an internal argument with myself if I should or could even include in my list. Finally I decided this: I don’t care where it comes from, if it’s a good quote if it resonates with me then it must be included. Bound by my own sense of intellectual honesty and freedom I have to be open or whatever comes across my path. I mean it is just a beautiful idea where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. It’s a meditation; it gives a human being something to think about. And I for one can always do with a good meditation. I love concentrating on the words of a phrase or idea, I love giving myself some quiet time in which to think, to really think and be quiet and see where my mind takes me. I find that doing that with a direction can lead me to greater clarity. So I thought I would share something that’s helping me find clarity at the moment. Clarity or death!

Riverside Park

Yesterday I had one of those quintessentially New York experiences. I had a moment that in my experience you just don’t get anywhere except the Big Apple. So I get up to stretch my legs in the mid-afternoon like I do almost everyday I usually wander around Morningside Heights, take a walk through Columbia University, or up to the Jewish Theological Seminary to do some people watching or I stop by the local bookstore which is a fabulous spot to peruse. In short it’s a nice break from the office in the middle of the day. Yesterday I did not feel like dealing with anyone so I wandered over to Riverside park, much like every other little park in the city its tranquil and beautiful, you can look up and see the big building surrounding you while you take in a little bit of nature. So on my walk I saw the most amazing thing, there was a big red tail hawk just chilling in the park. He/she was eyeing the squirrels running around like a, well like a hawk I suppose. So for the next ten minutes I was treated to the sight of this amazing bird trying to catch a meal he/she was completely aware of my presence (I was standing no more then 20 feet away from it) and didn’t seem to mind. I really felt like it was just me and it.

Some moments in life defy explanation. They defy all that we think are real and that for me was just such a moment. I mean I grew up in the country where there are actual woods and forests within reach, for all the wonderfulness of the New York City park system it will never be the same as real wilderness. Even in the middle of Central Park where all the city noise is absent it still smells like the city you can never completely escape that fact. But for those few moments I really forgot where I was I’ve observed birds of prey in the wild before, I spent my entire childhood in the creek by my house but never have I gotten so close to something so wild. Growing up when ever anyone would ask me what kind of animal I would most like to be I would always, always say a hawk(or a tiger) I’ve had a fascination with them ever since I read My Side of the Mountain as a young child. They have always represented pure freedom to me, the ability to get beyond all that restricts us, all that binds us to this earth.

I’d like to say I thought about all these things when I stood there quietly watching that amazing animal. In truth I thought about none of those things. I thought about very little, I just tried to experience without qualifying, without assigning an arbitrary meaning or context to the situation. Because the experience itself was enough, it doesn’t need anything to make it more real to me then it was. Even writing this isn’t necessary except that I wanted to share the experience with others. I know that no one will truly be able to understand that experience and selfishly I’m glad it was just for me and that’s enough.

The Rat Race

In case you were wondering about the title of my last post “the way of walking” that particular title is the best possible definition I found for halacha or the Oral law. It’s a somewhat subtle reference to people finding their own way in this world regardless of where it takes them. It has its on flaws which I accept but is none the less an important idea to me.

Today I want to talk about the rat race its never more apparent then during the commute to work. Let me lay it out for you. Every morning I wake up before the sunrises, I shower, pray, eat and drive to the train station. At the train station I wait it line with all the other people on their way into the city, we all file orderly onto the train and I sit down and promptly fall asleep. Upon arrival into New York everyone files orderly off the train, up the stairs and to the subway. I wait quietly listening to music or reading a book, the train comes and we all pile on. I get off and walk to work. That’s the summary of my commute. It is never more apparent to me then in that time of the ultimate futility of my actions I do feel like a rat running through a maze for a piece of cheese. But you know what? That’s okay, that’s life and we all do what we have to do in order to make it in this world and right now a long and tiring commute is part of the equation.

It can be a weird experience you see many of the same people every single day, those people who are operating on the same schedule as you. For instance I see this one girl almost everyday. I’ve seen her enough times that I could describe her in detail, the black peat coat and the pink scarf she wears everyday, the two bags she is always carrying. I even know that she has a cup of coffee everyday. And yet I’ve never spoken to her, never acknowledged her existence. It’s strange I want to say hello sometimes just because I feel like I should, after all I feel like I know her she is a familiar face in my life and who knows maybe we could be friends.

Not to that I care not that it really affects my daily life but still it’s something I think about all those people we pass everyday. Everyone has a story, and I hardly know any of them I see this girl everyday we’ve stood next to each other on the subway in the morning at least ten or fifteen times in the last month. It just strikes me as strange I know this may sound slightly stalker-ish but this interaction between us got me thinking this morning about all of our own untold stories. Once again be safe, eat some delicious turkey, watch some football, whatever tickles you’re fancy and have a great turkey day.

The way of walking

I’ve officially been home for three months; it’s totally unbelievable that it’s been that long already. So much has happened; so much has changed that I can hardly keep track of it all. I’ve been working for almost a month, I’ve been commuting into the city, I’ve started looking for a new apartment, I’ve been testing boundaries, I’ve been questioning past assumptions. I have in short grown an unbelievable amount. I was thinking about what I’ve done since I graduated college and about what my friends have done and I was thinking about how we’ve all begun to make real decisions about our lives. Some of us have focused on our careers; some have gone back to school choosing to make a large investment into their future careers or looking to open new doorways in a given field. Others like me have taken the first few post college years for personal development; have chosen to focus a little more inwardly. I believe all paths are valid and all have had their own pluses and minuses.

Post College life should after all be for many the first opportunity we’ve had to really blaze our own trail. I mean for me it was the first time when there was no ‘logical’ next step, no simply given next thing to pursue. When you grow up you go to elementary school, then middle, the high school. After that most of us do the college thing, in college most people are just trying to get out, four necessary years of your life to just get over with and move on from there. But after college what now? I mean you’ve just spent the last twenty two or so years of your life trying to grow up. Wanting to be able to make your own decisions to set your own priorities and now that you’ve got that little piece of paper you can at long last! But that excitement quickly wears off as the reality hits you and many are left scared and confused. This is a natural thing, after I graduated I spent that first summer doing odd jobs, making a little money and generally doing my best to avoid making any real decisions. I regret nothing, I needed sometime to sort myself out and after I had it I took off in a direction what direction? I didn’t even matter it was somewhere and for me at the time that was enough. As it turned out I got caught up learning about Judaism and needed some time to explore that and I had and continue to have that opportunity. It was and is important to me to find something that gives my life context. It is an important thing before one starts to live, to live fully and ecstatically and I don’t think one can do that until they find that, maybe I’m wrong I’m willing to consider it. But I don’t think I am, it’s becoming more and more obvious to me now, now that I’m back where I was before.

When I left New York the first time I left not because I was unhappy but because I had an itch to scratch. Because I needed to see what this whole thing meant to me, because I was unsure why I was doing what I was doing and that scared me. I needed clarity and at least on this one point I have definitely got it. I now know why I’m working, why I’m going where I am (even if I’m not entirely sure where that is) and I know I wouldn’t have gotten that if I hadn’t left. Mark Twain said “when I was eighteen I thought my father a fool, after a few years I was surprised to find out how much the man had learned.” Which is just kind of a clever way of says sometimes a little age and experience can go a long way. His father after all had gotten no wiser, he himself had, he had grown up and he could now see the wisdom of his father that he had previously been unable to. I feel that way about my maniac mitzvah.

At the time I was unsure about my chosen path i.e. living in New York, becoming more religious, working, etc. Now that I’m home I feel confident in doing more or less exactly what I was doing before my paranoia about it is much more subdued it hasn’t gone but it tempered by a wisdom I didn’t possess a year ago. I now feel much more confident in my pursuits; much more grounded by them, funny how life can happen like that. Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving Weekend everyone. Shalom Alechem.

The Final Frontier

I’ve been dealing recently with the idea of duality. In other words how to deal with opposing forces / ideas. This is not such a simple thing and it is not the first time I’ve struggled with it. I find that inevitably in my most trying time’s spirituality this is the idea that I come back to. An example I identify myself with my body when I look in the mirror and see my face that’s me, that’s my identity. And that body that I am directs me in certain ways, its greats hungry and I feed it, I lusts and wants and desires and I deal with those feelings, its falls in love with every pretty girl its sees on the subway, etc. On the other hand I live by a set of codes and of ethics. I will do this, I won’t do that. I know that I should be identifying myself by what I know is true, that I should strive to identify myself and my actions with what I know to be reality, what I know to be true. Buts its not always such an easy thing.

Lately I have been having a very hard time with this. My mind and by consequence my body as well are stuck in the lower places. I’m having trouble shaping and channeling my desires. I think that a lot of this has to do with being in what I consider stasis. I’m working, I’m commuting four hours a day, and my day consists of little besides my work routine. So I find that my mind to gets stuck in a cycle. It’s a form of atrophy and its feels like a slow suicide. That’s a huge exaggeration but that’s how its feels and often that’s all that matters. The reality and the perceived reality blend together and become in disguisable; it is that duality thing I have been talking about.

So what’s the solution to all of this? While I am not totally sure I know it could be eased by allowing myself to move on. To find a new space to make a new place for myself is the key. I am a very place oriented person; I crave space of my own. A place where I get to make the rules where I get to define the reality and place that is truly my own. It’s finny that I can be aware of that and yet still get stuck into the traps that living without that create for me. So strange, so very, very strange that it has to be like this…

Born Again

This article about our president elect Barack Obama (am I the only one who finds it amazing that his name is derived from the Hebrew baruch i.e. blessing, just a thought). Was sent to me from my friend Jeremy. I have referenced our conversations numberious times in this blog and can safely say he has had as much of an influence on what I write. More often he has helped me refine and polish my ideas on this blog. He is an avid reader which makes me feel good and a wonderful sounding board. He has caught up on ideas I've written and demanded clarity when I was being vague. Heres the money quote:

FALSANI:So you got yourself born again?

OBAMA:Yeah, although I don't, I retain from my childhood and my experiences growing up a suspicion of dogma. And I'm not somebody who is always comfortable with language that implies I've got a monopoly on the truth, or that my faith is automatically transferable to
others.I'm a big believer in tolerance. I think that religion at it's best comes with a big dose of doubt. I'm suspicious of too much certainty in the pursuit of understanding just because I think people are limited in their understanding. I think that, particularly as somebody who's now in the public realm and is a student of what brings people together and what drives them apart, there's an enormous amount of damage done around the world in the name of religion and certainty.

Inner Worlds

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about Aish and what I consider the Aish mentality and I’ve decided something; Aish is most definitely a cult. This may not surprise some people but the bottom line is it is without exception. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing in fact as far as most cults go Torah Judaism would be one of the better ones to fall into. At its core it preaches ethical living, and tolerance. Unfortunately that is just not what comes out of it in general and that is a very big issue. For better and for worse being absolutely convinced that you have a strangle hold on the truth can be a very dangerous thing. In some ways it’s a very good thing, I find that the people whom I admire are outstanding individuals their lives are tempered by the understanding that they are doing exactly what they were put on this earth to do. They move with a sense of purpose, vision and confidence. I admire that greatly. But I have yet to be convinced.

Look I love Torah its beautiful beyond words, yes it irritates me, yes I struggle with how it fits into my life, yes some days I wish I had never discovered this. But I love it, at some of the worst times in my life, in some of the darkest moments it has been a rock to keep me together. Tethered to it I knew with no doubt that I would make I through okay. I will therefore never discount it. But I will criticize it, I will question it and I will deviate from it when circumstances permit it. Because it is not static it is dynamic and that’s where Aish really gets it wrong. It tries to box Judaism into this little tiny space where there is no room for anything but it. It claims that its brand of Torah is the most authentic, unchanging, and eternal. But it is the Torah itself that is eternal everything else is transient, Torah and Torah alone is the absolute.

This is where in my humble opinion people get really mixed up. It is when people’s minds turn into sponges disgusted as critical thinkers. Because that is exactly what makes Aish and other institutions like it cults, they disguise absorbing knowledge, knowledge where people start with similar assumptions about the world and then build them as critical thinking. But its not that’s assumption building, and when one begins to do that they can lose sight of their abilities to analyze questions critically. They are so caught up with the question or the problem that they never stop to think about the base it is built upon.

The more time I spend away from Aish the more I simultaneously appreciate the way they helped shape my mind and the more I recognize how much they poisoned it by actively discouraging the reading and understanding of philosophical works. Because the Torah is expansive it has spawned many, many great thinkers and not all of they analyzed the Torah itself. Many of them observed life; many of them saw the world in different ways. The Torah by my understanding of Jewish philosophy is life itself the world and everything that is a part of the world is the Torah. If that is the case then I think that we as critical thinkers need to give ourselves the chance to experience the world and find our own Torah within in it.

Hachever sheli Benyamin

Rarely do I sit down to write with a specific topic in mind, this may or may not surprise regular readers. Most of the time I just a get a though in my head, a song lyric, whatever it is and I go from there. Not so today, today I want to write a blurb about a very good friend of mine. This morning we said farewell, for the first time in a long time we will be living on opposite sides of a big ocean. On Sunday he is going back to Israel, back to Jerusalem, back to Aish HaTorah (but not for to long, you promised and I will not let you forget) and I am staying in New York.

Actually I am doing more then staying; I am (trying) to settling down. Putting down roots and establishing myself. I am ready to settle. But my friend Benyamin is not, right now he’s on fire, the Torah is burning inside of him, and in many ways I’m jealous. I in many ways wish I felt the same, but I don’t, I don’t want to spend any more time in yeshiva, the idea of spending all day learning Torah right now doesn’t appeal to me at all. I’m just not in that place, I want to be here, I want to be working; I want to be doing what I’m doing right now. It’s a good feeling knowing that I’m no track. But it also makes me sad, I long to attach myself to the Torah as fiercely as he is doing. I can’t believe that I have that feeling; that alone is proof of the great growth I’ve experienced in the last few years and I’m proud of it. But I don’t want to talk about me I want to talk about me and Ben, Ben and I. When two people engage in discussion, in deep discussion about the nature of things, the Torah says they bring the holy presence into that space and that time. That by coming together and committing to learning and growing they are bringing god directly into the world.

Since that first day at Aish HaTorah; Ben and I have done just that countless times. Most people who we meet, most people that come into our lives are transient, they come and they go, they play their role upon the stage of our lives and they leave just as quickly as they arrived, Shakespeare had it right when had Macbeth say: “Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player / That struts and frets his hour upon the stage / And then is heard no more” but a very, very small handful of people enter our lives and never leave, they inexplicably become tied to us and us to them. We develop bonds, which grow deep and can not be broken. These are the relationships that ultimately matter and they are the most precious thing in the world.

I feel very blessed to have found one of those friendships in my friend Benyamin he is a rare and special friend. And as he prepares to go off once again to that beautiful and mysterious land we call Israel, I want to give him a blessing to go in peace, to find satisfaction in the activities he chooses to engage in and to always remember he has a home where ever I am. Home is where your heart is and my heart goes with you my friend wherever you go. Shalom Alechem and Bizrat Hashem we will see each other again soon.

Avada Kedavra

Becuase you know I love Harry Potter and Torah:

Avada Kedavra (the killing curse), is the only incantation in the Harry Potter series that's based not on Greek or Latin words but on words from Hebrew and Aramaic. In Hebrew avada means "I will destroy," and kedavra means "as I will speak," so the killing curse in Hebrew means "I will destroy as I will speak," a fitting translation.

Check out this blog for more.

A Better Way

Sometimes a song sums up our mood perfectly, sometimes an Artist expresses our own inner feelings better then we could ever hope to. Over the last few days I’ve been listening to every Ben Harper song I have on my ipod on a loop. The collection I have is scattered 42 songs from 5 albums. Its great music just good solid blues/ rock/ soul/ spiritual music, it’s the kind of music that makes me just want to burst out into song on the Subway. As it is I can barely contain myself, in fact if you see a fellow nodding his head, tapping his feet at 8:30am on the 2 train, well you may just be looking right at me. I love his stuff it’s the kind of music that goes straight to your soul. I love even more that he’s a Jew (His mother is Jewish), he much like his music is multi-cultural, he draws from influences all around the world. His stuff makes me feel so good inside sometimes that I can’t even contain myself. And on this beautiful New York City afternoon I just had to share it with the world. After all so frequently we find ourselves disappointed by all of the things going on in our lives that I think it is important to talk about that which surpasses our expectations. Those things which make us glad just to be wherever we are doing whatever we’re doing. Do you have those things in your life? I certainly hope so because it is those things that make life truly worthwhile and when you find them try to appreciate them, because too often we can’t.

I'm a living sunset
Lightning in my bones
Push me to the edge
But my will is stone

Because I believe in a better way…

The Nature of Things

You live you learn, apparently. Although I have to say I see very little learning around here. By here I mean anywhere I go, as far as I can tell no one knows what the hell is going on and all they do is do their best to react to the situations put in front of them. Immanuel Kant said “Everything in this world is predictable, everything is logical, everything makes sense except for human life.” I’m paraphrasing in fact Kant maybe not have even said that, I heard a lecture and the Rabbi giving that lecture said that Kant said those things. So I don’t even know if what I am writing was even said or if I’m just making it up. That getting me thinking about the ‘realness’ of our lives perhaps this is appropriate considering I just quoted one of the great philosophers of the last 500 years. And philosophy is the avenue of mad men and lunatics. But really what is real, our ideas or philosophies, important ideas, ideas that we base our lives off of. Ideas that take us in one direction or the other may not even exist. They may only exist because we exist, because we give them form and substance and content. We interpret them and express them and make them real. I don’t want to get off on a rant about this, men far greater then I have spent far more time thinking about and discussing these ideas then me. But it does stick in my craw just a little bit. It agitates me much the same way that you can not ignore that little piece of food stuck between your teeth. I just can’t let go of this idea, and I don’t know why. Maybe its because I’m transitioning at the moment trying to reestablish myself on a familiar place, with my head filled with new ideas about what life is and could be. I don’t know. I wish I did, I do not think that I am alone on that one. To often I get stuck thinking that I’m the only one who is. It’s a lonely and ridiculous feeling. I spoke with a friend the other day who reminded me of this, I don’t even know if he realizes he did or how much it meant to me to for that hour we spoke feel like I had a kindred spirit in this crazy world. He is not the first nor will he be the last to remind me of this. It feels good for even an hour to know that I’m not alone that god willing I will never be alone. Just know what if / when you ever feel that way you to are not alone.

A New Day

Today is a new day in America and its just starting to hit me. At 10:00pm last night I turned the TV off, once the results for Ohio were in with Florida, Indiana and North Carolina close that was that. McCain had no way to win and we all knew it. I went to bed knowing that America had made its choice and now we have to live with it. It is a weird thing for me personally I’ve matured with W’s presidency, watched a man I didn’t like or agree with about much mess with a country I love. Over those eight years I also became decidedly more conservative, I don’t mean Republican I mean conservative, with a small c.

Winston Churchill said “Any man who is under 30 and not a liberal has no heart, any man who is over 30 and not a conservative has no brains”. And as I have gotten older and moved into my mid-twenties I have become more conservative. I do not agree with Obama about everything. I suspect that over the next four years I will find a lot to disagree with him about. But I do think his election is a great sign that our system still works, that America is not George W Bush and his many failed policies. I’m proud today to be an America as I was yesterday and the day before that.

It really began to hit me today as I was on the train coming into NY, everyone was talking, and everyone had something to say. I now work at a place where the mission is to end poverty and hunger around the world. People are excited, people are energized; people believe that today with Barack Obama in line to take office that they are closer then ever to achieving those goals. People around my office know hope. I am excited to be a part of something like this, I to know hope.

Work

I've had a crazy couple of weeks. Right now I'm sitting at work that’s right I'm working. It had been a little over a year since I last worked and it's taking a bit of getting used to. Sitting at a desk all day, waking up at 5:00am since I have to commute from New Jersey, it all feels very weird. So how did all of this come about? After spending a week with a good friend from Israel, I realized that I had a lot of issues to work out.

It all sort of came to a head with me. The whole being back in America, adjusting to my life here, it all hit a breaking point. I’ve realized that I need more time before I really commit to being a religious Jew. I realized that I can learn and grow and do it at a different place then I was. I realized that I need that time to rebuild my life and if I don’t give it to myself I am liable to loose my mind. I realized all this at the end of an intense week with my friend at his place in CT. After building a Sukkot together, shaking the lulav a bunch of times, celebrating Shabbat, Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah I was done, emotionally drained and we started talking and he said something to me that really hit home. He asked me why I hated being Jewish so much. It wasn’t the first time someone has asked me that but this time it really hit home. I do hate the ceremonial tradition, it hate the rules and the minutia of it, it makes me angry and its just impossible for me to be that kind of a Jew right now.

I know that ultimately its not ‘correct’ that according to the halacha its wrong of me to act that way. But at least for now, I just can’t help it. I want to love what I’m doing. I want to feeling empowered by my spirituality not hindered by it. I have a goal in mind, I have an ideal that’s out there but I’ve realized that I’m just not there yet. I hope and pray that one day I will be strong enough to be but I have to stop pretending that I am.

So did I mention that I’m working right now? Yea at a non-profit dedicated to feeding the world; it’s a very cool place and just what I want to be doing. When I’ve though about what I want to do I’ve realized that it has to be in the non-profit field. That I want to be part of the effort to set the worlds global policies with respect to healing the world, in Judaism it is called Tikkun Olam and it is what I’m doing right now. The funniest part is that it is a Christian organization. So it’s a little weird. Maybe Christianity is idolatry but you know what? A lot of the most important non-profit work in the world is carried out by people of all faiths. Do I fundamentally disagree with theirs? Yes of course I do but that doesn’t mean I can’t work with them to make a better world. Maybe this to is a contradiction of interests. But why should this be any different then the rest of my life? Oh the tangled webs we weave… for now I’m going to enjoy myself in all my confusion. Shalom Alechem (peace be unto you) from beautiful and cold New York City.

Obsession

Obsession: Read this article and then if you want check out the website. The thing that makes this so difficult for me is that I spent so much time at Aish. I feel as though they gave me something valuable and precious. I will never underestimate or try to minimize their impact on my life. But what they have done with this movie is just despicable. They of course take no credit for this movie which is trying to swing a election. They take no credit because Aish supposedly is not a political organization. Which I agree with religion is political enough without the organizations themselves explicitly being political. Which Aish has done here, of course they are allowed to believe and say whatever they want. That's their right, but if your going to realize a video like this at least step up and take responsibility for it. Here's the best quote from the article:

"Aish HaTorah, which is just about the most fundamentalist movement in Judaism today. Its operatives flourish in the radical belt of Jewish settlements just south of Nablus, in the northern West Bank, and their outposts across the world propagandize on behalf of a particularly sterile, sexist and revanchist brand of Judaism. Which is amusing, of course, because "Obsession" is meant to expose a particularly sterile, sexist and racist brand of Islam."

Two Months

October is drawing swiftly to a close and I can hardly believe it. Has it really been two months since I've been home? Last week I spent with a very close friend I met in Israel. It was very weird, since coming home the two of us have gone in different directions, both of us have thought a lot and dealt with a lot and started to make our way though our experiences. And thats a good thing. In many ways I've struggled with things I thought I had moved beyond since I've gotten home. On the other hand it has taken being here to realize just how far I went and that I was not as secure with decisions I made in Israel as I thought I was, and of course theres still that girl I left behind. She lingers in the back of my head even though I try to push her out of it. I guess we're all haunted by past relationships. It's inevitable especially given the fact that, I'm currently looking for a job, living at home and not really able to move on with my life. All of my goals depend on having an income, I can't move out of here until then. I can not live my life my way without a way to feed myself. Its a very basic thing.

As I was saying I spent the better part of a week with a good friend from Israel. It was great to get away from New Jersey, interview for a job in Boston and get a chance to live Jewishly again for a week. We built a sukkah together, shook the four kinds and engaged in many, many, many discussions about life in America and the transition and the inevitable issues that come up along with it. I don't really know what else to say about the experience except it was exactly what I needed at exactly the time I needed it and once again I found myself in awe of the neatly ordered nature of the universe and gods creation. And so once again I am at home, looking for a job in a terrible job market. I can not pretend that I'm finding it an easy experience, I'm not. But after a week like the one I had, I do know that I will survive this experience. That given time and patience I'll be a better person for my time spent in exile.

I dreamed the most vivid dream about Jerusalem the other day. I thought about the way the sun hits the golden stones in the old city the way it seems to shimmer right before sunset. About the crowds of people, who throng in every day to see a piece of their heritage. Because Jerusalem belongs to the world, it is one of those unique places in the world that truly belongs to every single person. I think about it and I miss it. I think about the famous quotation from Psalm 137(I had to look it up) : If I forget you, O Jerusalem, May my right hand forget her skill. I think about what that means. Literally I have to believe it means that should I forget Jerusalem, my right hand will forget how to tie my teffilin. That is a powerful message, if I forget about my people, my land, my heritage my hands will forget how to / to wear my teffilin. For me this was the first mitzvah that I took on. When boys turn 13 and begin to enter the community properly as men it is the first thing they do. This is a serious thing. I don't know its what I think about when I think about this passage and it means a great deal to me. I'll end here for now. Shalom.

Four Kinds

I have a confession to make: I didn't build a sukkah this year. Truth be told I really only thought about it today and now its to late. And I'm a bit upset with myself. Sukkot is about togetherness, its about the interconnectedness of everyone and everything. It reminds us that we as human beings come in an infinite number of shapes and sizes and colors but we're all in this crazy mess together. Its weird I feel bad right now, knowing I didn't made any effort for the holiday this year. It's only now that its right on top of me that I've thought of any of this at all. But thats okay, I'm still so new at all this. I never grew up with any or it and right now I'm in exile. Last year I didn't do anything for it I was to busy getting ready to leave for Israel, the year before that I had a wonderful Shabbat meal in a sukkah in Long Beach, Long Island. It was one of those moments for me. I spent the entire meal talking with the Chabbad Rabbi about the nature of reality and our reality as Jews. It was one of those moments that lead me to where I am today.

But now this year, I've got nothing. I should have planned better, but I didn't. And I'm finding myself both agitated over this and also strangely fine with it. I've been thinking about it and I think it comes down to this. I'm tired of intruding on other peoples holidays. I'm sick of calling people up for Shabbat plans, I'm tired of spending every holiday away from my own space. I'm just sick of intruding on other peoples plans. I want to have my own life, my own community and for right now its just not there. It doesn't exist for me, and that kind of stinks. But its just the reality of the situation. The other reality is also that the last few years while I had a more active / participatory holiday. I didn't understand that what I was doing. Now this year I'm so much more in tune with what it all means and why we do it. Which is amazing. I never could have imagined that I would ever flow with the cycles of the Jewish year.

I want to share a Midrash(commentary) on Sukkot. Besides building a structure and eating in it we are also commanded to shake four materials together during the week, why do we do this? The Midrash says:

The etrog has both a taste and an aroma; so, too, do the people of Israel include individuals who have both Torah learning and good deeds.... The date (the fruit of the lulav) has a taste but does not have an aroma; so, too, do the people of Israel include individuals who have Torah but do not have good deeds.... The hadas has an aroma but not a taste; so, too, do the people of Israel include individuals who have good deeds but do not have Torah.... The aravah has no taste and no aroma; so, too, do the people of Israel include individuals who do not have Torah and do not have good deeds.... Says G-d: "Let them all bond together in one bundle and atone for each other."

The four materials remind us of the interconnectedness of the world and individuals, we all play a role, we are at times all of the materials. And we all matter.

Atonement

Fasting is never an easy experience, and Yom Kippur is the hardest of them all. Judaism has many fast days throughout the year. I fasted on the fast of Ester before Purim, I fasted on Tisha b'Av to mourn the loss of the Temple. I fasted on many days this year but none was harder the Yom Kippur. Maybe it was simply the length of the fast. On Yom Kippur we fast for 26 hours(sun down to sun down) where as on the others we generally only go for 12 hours (thats sun up to sun down) but I don't think thats it. I think what it is, is on this day we're completing a cycle of redemption. On the High Holidays its not just Israel thats being atoned for, its the whole world. Goyim (thats the other nations) are also being redeemed, its so much greater then just ourselves.

Thats a heavy thought, or it was for me this year. And for whatever reason I had such a difficult time with it this year. I don't know what it was but I tossed and turned the whole night. I kept dreaming that the holiday was over and that I was stuffing my face with delicious food. Only to wake up and realize it was 3:30 am. I woke up over and over and over again. I can't remember a time when I slept more fitfully. And I kept dreaming about the one thing that I knew I wasn't getting, when I finally got out of bed at 8:00 am I was already craving food and water. I had been dreaming about it all night. I got over it, I went to shul like a good Yid, I tried to relax and take a nap. I failed. But I tried. At one point as I was getting ready to head back to shul for Ne'ilah I saw a granola bar I had in my backpack, I can't even describe my how my desire peaked at that moment. How strong was desire for it was.

When at long last the sun began to set we davened the Ne'ilah service. This was my first time ever doing it, usually being to drained and grumpy to want any part of it. But this year it felt important and so I did it. It begins with the opening of the Ark where the Torah scrolls are held. It stays open for the whole service which means that one must do everything they can to stay standing through the service. I resolved to do this despite my light headedness. In the end it was a very moving experience for me, at one point I thought I might collapse and came very close to sitting down and stopping my prayers. But I resolved to do so despite the personal cost. And I thought this summed up the day and maybe even the year for me. I despite what everything around me indicated chose to do something difficult, something uncomfortable. I saw it though to the end. I know that it journey I took, wasn't easy and now being home is just as hard. I've been forced to battle against the whole world and myself. Against my better judgment because I felt that there would be a pay off that I just couldn't imagine at that moment. And I was right as the Ark was closed and food and drink were consumed. Life flowed back into my body. My head stopped pounding. It was a good day, it was a good year. I hope that everyone had an easy and productive fast. I hope that on that day some bit of peace was found. And it is my most sincere desire that we use what we found on that day and the ten days before to move ahead with our years. Enough for now. While my feet are in the diaspora my heart is always in Eretz Israel, Shalom Alechem.

Discarding the Void

Words of wisdom from the Rebba:

Life is true, every step of it is G-dly. Only the emptiness is false.

There are paths we wish we never traveled; decisions we wish we never took; actions that we wrestle to tear out of our memory, rip out of our hearts with agony and remorse.

But it is never life that we reject. Life has meaning, life is good -- not a moment of it can exist without a spark of truth throbbing somewhere within. Including that moment you regret. In fact, life’s most precious diamonds are hidden in the shadows -- or even buried deep below the mud.

In the end, we reject an ephemeron, a thing that never was. Not life, but its shadow. Not the jewel, but the mud. An absence: that the light-portals of heaven closed when you did what you did. Wash away that void with tears -- there remains only a precious moment of life rescued from the deep earth.

From the wisdom of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Schneerson, of righteous memory; words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman.

Inconsistentcy

Time makes fools of us all, so they say. Who are they and why do they say are questions for another time. I'm being facetious I don't know why exactly but it sounded like a good place to start. I awoke this morning to frost on my window, winter is fast approaching. And with winter signaling its impending arrival, I couldn't help but this about, what? I don't know I thought something might come to me as I was writing that sentence but alas no. But I will not let a topic or lack thereof deter me from my musing this morning.

Yom Kippur approaches, and I've been thinking about atonement and forgiveness not surprisingly. After spending Rosh Hashannah in Monsey, I've had a lot swirling though my head. Monsey the scene of my brief but tumultuous dance with yeshiva round two. Being back there helped me find clarity. It wasn't an easy holiday for me, I felt the weight of it intensely. And I had to escape it wasn't pretty. But life isn't always pretty we at times have to make hard decisions about what is right verses what is comfortable. And those are often the hardest types of decisions. And I was thinking about my year of yeshiva and about my life now, scarcely a month after I got home and how much life has changed and continues to change. Being back at the scene of the crime so to speak, gave me clarity as to why I left in the first place. It comes down to this yeshiva poisoned my brain. I got stuck into one way of thinking, and that scares me. I needed to break free, I had to be honest it was driving me insane. It wasn't healthy for me it made me feel unbalanced. I'm not trying to be dramatic just honest.

I've been reading a wonderful book Gonzo Judaism, its a fascinating read for anyone on a spiritual journey. And while this isn't meant as a book review it did help me find clarity on the yeshiva mentality that I find toxic to my soul. Its the idea of counting mitzvahs as if this one or that one is somehow more important then the other. Its the idea of a one way religion. Whereby one abandons critical analysis and becomes a sponge. It's not a simple idea either. It's nuanced and subtle. But over time as one becomes so immersed in Torah one believes oneself to be doing critical analysis when really all your doing is turning your mind into a sponge. I can do this and I can't to that. Why? Because this commentator brings down this point from this source which agrees with what this other Rabbi brought down from that source and so on. It's deceptive it disguises itself as being critical when all its really doing it working with information that works off of the same set of rules. And so it becomes circular, which is not to say well reasoned. It obviously works within its limited guidelines and rules. But it is none the less limited. And it's not a space I'm comfortable in. It makes sense to me but not for me and thats why I needed to get out, its why I did get out and its why I eventually need to get back in on my own terms. No one else's.

And so now I've been living in exile outside of a community that for better and for worse I am now a part of. I can't and don't want to ever go back to those beautiful but ultimately worthless and inconsistent philosophies of existentialism, secularism, etc. The more time I spend away from a Torah community the more I feel connected to it, the more time I have to see again for the first time what I saw in it. It's contradictory and inconsistent. But maybe thats just it, nothing is ever as consistent as we would like it to be. It is only our decisions that can be consistent. We have the ability to always be consistent with ourselves and thats what matters. All this other stuff. The things that come at us those are the inconsistencies they test our conviction with our own idea of truth. They can set us against ourselves. And they will until we start getting honest with ourselves and then we can't be touched. That's what I'm trying to work on right now, everything else is nonsense.

Guilt

Jewish guilt, that idea has been floating through my head a lot in the last couple of days. I think its only natural given that we are now in the days of awe. Doing an accounting of our souls, asking forgiveness seems like an appropriate time to examine the idea. I mean how much does guilt play into our lives and our actions. I had a tough Rosh Hashanah I'm not even going to try to hide it, it was amazing really but also very hard to deal with. My soul felt torn it was incredible and natural that this would be the time to lose it. I felt like for a time over the holiday that I was being cast down into the depths and I also felt for a time like I was sitting on the floor next to the throne of heaven. It's what we're supposed to do every time we pray. Imagine ourselves standing directly in front of god talking to him like a friend. I'm not trying to be overly dramatic, thats how it felt to me at that moment as it was happening. And then it was over lost and shattered and gone. And when it was gone I felt utterly alone and empty and broken. And so I fled, its the only thing I knew how to do to just get up and leave and be away. I got on a train while all my friends were sitting down in shul preparing to do it all over again. I walked through New York, I committed sin after sin after sin.

And that got me thinking about the idea of guilt and just how much it drives our actions and how much it defines our lives. I thought about the beginnings of my practice, about the innocence involved about doing things just out of a desire to understand, to connect, to feel something, anything I didn’t even know what. I thought about those days and the lack of guilt about just acting because it felt like the right thing to do, not because I wanted or expected anything. I suppose it’s inevitable to we all look back on our childhood the days before ourselves got in the way of us doing what we just wanted to do. And I think in many ways that’s how a feel now the desire to get back to the days before my action or lack there of inspired anything in me. I feel like Aish in many ways killed the part of me that just loved to worship because it felt right. I just know I want it back and I know I can have it back. It won’t be exactly the same, it never is. Nor would I expect it to be. I thought about how out of place I felt. I didn't feel bad, or guilty really. I just felt out of place. And so I thought a lot about why we act or don't act.

Jewish practice after all is so many, I can do this' and I can't do that's so much is predicated on what I can and can not do. Jews actually brought the idea of moral responsibility into the world. They changed the idea of actions being based less on what my resources and strengths/ weakness all my to do. To the idea that every person has a responsibility beyond themselves to act in a just manner. Now it seems childish but not so in the time of its creation. Jews unsurprisingly brought the idea of guilt into the world. And so it goes. I realized that the interplay between our inner selves between right and wrong are our own because we allow them to define us. And so I made it home no worse for the wear. With a little clarity that came though a lot of guilt. Maybe thats the whole point of our guilt, thought it we relentlessly examine ourselves looking of understanding on our own very often unconscious actions. Our guilt forces us to see within ourselves what is to often hidden, and maybe thats not such a bad thing. Maybe its just what we need. Here is to our days of reflection. May god give us all a little bit of understanding and wisdom in these days of atonement. May we all find a place of peace for the demons that haunt us all. And free ourselves as we prepare to be forgiven.

Day's of Awe

"The search for god, is the search for oneself."

One month, I've been home one month and what have I done? I've settled in, gotten used to being outside of Eretz Israel. I've gone to yeshiva for two days and then fled like my life was in danger with promises to return that I knew wouldn't be met. I've had some great Shabbat's with good friends both new and old. I caught a Met's game with a good friend. And I've thought a lot about everything that happened to me over the last year. It's hard to believe at this time last year I was in the beginning stages of planning that Maniac Mitzvah I've been on ever since. And I suppose this is an appropriate time for an accounting. It is after all just a few short days away from Rosh Hashanah and the days of Awe. In the last two weeks I've really tried to get a job search going. When I got to yeshiva two weeks ago, I had a moment of clarity. It happened while sitting in an amazing class. We were learning Strive for Truth by Rabbi E.E. Dessler, and I was into it. I was putting ten months of yeshiva learning to the test. In a new environment with no expectations of my ability I found to my great surprise that I had learning a ton. And it felt great, but then after the class I realized something, I didn't want to be there, I just didn't and despite my desire to be in a Torah community and to keep growing that simply wasn't the environment that felt right to me and so I packed up my stuff and got out. I fled for the safety of my parents house and I've been here ever since. Not really ever since but this has been my base of operations since then and it just makes sense to me. Clarity or death! Isn't that what its all about? And I feel blessed to be finding that. I've realized I'm religious but not that religious of course by whose standards do I judge myself? Mine thats whose and I'm okay with that, I'm okay with believing in god and Torah, I'm okay with being skeptical of the Rabbi's. I've realized that I can't expect myself to think and judge them any differently then I do other people. Which goes something like this: How can I expect myself to fully trust people who lived in a different time and a different world then me, to make binding decisions for me about every aspect of my existence? Especially given that my general observations of people are, that people by in large are self centered and protectionistic of their own values and ideas. And are by enlarge self centered and motivated by preserving their own ideas. So thats my scale, what does it mean practically? It means that I'll always struggle with the practicalities of the halacha, the laws governing a Jew's every day existence. It means I'll wear my kippa with pride and not give a f*** what anyone thinks about me for it. It means I'll observe kashrut and Shabbat laws but not freak out about it. It means in short I'll be a Jew the only way that makes sense to me. It means I'll have a relationship with god on our terms and no one else's. And it means that for right now I'm focused on finding a job and a life in a place that makes sense to me. I know what this means and I don't care. I know it means I'll live a life of conflict and turmoil about the decisions I'm making and the uncertainly of those outcomes. And it means I'll deal, I'll just deal with it. And I won't despair about it. Quite the contrary I'll celebrate every last little contradiction of it, I'll love every minute of it, even when I can't take it. Because it hard being home, remaking a life I left behind forever but will never really leave. But it's also rewarding in all its challenges. We are approaching the days of Awe, we're all getting ready to do an accounting of our souls. It's hard but its worth it. So lets all revel in it because what else do we have but to enjoy it while it lasts.

I work my whole life - I don't apologize - to take care of my family, and I refused to be a fool, dancing on the string held by all those bigshots. I don't apologize - that's my life.

A little understanding

Two pre-shabbat quotes that stuck me this week, they are both from books near and dear to my heart. I've read both multiple times and every time I learn new things from them as my understanding of life and the world evolves and changes.

"The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing and therefore must be treated with great caution." -

"I don't know a soul who doesn't maintain two separate lists of doctrines - the one's they believe they believe; and the ones they actually try to live by."

Doubt in the face of certainty, certainty in the face of doubt

Its not often I set out with a theme in mind before I start writing but everyone once in a while it just sort of happens. What I've been thinking about a lot lately is this sort of an idea, the feelings of absolute certainty that I feel while simultaneously faced with massive, almost paralyzing doubts about my direction. My year in Israel highlighted this for me, how do I deal with absolute truth in the face of raging doubts? After much contemplation I'm still not sure except to say this, living in Israel particularly Jerusalem means living in a world that doesn't exist anywhere else. And spending so much time there and feeling like you fit in in that place and that you belong really clouds your ability to see past in, despite my feelings at the time that I was in fact above it. How foolish, how naive of me, how arrogant of me to think that I could be in a place like that and not be effected by it. Which is not to say I didn't think that Jerusalem didn't effect me at all, however I so glibly assumed that given my abilities I could in some ways remain above and aloof from it. But you know the reality is that I didn't, no one can. Now faced with America, and New York I'm no longer so naive. I noticed it almost immediately this time. The way that the land and the culture bends and shapes me, and you know what? I'm cool with it, I'm realizing now, more and more that I can't escape from it no one is above it and you know what? That's not such a bad thing, it actually an if not amazing thing then at least a positive one. Because without that 'ability' without that innovation in our beings, we as a species could never exist. We'd be torn apart by our differences and opposed to united by our similarities. The books of the prophets confirm this and now scientific research backs it up. It's our natural tendency to try to 'be like the Joneses' and it can lead to terrible things, it lead to Am Israel's destruction when they starting worshiping the idols of their non-Israelite neighbors. But it's also why I sit comfortably today in a cooperative and generally just society. And so I arrive back at my starting point. Which goes something like this: I exist in two worlds on the one hand I'm an Israelite and I know succumbing to the idols around me is wrong and will ultimately lead to my destruction. One the other hand I'm surrounded by a society that doesn't know and doesn't care. And I like both worlds, I won;t sacrifice either. I refuse to run away from my family and friends and cut my self off from their world. And yet I don't live in their world, and the more I learn and grow the less I identify with it. I'm certain I'm right and I doubt that I'll ever go back, nor do I want to but I still want an anchor a point of commonality. I really don't want to lose my mind. I want to be able to relate to the world I grew up in and still love. And so here I am stuck with doubt in the face of certainty and certainty in the face of doubt.

Identity Crisis

Why is it I write most often when I’m unhappy? I don’t know but it does seem like I’m at my most lyrical when I’m not happy. Its weird being home, getting away from Israel, so much of my Jewish identity is wrapped up in that land and now that I’m home I’m not sure what it all means to me. Which is exciting but also scary, I have an ongoing conversation about this with myself. I in my more honest moments have a lot of trouble with the idea of an absolute unchangeable truth. Maybe that makes me weak, but I think most people still cling to the idea that there is so sort of absolute in this world. We all believe in fundamental unchangeable truths. But what do those moral truths mean? And maybe more importantly how does that impact my life? In Israel and especially Jerusalem you encounter a lot of god fearing people. Our relationship to god most commentators agree is played out as a dichotomy on one hand we have fear and the other love. Those are the two central points by which human being live their lives. They underpin the central point in ones decision making. Why am I going to get a job? Why do I need a job? If I don’t have a job then I won’t have money, if I don’t have money then I won’t be able to do things that I enjoy. This is love I’m making a decision based on some desired effect that will in my estimation make me happy. Because I do this, I can do this and then I’ll be happy. Or if I don’t get a job then I won’t be able to meet my basic needs, I won’t be able to do anything. I’ll end up desolate and alone. I’m afraid that if I don’t do this then I’ll have nothing, I’ll be nothing. Everything else is just a by product of these two motivations. And I think what I’m struggling with right now is this: if my practice isn’t making me happy, then what am I doing it for? Am I just doing it out of some, crazy self conceived fear of a god whose presence is so hidden in this world that, it’s impossible to really see. And so what am I doing this for? I don’t know right now but I know I’m angry at god, I know that I’m not happy where I am. I know that I need time and that I’m still in the beginning period of my reflection and evaluation of what I learned and experienced in Israel. And I know that I need to find a space where I can do that, and I don’t know where that is and that scares me to no end. I’m afraid of going forward, I’m afraid of going backwards and so I’m stuck going nowhere. And I know this to shall pass but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. It’s hard to be where I am now, two plus years out of college, without a job, without a place and without a direction. I was happy before I left on that maniac mitzvah, maybe not all the time but more often then not I was happy with what I was doing. I knew that I needed to learn more in terms of my Judaism, but I thought I was on the right track. And then I just picked up and left and went to Israel for almost a year and now I’m back. And I feel like instead of getting closer to where I want to be that I’m farther away the ever. But maybe that just natural, I don’t know, but its just kind of what I’m thinking about on this rainy morning in New York. I know that in fact I’m much closer to where I’ll end up then I ever have been before but it’s just more difficult to see at the moment. And maybe this to is just what needs to be happening right now, maybe you can’t see clearly until you’ve struggled though the clouds. Maybe, just maybe…

Exile

Being in exile can be very difficult. Its just what popped into my head this afternoon, but its true whenever you get away from one world, from one place and move to another one its not easy. For ten months I was immeresed in a vibrant, colorful, diverse Jewish community. Jerusalem is the epicenter of it all. And I think that discovering one's Jewish identity in Eretz Israel is a different expereience then discovering it outside the land. Because for me so much of what it means to be Jewish is wrapped up in the physical land of Israel. I identify my tradition with the Judean Hills and the west bank of the Jordan river. So being away from that critical part of my identity is quite a culture shock. I know I'll adjust, I know in time I'll find a world here that fits my idea of what being Jewish is about. But right now I'm in an exile and I know I'll endure. Even though I know its a difficult road, I recognize that I'm just starting on down it. And I know as I progress it will become more familiar and as it becomes more familiar my exile will cease. But for now I follow in the great tradtion of my people, an outsider in a land thats not truely my own, finding my way, discovering what works and what makes sense and wahts right. Enough for now, its a beautiful sunny day, football is being played, and if you can't find the beauty and perfection in a play action pass, well then I just pity you. Shalom.

Opening doors

I've been home for a week and already the United States is starting to close me in. I can't help but feel that way about it, everyone here keeps telling me that life there is so hard and that its not a good place and all these other things. And you know what? They don't really know anything, but I think that I don't really know much either. I ultimately just know how the two places make me feel, the US is so comfortable, it’s easier to deal with life here, I know how to look for a job and an apartment and start a life. I've done it before and I can and am beginning to again. While Israel is a wild frontier, it’s a big vast open land that needs filling in. America is dull; no one that I meet here is asking what this is all about. They are so entrenched in living these neat little lives they've created for themselves. A week home and already I'm on the job search, not at yeshiva, not connected to a Jewish community, on the search for a job; which is good it’s important to have a way to make some money so I can quit living off my savings. I'm not trying to discount it. It just feels so meaningless and safe. Israel was dangerous and bursting at the seams. People there from all walks of life walk around with a purpose; they are all part of a place where they feel like they get to create the story, to make a real impression with their lives. I don't know, it’s all like I've said very confusing and I feel obligated to give it a good run here but I know I can't do that at the neglect of my spiritual growth. I know I need to find a community that I like and can be comfortable in. A community where I can make friends that share my passion for yiddishkit and the exploration and expansion of Torah in the world. It’s funny after spending so long in a place where it’s the central aspect of people’s existence and then entering a world where it is (maybe) a blip on their radar screens is quite a shock. Especially given that it’s a world I used to feel like I identified with so strongly and I know if I'm not careful I'll slip back into it. Just because it’s so comfortable, people I talk to don't want me to be in a yeshiva environment again. Some are of the opinion that its become comfortable for me. I worry about the opposite without a strong anchor here in the Diaspora without a community that supports and encourages my pursuit of the truth. I'll end up like so many stuck in some non-committed, uneducated half world, wherever and whatever that is. These are the thoughts swirling though my brain this afternoon, tomorrow I head into the big city to do some interviewing, to shake a few hands and see how that feels and where it might take me. It’s all for the moment about not being afraid to just throw myself out there and see what possibilities open up, then I’m off to Monsey at the beginning to next week, its taking me a little while longer then expected to make it there but I am committed to going and checking it out, just you know to see how it feels, find out what doors it opens up, isn’t that what life is all about anyway…

Kicking Around

What to do, what to do, what to do indeed. Its been a week since I arrived safely in New York, and what a week its been. It took me the better part of the week just to feel like I was actually here. Ten months is a long time, longer then it felt. And I'm at at home just relaxing but also stressing and being bombarded with questions and ideas about what exactly to do next. The pressures come from all over the board but mostly of course from within. I think I'm headed up to New York for the time being, go learn in yeshiva for a while longer although at the moment I really don't know how i feel about that. I think I'm just going to force myself to do it and take it from there. I think the bottom line is right now I just don't want to do anything, the atrophy has already set in. At the same time I was sick and tired of yeshiva when I left, I mean I want to keep learning its a lifetime pursuit but do I want to do it in that environment? I don't know. I think it might just come down to wanting to have my own space. I don't think I'm ready to go back to having to share so much space with other people, I'd really like to make some money and find a space of my own. It would be quite nice, but is that a good enough reason not to continue learning? I'm not sure, but its just whats kicking around in my head this morning.

Feelin' Groovy

So I'm back in America, I've had a few days to decompress , to sort out my thoughts, etc. And to be honest I'm still not sure what to say, its weird being here, I hadn't realized how much I'd come to see my world though the lens of Israeli culture. I feel in many ways that in the last year I shed much of my attachment to America culture and life. At the same time I reamin fundamentally American in mentality I can't escape it. I miss Israel, I miss the rude people and the terrible service. I miss the rolling hills and that sparkle Jerusalem has at night that I've never been able to find anywhere else. I feel isolated in many ways I've spent the last year learning about being and living Jewishly. And without realized it I'd come to expect for everyone around me to feel the same way. Now I'm surrounded my the goyim, the other nations and its strange. Here I'm not surround my people who are searching for something beyond what you can see with your eyes, here I'm in the land on concielment. And I'm scared, its pain and simple. Now I'm in an extreme minority, and I have to justify every little aspect of my daily existance. Questions about my mundane activities are prevelent. Some people here think I've 'drank the kool aid' and frankly maybe I have. I know that I never would have thought I'd end up here three years ago. Never would have been able to accept the idea or god and the Torah being infinate and inchangable. Now its a reality that I've accepted and in many ways exbraced. And that means inevitable conflict I know that I can't stay where I am and so I'm moving on. Heading to a better environment for myself on Sunday, going up to New York, staying at a yeshiva until I can find a job and a place. I know I can't ever live with my parents again. Its hard to think that in many ways I'll never be able to go back, back to the days of innosense when I was just learning, just curious about my heritage. Thats the preblem sometimes after a while you start to see it as a better alternative. I've been asked countless times already 'what do you see in this? Why do you feel the need to do all this?' I wish I had a good answer. I in many ways have no good answer. Except to say that me and my friends spend all of high school and college bitching and complaining and discussing how much mainstream American culture sucked. Spent countless hours and days thinking of ways to distance ourselves from it and how we could best distance ourselves from it while also taking advantage of it. And I did something about all those discussions. I sought something better something more meaningful and less empty. For me Judiasm, was that alternative. In won't be for everyone but it is for me. It's what makes sense for me. I feel that a life filtered though the wisdom and gudiance of Torah can and will lead me to a fulfilling life, for me. I'm not trying to say it will be for anyone else but it is for me. I know thats in many ways selfish. That in my search of meaning and contentment I'm going along a path that few have tread and that few could ever imagine stepping foot on. So be it. I know that my journey down this path isn't going to be easy, if it was easy it wouldn't be worth doing. But I know that for me its correct, I'm not trying to speak for anyone else just for me. And thats where I am right here right now, right at this moment. Like I've said before this maniac mitzvah is far from over, in fact I think its just begun. Shalom in the home from Jersey, Jersey, Jersey.

Back in action

I'm back in the United States, I've been back for 24 hours now and I feel like I'm in the twilight zone, but all is well. I'm just trying to decompress and adjust to the time difference. My flight was uneventful and easy. I already have lots of thoughts but I think that I'll wait for a full on post from the backwaters of New Jersey for at least one more day. Shalom.

Goodbye

This is my last post from Eretz Israel, I can hardly believe it. I spent last week up North Safed was beautiful as always. The klezmer festival was a ton of fun. I had no plans going up there and was going to travel alone. Fortunately I was joined by a motley crew, as always with no real plan I had a great time. I dipped in the Ari’s mikveh, visited Rabbi Shimon bar Yokai’s kever in Meron and danced with thousands and thousands of people late into the night in Safed. I also got a chance to go sailing off the coast with friends. It was amazing we sailed from Akko to Haifa on a thirty foot sailing boat up and down the coast. I got to man the ship doing everything from hoisting the sail to taking the wheel. All in all I’d say it was a successful last week here in the Holy Land. For Shabbos I went to Rabbi H’s any all time classic for me, in the first three months here I went every other Shabbat, I got a little misty between Kiddush and Hamotzi as the reality of leaving hit me for the first time. He is one of the kindness and most gentle souls I have ever known. My father remarked after he met him, he is a man who has found his calling in this world. I also had a wonderful second meal and got to do third meal and havdallah with Rabbi B, one of the most remarkable people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. As I walked though the Old City with him Hassid’s and students alike approached him with questions, well wishes on his daughters’ engagement, etc. As patient as he is wise, he would stop and make time for everyone on the two minute walk though the square that took a half and hour. I have learned an immense amount not just from our talks but also but observing him being quite in his company. I owe a great debt to those two and many, many others. Also to the many amazing friends I’ve made here who have been there with me though the good, bad and ugly. As with most things in life the people really make the experience and my experience in Israel has been filled with seekers, people who are looking to become better more complete people. They’re not always perfect but at least the people I’ve been fortunate enough to meet are trying and that is saying something. I feel like there’s so much more I could say about this experience, certainly looking back at all my posts on this blog I realize I have. But nothing will every truly capture in for what it actually was. Words in the end are dead how to you truly express the feeling you get standing at the Kotel praying, at times pleading to god for mercy for an illumination on your path. How do you describe walking though the hills and valleys of antiquity with people you’ve known for a few months but feel like you’ve know forever? I don’t know but I’ve tried my best to capture my experience in the truest and most honest way I could. I know now that as I leave I try to do justice to this feeling as well, but in the end I’ll fail, hopefully spectacularly but fail I will. So I won’t try to keep doing so. At the end of the day I’ll know that this was real. I’ll hopefully have been able to impact the many people I’ve met here in some way just as they have impacted me so greatly. And I know that I’ll never be the same person I might have been had I never picked up and set off on this crazy journey and I don’t regret a moment, not one solitary single moment. I love this land and these people they are my heritage. Shalom Alechem and until later then from Eretz Israel.

168 hours

At this time next week I’ll be at the airport, the realization of that moment is really starting to hit me. In many ways I’m ready to go home. I never thought when I left I’d be gone for so long. Funny how life works, I can’t help but feel like I’m getting repetitive, I guess I have little more to say about my journey at present, more then anything I suppose its due to the lack of activity here in Israel. There just isn’t that much going on, I feel bad on one respect I’m tired and worn out. I don’t feel as though I’m taking advantage of this bit of time I could be using it to learn, to pray, to do whatever. After all I’m going to be leaving, back to the diaspora and the land of concealment. There won’t be thousands of minyans at my back door, constantly in motion. And yet I’m just a little bit tired, my inspiration has been waning. But once again I suppose that’s natural, without many people around, with most of my friends gone its all on me and I just need a break. I know I’ll be going to home to many challenges. And I’m not sure that I’m ready. At the same time I know I’m leaving armed with a slue of knowledge and more mature and confident person then when I left. I know there will be struggles; the kippa on top of my head that has become second nature to me to wear might suddenly feel heavy. Already I know making Shabbat plans will me harder, even here it’s not my favorite thing to do. I’m excited about the possibility of getting to do my own and inviting people over. But I know all those things will come in time. I worry about weaknesses I’ve failed to address suddenly hitting me over the head. That’s my nature I worry, especially when I have little else to do like now, one week less then 168 hours until a new leg of this adventure begins. I’m going up to Safed for a few days I don’t know exactly what I’ll be doing but I know that I’m saying goodbye. Goodbye to the birthplaces and kevers (graves) of my ancestors. Goodbye to places that hold an ancient lure and that sprinkling of magic that can be found nowhere else. The land of the matriarchs and patriarchs, the land that has been settled since the birth of modern man, shaped and reshaped in the image of those who believed it belonged to them and them alone. But Israel belongs to no one person; it’s a heritage for the world. The eye of the universe and the center of the world; I’ll be happy to be out of the center of the frying pan, but the outer rim while safer lacks all the action. Enough for now, Shalom Alechem from Eretz Israel.

Only the search matters

August 17, 2008, funny how my posts all seem to be dated now, I guess it’s just my way of counting down. Once again I’m back to my old ways without an internet connection handy all these entries will be thrown up at the same time. It’s a weird way to do things but that’s just where I am. I’m finding now that I’m in the single digits my growing excitement and dread is growing. In fact I can hardly wait to go home, and conversely find myself more in love with Israel then ever. I also find myself more reflective then ever, and in many ways less connected to god. Maybe its just a lack of inspiration, maybe its just me cushioning myself for an inevitable fall but now that I’m getting ready to leave I’m really beginning to think about where I’ve come from and what I want to take away from the whole experience. I think in the end, I’m committed to this path I’ve chosen, when I arrived in Israel it was with no intention of becoming a ‘frum’ Jew. It was never in the cards so I thought. But I realize more and more now that, that is precisely what I am, maybe not on the outside but on the inside its always what’s made the most sense to me. And I don’t expect the transition to be easy. I know inevitably I’ll fall and get back up perhaps hundreds of times. And due to my lack of an extreme nature I can’t see myself making a fuss over to much when I initially get home. But I know it’s there now deep down inside. When I got to Aish HaTorah I came with the naiveties intentions to learn about my people and who we are. I can now walk away ten months later with a rich understanding of our history and legacy to the world. And I can walk away with the beginnings of a foundation I sorely lacked. Were that will take me I don’t know exactly I know I have skills I’d like to build on. My Hebrew for instance is still woefully poor but now finally for the first time I have a foundation to start with and as long as I’m willing to dedicate myself to fifteen minutes to a half hour of practice a day I know that in time I’ll come to read it fluently. I also know I’d like to explore other methods to incorporate into my davening (prayer) through yoga, and other forms and breath and body control. This is in many ways a well beaten path. I also know that al least at present I have no plans to fully bend myself to the Torah. It’s admirable for those who choose it and I may very well do so one day. But for now I’m all about the baby steps. God willing when I get home I’ll be able to situate myself in a religious community, find a few families who I can connect with and learn from. Establish a life that I’m comfortable with but also where I’m growing and I’ll take it from there. Life is after all a pretty simple game. Even if we’re tricked into thinking its not, it is in its essence simple. You live, you die and in between you try to find a little happiness, something to do with your life that gives it a purpose and makes it meaningful. I suppose in the end that’s still a more existential sentiment then a Jewish one. So be it, at least for now that’s just where I am. And that’s what’s important for me, for now. Being honest about my beliefs and living those beliefs in a way that doesn’t compromise myself. I was once told by a wise man that when people come to yeshiva they are exposed to a world for truth and when they leave that truth becomes covered up and concealed. Much in the same way it was for the Jews on Sinai, they we’re given a direct revelation from god, long to be complaining that god must hate them and must be trying to kill them a short while later. And it’s the same for our lives. We’re given little bits a truth in blinding moments of clarity. Only to have those moments concealed by the day in and day out concerns and worries of our lives. But if we’re careful and smart we’ll find a way to hold on to those memories and carry them with us and in moments of darkness and concealment we’ll be able to find our ways. I hope and pray that though difficult I’ll be able to do just that… Is it really eight days until I leave? Yikes!! Shalom from Eretz Israel.

Lets get to the point

Life being what it is one dreams of revenge, I’m not exactly sure what that means but I’ve found that despite my lack of clarity on its meaning I find myself uttering it from time to time and for whatever reason it fits. It’s absurd to think about, but like I said sometimes its just works. I love life, mine in particular but I really wish I could figure it out sometimes. It’s funny because while I’ve accepted Torah as the essential truth in the world, apply it to my life and figuring out its place in my life isn’t always so easy. But one thing at a time, I tend to get caught up in how far I have to go, how much more I have to learn and accomplish that I often forget where I’ve come from, it seems now a lifetime ago that I was arguing with Rabbis about why god couldn’t exist but really it was only a year and a half ago, its funny thinking about conversations I had with my dad about being cynical of religious people and their motives about not giving up anything I liked for the sake of truth. I still cling to that motion very much, but I know its no longer me. I’ve accepted that I can not have faith without acts of devotion. Even if those acts do at times cause me considerable pain. Even if they force me outside my natural instincts, that is I’ve begun to realize the whole point of many mitzvoth, given the incredible range and scope of them. Living a life devoted to god and the mitzvoth forces a person to go outside themselves and in the process perfect themselves. That is the goal, it is often distorted and ugly as well as beautiful. There is as I remind myself and others a difference between being a self actualized person and a religious person. Simply believing in god and following the mitzvoth doesn’t make you a good person. That’s the goal of course that though the Torah and the minutia of detailed practice one will not forget the central tenant of the Torah, namely “Love your neighbor as you love yourself” and will always remember that it is a tree of life for those who grasp it. Remember the Garden of Eden? Two trees the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. What was their central mistake? Eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil first, if they had eaten from the tree of life i.e. studied the Torah and came to know and understand it then they could have experienced the world as it is though the tree of knowledge of good and evil. That’s our purpose, not to run away from life though the study of Torah but to first immerse ourselves in it and then go out into the world armed with the knowledge we’ve acquired. And that’s what I’m preparing to do. My learning is far from complete but I’ve come a long way from where I started and I’m ready for a new challenge even if it’s hard. Especially if it’s hard, because all the best things in life are hard, otherwise what would the point be?